Underpants On The Outside

Last season, I got into 24 quite a bit. Most people I know say it’s the best show on television, and I have to admit, I see their point. I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I’m going to compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.

Jack’s day, 8-9 AM:  Many of us wake up and make a to-do list.  Well, Jack just made his, and the first thing he’s gonna do is find out who killed his friend.  To the scene of the crime!

The scene of the crime: a hotel, swarming with federal agents because Jack’s buddy was an ex-president.  Don’t forget, Jack is the prime suspect.  Whatever!  Jack breaks into high-security areas for breakfast.  (Or at least, instead of breakfast.)

“Let’s get this straight kid.   The only reason you’re conscious is cause I don’t want to carry you.”  Someone’s grumpy without his coffee.

Chloe informs Jack that there are 167 law enforcement agents in the hotel.  Jack responds by knocking one out in the parking lot and takes his clothes.  Make that 166, Chloe.  The disguise gets him into the ex-pres’s suite, where Jack is recognized.  For the first time today, Jack stares down the business end of a pistol.  It’s good that he got that out of the way; the first one is always a little scary.

Uh oh.  The feds know he’s in the building.  Escape!  Jack knocks out one agent near the elevators, and another in a stairwell.  164 to go.  It’s 8:36.

THEY’VE GOT HIM CORNERED IN THE GARAGE!  WHAT’S HE GONNA DO?  What he’s gonna do is drive this van right outta this garage, that’s what!  Oh wait!  It’s Chloe!  He ran the ol’ Red Herring play!  The agents try and secure the perimeter, but Jack is gone, and he still has the kid with him.

Jack drops the kid off with the hussy at Ontario Airport, a veritable hub of Los Angeles commerce.  Jack has found evidence pointing to a baggage handler there.  Jack finds the guy and begins to question him (gun in face, natch), and he’s probably thinking that for once, he can wrap up a conspiracy with enough time to run errands in the afternoon.  But no!  Terrorists have seized the terminal!  (Again, Ontario Airport, and not the Ontario in Canada.  Ontario, California.  I’m willing to suspend my disbelief quite a bit, but there’s no way I can believe that Ontario Airport rates higher than the In-N-Out Burger on Radford in terms of possible terrorist targets.  I don’t even think Southwest flies there.)

*When the terrorists came in shooting, the baggage handler ate a cyanide pill.  I’m not counting this for Jack, even though Jack was probably going to kill him anyway.

Did I mention that the kid is one of the hostages?  And did I mention it’s just now nine AM?

At the end of the hour: