Underpants On The Outside

Last season, I got into 24 quite a bit. Most people I know say it’s the best show on television, and I have to admit, I see their point. I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I’m going to compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.

Jack Bauer’s day, 11-12 AM: One of my dad’s gripes about the show is that Jack never has to go take a shit.  To him, it is more plausible that a man could save the world in a single day, not just once, but four times, (likely five, at the end of this season) than go one of those days without a couple hours in the john.  If my father had to go a day without taking a shit, the newspaper would go unread, his checkbook unbalanced, and his emails unsent.  (Let’s hear it for wireless networking!!)  Furthermore, his philosophies in life would be far less thought out.  How can Jack possibly do the things he does while he’s Prairie Doggin’??

Well, I’m thinking 11 o’clock is shittin’ time.  When Jack gets back to CTU headquarters, he’s given a “Level 2” security pass, and after that we don’t hear much from Jack for about a half-hour.  (Well, maybe the folks up on Level 2 hear some grunts from the Men’s Room, but I wouldn’t advise them to check it out.  That’s Jack’s “alone time.”)

Meanwhile, the man trying to frame Jack for murder, (the President’s Secretary of State… don’t ask) has a man on the inside of CTU, and arranges for an assassin to be let into the complex.  The poor bastard.  You almost feel bad for the actor.  “What?  I’m gonna be on 24??? That’s great!  Wait… my character’s going to try and kill who?  Jack Bauer!?!  Oh fuck… well, do I even live long enough to be in a second episode? No, no, you’re right.  It was a stupid question.”

The episode mainly concerns various goings-on with the President, but I find them not even worth mentioning.  However, it is worth mentioning that through a pretty contrived set of circumstances, the Brazen Hussy is brought to CTU and interviewed by Audrey. 

Background on Audrey: Last season, Jack was bedding Audrey, whose ex-husband was hanging around and trying to patch things up.  Why a man would risk his life by trying to cuckold Jack is beyond me, especially for Audrey, who strikes me as a Level Four Buzz-kill (and there isn’t a Level Five.)  Sure enough, the ex had to die, and Jack was responsible.  Audrey was pretty upset at the time, which is reasonable, but she screamed at Jack for like five minutes when he had a gun in his hand, which is far less reasonable, and down right dangerous.

Anyway, Audrey and the Hussy are having a stare down. They smell the Bauer musk all over one another.  When Jack wanders by looking five and half pounds lighter, Audrey cuts the interview off to tell him all is forgiven.  Meanwhile, her body language is about as subtle as the Hussy’s.  He killed her husband, yeah, but it’s cool.  I got the feeling he could run over her dog on his way to work, and dinner would be waiting for him when he got home (24 hours later).  Audrey needs her medicine.

A little while later, Jack is told to go to the CTU medical facility to see his recuperating buddy Tony.  On the way, Jack runs into the kid, who like his mom wants nothing else than to be in Jack’s good graces, and apologizes for being such a dick.  Good call, kid.  Jack reassures him that all is forgiven, that he was just protecting his mom, yak yak yak.  Any second Jack’s going to suggest they play catch when this is all over.  Hey Jack, this isn’t Field of Dreams.  Get a move on.

Anyway, it’s 11:45, and I’m getting bored.  Luckily, when Jack gets to Tony, the cameras conspicuously avoid showing the doctor’s face.  Here we go.  Jack bends over to talk to Tony, and in doing so sees a reflection of the “doctor” drawing a gun. You know what happens next.  The assassin is disarmed, there’s some hand-to-hand, and then the bad guy grabs a pair of scissors.  Idiot.   Jack not only turns the scissors on the assassin and stabs him in the neck, he rams the scissors a second time in a particularly brutal fashion.  That’s it for your stint on 24, buddy.  Back to waiting tables.

There’s hardly time to interrogate the “inside man”, so Jack gives him a look that is apparently enough to convey the sensation of testicles in a vice grip, because the dude starts talking.  Jack’s off to see the president.

For the hour:

• Kills: 1
• Sexual advances declined: 1
• Father-Son relationships formed: 1
• Kids dropped off at pool: 1

My day, 11-12 AM:  Like Jack, I also took a shit at work. Both of us know there’s nothing like the moment when you’re sitting there and you think “I’m still on the clock.”  I also made some pie charts in Excel.  But other than that, I mostly just thought about what I wanted for lunch.   (I went with the chicken teriyaki)