What a difference a day makes: 24 little hours
Published January 24th, 2006 in 24, TelevisionLast season, I got into 24 quite a bit. Most people I know say it’s the best show on television, and I have to admit, I see their point. I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I’m going to compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.
Jack Bauer’s day, 10-11 AM: Ten o’clock was a big hour for Jack. At the top of the hour, he was on his knees, hands tied behind his back, a dozen gun-wielding terrorists in his face. By the end of the hour… not so much.
While he’s tied up, Jack notices one of the terrorists hand something to one of the hostages. Despite the fact that the “hostage” is surrounded by two dozen genuine hostages, Jack is the only one who sees it. The guy is obviously a plant. Luckily he’s wearing a garish yellow tie, so Jack can find him later.
Doors blow up. The good guys are coming in. The scene reminded me of Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six books. In both, the good guys work efficiently. They shoot, they hit, they move on. Boom boom boom, the operation takes about thirty seconds, and they’re going out for beers afterwards.
Same thing here, but Tom Clancy don’t know Jack Bauer. Yeah, Clancy’s got Jack Ryan, but if Jack Ryan ever met Jack Bauer, Jack Bauer would take Jack Ryan’s gun, lunch money, and wife, in that order. Actually, Jack Ryan’s wife would throw herself at Jack Bauer, but he’d turn her down. Just like he did the Brazen Hussy.
Even though the CTU strike force is going to wrap this up in 30 seconds, Jack will NOT be left out of the killing. He kicks out a glass door; cuts the rope binding his hands on the shards; grabs a gun and shoots two minor-league terrorists (once the CTU guys found out Jack was in there, they probably knew to leave a couple for him.) There’s only one terrorist left, and it’s the ringleader. The ringleader knows he has lost. His only option is suicide. EXCEPT JACK BAUER SHOOTS THE GUN RIGHT OUT OF HIS HAND!
Now Jack’s going to interrogate the ringleader and get to the bottom of this whole thi- oh wait, no, the guy blew himself up. Nevermind. We never see the five minutes Jack walks around going “Did anybody see me shoot that dude’s gun out of his hand? You didn’t? Shit! It was the most amazing shot! Are you sure you didn’t see anything?!”
Well, Jack can still interrogate that fake hostage he saw – oh wait, no, Jack never told anybody about him. While Jack was reuniting the kid with the Hussy, (at this point she might as well laminate Jack’s invitation to her vagina) Yellow Tie snuck out the back. My roommates and I spent five minutes trying to figure out why Jack waited so long to look for him, but if he had gone right after the guy, the conspiracy would be over, and then we’d have to rename the show 4. I suppose I should give the guy a break. He still hasn’t had breakfast, and at Ontario Airport he’d be lucky to find so much as a vending machine with Pop-Tarts in it.
In the time it takes me to get my photos developed:
- Kills: 2
- Amazing feats of marksmanship: 1*
- Meals: 0
*No one can confirm this.
My day, 10-11 AM: As I said before, this show aired on MLK day, when I woke up at 11:15. But I was taking a lot of notes, because I knew I’d be making posts on Underpants On The Outside soon enough. From my notes, here’s how my day went after 11:15.
Went to bathroom, walked into the kitchen, inventoried the fridge: leftover chicken, some tangerines, some yogurt, and cereal, no milk. I grabbed a handful of cereal and ate it dry. I climbed back in bed, picked up “System of the World” by Neal Stephenson and started reading. At 12:30 I watched the episode of the Cosby Show where Denise comes back married, (introducing Olivia, or “Rudy 2” to the show). For perhaps the ten-thousandth time in my life, I concluded that Claire Huxtable is the perfect woman.
Me and Jack, we’re not that different.
P.S. I know I said these posts would get shorter. I lied. It doesn’t matter, because no one is reading them anyway.
I have been reading them, and so has mom. So that makes two people in the whole wide world. Definitely are harnessing the power of the internet.
I’ve been reading them, and so closely in fact, that I was going to write you an email that you repeated 1 topic like 3 times… Oooohhhh… there are different hours to this 24 thing…
There’s a reason he’s not called “speedy”.
I know you guys have been reading them. Thanks. According to my stats, I maxed out last week when ten - TEN!!! - unique computers checked out my site. I was responsible for two of them.
I also logged in at least 2 times thinking that this can’t be your site. First off, your name isn’t mentioned once.
Second, pastel blue and green? That has nothing to do with comic books.
You have no idea how much I get blasted for the look of this thing. I used a template! I thought it was easy on the eyes, but no. I’m going to work on it this weekend.
And as for my name, I prefer to remain incognito, except for the fact that I have several things out there with my name on them that point here. Oh well. Zach Zach Zach.
I don’t know if you are aware of this but your blog was featured in the Express the other day. If you don’t know Express if the free communter paper that the Washington Posts prints every Mon-Fri and are made available in every subway station as well as in kiosks on the street in the Metro DC area (Northern Virginia and Maryland). Ever since you were featured I have heard people on the street mentioning your blog and wanting to go check it out when they get home. So don’t worry there are plenty of people in the capitol and the surrounding area that are reading it.
You want to hear something really crazy??? Alfred isn’t lying. On Thursday, 1/19, Underpants was mentioned in their “blog log”. This is RAD. Jack Bauer, eat your heart out.
If there are going to be more visitors, I’m really going to have to work on the universally hated look of this website.
Alfred, you made my day. You are the MVP. If Underpantsontheoutside ever starts selling T-shirts, you got one coming your way, buddy.
And if you find my site funny or in some other way entertaining, tell your friends. You can never have too much publicity.
I read your blog. I think it’s hysterical. I found out about it because you were mentioned in the Washington Post Express. I had to check it out and now I find myself going on it every other day.
You’re funny! Keep it up!
there’s a new episode of 24 out there… you’re falling behind!
Damn Straight, Qwerty. I had to call Zach last night and tell him to stop slack-assing. Then, I had to call our mom and have her put on the pressure as well. I say if he drops behind again we put him down like the dog he is.