Underpants On The Outside

Jack heads out from CTU which is somewhere in the heart of Los Angeles, and in fifteen minutes he’s at the President’s retreat somewhere where there’s no buildings and lots of trees. I’ve been racking my brain trying to figure out where this could possibly be, and all I can come up with is that the President has a compound somewhere in Will Rogers Park, or Jack’s SUV is a flying unicorn in disguise.

While he’s on the way, the Hussy has a one-on-one with Audrey. Normally, I try and focus on Jack’s exploits, but he’s in the (flying?) car, and something particularly ridiculous takes place. The Hussy goes through a concession speech; after all, she knows that Jack loves Audrey, but she tells Audrey that during the six months Jack had lived with her and her kid “They had started to become a family.” Really? Family? Let’s recap. At seven in the morning, Jack wouldn’t have humped her with my dick, her son served Jack a big bowl of passive aggressiveness for breakfast, and speaking of breakfast, it seemed about as comfortable as the 1998 Christmas party after I told my friend’s mom several jokes where anal sex was the punchline. Good times, that. They may have started to become a family, but it was the type of family where both of the parents have retained separate lawyers. Can’t imagine how Jack gave that up.

When we next see Jack, he’s waiting to meet with his connection on the inside of the President’s compound, and Audrey calls him on his cell phone.

“Jack…I…”

“What is it, Audrey”

“I….. when this is over…. Will you be coming back….?”

I don’t have enough periods to illustrate how long this conversation took. If my girlfriend calls me while I’m watching the AFC championship game, I’m not picking up, (Hi, baby!) but Jack’s trying to track down a truck full of nerve gas, and Audrey not only calls him, but picks that moment to get a stutter? Doesn’t she know that, as efficient as Jack is, every minute he’s on the phone is like a half dozen terrorists that go unkilled?

11:30: Audrey’s off the phone, and once again Jack is looking down the barrel of a gun. It’s the Secret Service this time. I can’t figure out who Jack’s going to kill this episode, and I’m starting to get worried.

Eight minutes later, Jack has convinced the head Secret Service agent of the whole conspiracy, and the agent takes him straight to the President. Jack Bauer: he’s a lover and a fighter, and now you can add Jedi to the list.

Five feet from the president, Jack whomps the traitorous advisor. When the advisor, Walt, tries to pretend he doesn’t know anything, Jack draws a knife, puts it right at his eyeball, and says “First I’m going to cut out your right eye, then your left, and then I’m going to keep cutting you…” Sure, he could have used the Jedi mind trick again, but knife-to-eyeball is an oldie-but-goodie.

When Walt spills the beans to Jack, it practically cuts the nuts right off the president, and the Prez knows it. “Jack, he lied to me. You’ve gotta believe me.” If I didn’t know better, I’d guess the Prez wants to start a family with Jack too. Jack doesn’t say anything, but you can tell he’s trying to decide if prison is worth pimp-slapping this guy.

During Lunch Hour:

• Kills: 0 (WHAT???)
• Knockouts: 0 (You gotta be kidding me.)
• Hearts Broken: 2 (I’m counting the kid)
• Women Strung Along: 1
• Arrests (received): 1
• Interrogations (given): 1
• Jedi Mind Tricks: 1
• Unicorns flown: 1

I’d be pissed at Jack’s hour of relative pacifism, but from the previews of next week’s episode, Jack’s gonna get his kills. You better believe Jack’s getting his kills.

My day, 12-1pm: Lunchtime! I tried the salmon teriyaki at this place by my work, but I have to admit it was a bit dry. So I went upstairs, barged into my boss’s office, punched his assistant and told him I’d cut out his eye if he didn’t – wait. No, that was someone else. Oh right; I read ESPN.com.