Underpants On The Outside

Lost has a habit of setting up dozens of mind-boggling mysteries and solving NONE of them.  My friend Jordan, whose use of imagery is nothing short of genius, describes the experience of watching the show as frustrating as “Dry Humping a Supermodel”.

Okay, so I got a little behind on Lost.  To be fair, the show has been slacking off a bit too, so I don’t feel bad.

(Last Week’s) Mystery: The Others

The Others are the Pedophiliac Uncle of the island: they’re unkempt, they can appear right next to you without making a sound, you can’t get them to leave, and their fascination with children is frightening.

We first heard of the Others from Danielle, who arrived on the island sixteen years ago.  They kidnapped her child, Alex, and then she killed everyone who landed on the island with her.  Her eyes are also a good three inches out of her skull at all times.  So she’s a reputable source.  She hears the Others in the jungle sometimes, whispering.  Why are they whispering?  Slow down with the questions.  We’re just getting started.

The night the tail section of the plane landed, The Others kidnapped all of the children and a few of the adults.  They also inserted a spy among the survivors, “Goodwin”, who Michelle Rodriguez (who I wouldn’t want on the show even if she was topless) killed.  Before he died, Goodwin tells her that the children are fine, and he mentions something about how they only took “good people.”  What does that mean, Goodwin?  Oh right, you’re dead.  Thanks Michelle.  Scuse me, gotta go dry hump a supermodel.

Similarly, in Camp Fuselage, “Ethan” another Other, kidnaps Claire (hot pregnant Aussie) and Charlie (hobbit turned heroin-addicted rock star.)   To be honest, they should have seen this one coming.  Goodwin looked decent, but Ethan was creeeeeepy.  Give him a drugged lollipop and a van, and he looks like every after-school special ever made.  Anyway, Jack, (Dr. Dreamy) goes after Ethan, finds Charlie hung from a tree, saves him, and then gets the bejeezus kicked out of him by Ethan.  By this time it’s clear to everyone that Jack is a lover, not a fighter, yet he’s still jumping into fights instead of Kate’s pants.  I don’t get the world, sometimes.  A few days later, Claire returns, unharmed.  What happened, Claire?  Oh… you don’t remember anything.  Terrific.  I hope the supermodel doesn’t chafe easily.

Recently, Michael and his son, Walt, tried to escape the island on a raft.  They were picked up by a motorboat with some fisherman-looking guys, (waders, long beards, etc.)  Everything seems great, until the leader, a big, southern guy who looks like Uncle Jesse from Hazzard County,  says “we’re gonna have to take the boy.”   And while it sucks that they took Walt, we’ve finally seen a face, so we’re making progress.  The supermodel was thrilled.

But since then, The Others have been quiet.  They occasionally kidnap someone from Camp Tail, but that’s probably just to stay in shape.   Once, we see bare, muddy feet, walking silently through the jungle, and one of them is carrying what looks like a wire coat-hanger wrapped around a teddy bear.  Sure it looked all cool and terrifying…but have we really learned anything? Nope.  Just the writing staff blueballing us.  Poor, poor supermodels.

The Others may be quiet, but Walt can’t shut up.  Or… Walt’s ghost… or something.  He’s showing up all over camp, talking backwards, David-Lynch style, then disappearing, putting everyone on edge.  Why is he talking backwards?  Throw it on the mystery pile, and grab yourself a supermodel.

In last week’s episode:  Walt’s dad goes nuts, takes some guns, (they have guns… it’s a long story) and goes Other huntin’.   No one tell Dr. Dreamy, okay, cause he’s bound to… SHIT!  There he goes, off into the jungle, leading a rescue party.  I got five bucks that says Jack’s coming back with his tail between his legs.

Sure enough, as Jack and his little assault team wander through the jungle, Creepy Uncle Jesse shows up out of nowhere, calling them by name.  When he asks them to build a fire, I think… “Great, we’re finally gonna learn what’s going on!”  He tells them, this isn’t their island.  It’s his island.  Okay, I’m with you so far.  Then Jack mouths off that he thinks Uncle Jesse is bluffing.  I know Uncle Jesse isn’t bluffing.  Everyone with Jack knows Uncle Jesse isn’t bluffing, but no one shuts him up, so… suddenly dozens of torches light up in the jungle.  The Others are EVERYWHERE.  How do they do that?  Good question, but I hope you’re not looking for an answer, ‘cause this ain’t that kind of show.  Go watch CSI.

After that, Uncle Jesse takes their guns from them and sends them off.  They didn’t even rescue Michael.  On the plus side, Jack comes back humiliated, so someone owes me five bucks, but other than that I’ve wasted an hour, and I know absolutely nothing new about the Others.

During the hour, supermodels everywhere were damn near dry humped into extinction.