What a Difference a Day Makes: 24 Little Hours
Published February 7th, 2006 in 24, TelevisionLast season, I got into 24 quite a bit. Most people I know say it’s the best show on television, and I have to admit, I see their point. I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I’m going to compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.
Jack’s day, 1-2 PM: There are terrorists with a truck full of nerve gas driving around Los Angeles. Luckily, our leaders in government plan for situations like this. From the top down, strong decisive action is in the works, right? Yep. Something like that. Except it sounds more like a girl Jack picked up in the bar last night.
The President: “Jack, what do we do now?”
(Jack mumbles something about letting CTU handle it.)
“Why are you leaving?”
“Uh… I got an early meeting, babe… I’m going to go get some smokes… DAMN, MR PRESIDENT, GIVE ME SOME SPACE! I CAN’T BE TIED DOWN!”
The President absolutely shames himself by begging Jack to stay until the crisis is over. Jack hates to make a woman cry, so… alright, he’ll save the day again. (After Jack leaves the First Lady slaps the President so hard he’s going to be at the next Cabinet meeting telling the Secretary of the Interior that he ran into a door or fell down some stairs. Spousal abuse is kind of funny when the guy is getting the beat-down.)
Meanwhile, back at CTU (Counter Terrorist Unit, FYI) they’ve got a lead. The terrorists are in contact with a rich Russian guy, and CTU knows where he is. At 1:22 Jack is en route to the building in a helicopter and Curtis will meet him there. Curtis is Jack’s right hand man. Good with a gun, good with torture. When Jack really does retire, Curtis is going to have his job.
They break into the building, Jack knocks out one security guard, and kills two others. Both he and Curtis were shooting, but I’m giving both to Jack after the way he slacked off last hour. Then Jack shoots the Russian in an amazingly non-lethal fashion considering he had a split-second to aim. There isn’t even any blood. I’m giving Jack another Amazing Feat of Marksmanship for it, even though Curtis won’t even say so much as “Damn. Nice shot.” You know how guys are.
The twist is that there is a fifteen year old girl in the Russian’s bedroom, and she looks like she’s been getting the same treatment as the President. (Remember: not funny to hit a girl.) Oh lord, is Jack pissed, but to the Russian’s credit, he stands up to Jack admirably. When Jack tells the Russian he knows about the nerve gas, he and the Russian have this exchange:
Russian: “I guess you have a problem”
Jack: “Trust me, you don’t want to go down this road with me.”
Russian: “GO. TO. HELL.”
At which point Jack backhands the guy. Apparently, this episode of Sesame Street has been brought to you by the pimp-slap and the number 24. Curtis then steps on the guy’s wound, and Jack tells him “By the time I’m finished with you, you’re going to wish you felt this good again.” The best part of these lines? Now I don’t have to write my wedding vows.
Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Trust me, you don’t want to go down this road with me.
You may now kiss the bride.
By the time I’m finished with you, you’re going to wish you felt this good again.
Even after this badassery, the Russian holds out. He’s got information and he won’t give it up unless he gets immunity, a ride to a foreign country, AND THE GIRL. It’s funny the way he thinks Jack is going to deal. Jack’s laughing too, when he gets a call from headquarters.
Let me backtrack for a second. A new top dog came into CTU recently, played by Sean Astin, who was one of the Hobbits in Lord of the Rings. It’s kinda weird: on both of my favorite shows, Lost and 24, the main character is named Jack and another character is played by a Hobbit. My name is Zach, which rhymes with Jack, and I have the body of a Hobbit. If I think about this for too long it makes me sad.
Anyway, the Hobbit cuts the legs right out from under Jack. He tells Jack to take the deal, including letting the Russian keep the 15 year-old girl he doesn’t play nice with. Not cool, Hobbit. I don’t understand why Jack goes along with this. Less than an hour ago he was eating the President’s lunch, now he’s taking orders from Samwise Gamgee, a guy who had to call his best friend “Mister Frodo.”
Jack breaks the news to the girl, but he promises that he won’t let anything happen to her. All three of my roommates simultaneously mutter something like “kiss of death.” Jack’s good, but not good enough to overcome that kind of jinx, and she knows it, because she PANICS, pulls a gun and kills the Russian. Where the hell did she get a gun? Lucky for her, Jack tames his ninja-like reflexes enough to not instinctively kill her as soon as her gun went off. Now Jack has bigger problems. The terrorists are going to be calling the Russian, who’s not exactly in a condition to answer. What’s Jack going to do? I’m betting on “fake a Russian accent.”
For the hour:
- Kills: 2 (Kills by 15 year old girl: 1. Maybe she should stop the terrorists while Jack stays home and braids his hair.)
- Knockouts: 1
- Amazing Feats of Marksmanship: 1
- Men Emasculated: 2* (one was the President)
My day, 1-2 PM: I ate lunch and responded to a few comments on Underpants.
- Eaten: Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Sandwich (1), Baked Potato (1), Side Salad (1)
- Amazing Feats of Wit: I probably had one or two, if you loosen your definitions of “amazing” and “wit”
Good stuff, my man. I wish I could get married again, just to steal your lines. Maybe they would work for commitment vows.
I don’t know if you ever noticed this but the women in the show have a habit of making Jack’s day even worse. I mean the hussy and Audrey have a little spit about who Jack should go with earlier. Also its a little supicious that women always call Jack to express their feelings right before he goes and kicks some ass. Now apparently his daughter is coming back into the mix. Oh man get ready for emotional drama like you’ve never seen. She always messed stuff up. For those of you that haven’t watched this show since the first season Jack’s daughter Kim manages to extend the plotline for the full 24 hours. I think without the women in the show Jack would have everything solved before he even would get hungry. I’m interested to see how Kim messes things up this time. Also Rudy’s cracked out sister met him to get money and some dude jumped him and beat him up. See women always mess things up in this show.Hmm maybe they’ll go back to the cliffhanger mountain lion storyline from the second season???
Hey Alfred. Welcome, glad to have new readers/commenters. I should warn you, half of my readers are my nitwit friends, none of whom watch 24, so you kinda have to talk to them like children and explain everything. I didn’t watch the first 3 seasons of 24, so I have no idea what is going on with Kim (Jack’s Daughter), and I’ve never heard of a mountain lion plot, but it sounds awesome.
I know everyone who watches the show hates Kim, but I don’t get it. Isn’t she played by Elisha Cuthbert? She’s still superfine, isn’t she? As long as she didn’t have a grossly disfiguring car accident like Mark Hamill, I don’t see a problem.
For all the non-watchers: Rudy, (the hobbit) got jumped in a parking lot by his crackhead sister and her junkie boyfriend. He can counter terrorists, as long as there aren’t two of them. But what was the point? There is no way for the writers to plausibly bring his crackhead sister into the nerve gas terrorist plot in a city as big as Los Angeles, but I don’t think they’re going to let that stop them.
Oh yeah; as for whether women mess everything up? Totally.
So Kim is played by Elisa Cuthbert (spelling??) and in the second season she was running through the woods to get away from some people that were trying to arrest her and she was caught on either a branch or a trap (I can’t remember) and then there was this growl and they cut to a mountain lion and it seemed to be stalking her. Well that’s all they ever showed of the mountain lion and it was never seen again. So all my friends and other people I know who watched that season, were like “What is going on?” Where’d the mountain lion go?? As for Kim screwing up Jack’s life. In season one she was kidnapped when she and her stupid friend went to go meet two guys and hang out in a mattress store or some store with a lot of beds. Come on. Then she was babysitting the daughter of an abusive man who beat his wife and daughter (not cool) and he boyfriend kicked the guys ass then they ran away with the girl. She was then pursued by the cops who were trying to arrest her. Meanwhile Jack told her there is a nuke in LA and she had better run. In season three she worked at CTU and was dating Jack’s partner. So that messed tons of stuff up when Jack found out. Thankfully she wasn’t in the fourth season at all. Oh yeah and as for other women screwing stuff up. Jack’s wife was killed in the first season by another woman named Nina who worked at CTU as well. And it took Jack until the third season to finally kill her. So I guess Kim will be like “Oh I thought both my parents were dead. blah blah Dad how could you not tell me you were alive blah blah useless filler to make the show run the full 24 hours. Hopefully that sums it up.
woops posted twice, btw I don’t proofread before so I apologize for gratuitus spelling errors.
[Editor: I deleted one of the postings, but I’m leaving your misspelling of “gratuitous.” But I’m not making fun of you; I can really relate.]
Many thanks, Alfred. It’s a shame Underpants were being worn on the inside during those seasons; sounds like I could have had some fun with that plot wackiness. I’m still willing to tolerate Kim as filler material, but I’m not going to make any jokes involving Elisha Cuthbert and the word “fill.” Except in my head. Giggle.
Another excellent installment: In our household Lynn “The Hobbit Guy” We Refer to as the guy from “Encino Man”
He became the B-17 belly-gunner after Memphis Belle…
Did anyone else repeat over and over in the LOTR movies “Because it’s their time. Their time! Up there! Down here, it’s our time. It’s our time down here.”? or was that just me?
and let’s not forget Goonies…
or Rudy for that matter
Basically, that guy’s career is an unending string of of roles that should all be one hit wonders.
He could still be getting pussy for Goonies, but he keeps getting these weird big time parts.