Underpants On The Outside

Last season, I got into 24 quite a bit. Most people I know say it’s the best show on television, and I have to admit, I see their point. I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I’m going to compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.

Jack’s Day, 2-3 PM: When we last left him, Jack was in the apartment of a terrorist conspirator.  The nerve-gas wielding terrorists were going to call any minute, and the conspirator had just been murdered.   If the terrorists call and no one picks up, they’re going to know something is wrong. Last week, I guessed Jack’s solution was going to be mimicking the conspirator’s accent, and I was right… sort of.   The conspirator spoke with a highly nuanced Eastern European accent that even had sounds like a southern drawl.  Judging from his performance, Jack researched the accent the way Americans learn how to say Yes, No and Please in Italian, then think they can backpack their way through France.

When the terrorists call, Jack picks up the phone in character… and mumbles “Yo.”  Or Yeah.  Or Yuck.  I couldn’t really tell.  I was expecting the terrorists on the other line to say “Hello?  I think my reception is bad.  Hello?  Fuck!  I hate Cingular!” but somehow the terrorist must have heard “Hi.  I’m all ready to meet with you.  Please give me and a time and location, then I will hang up without replying.”

So Jack’s off (giggle) to meet with the terrorists, posing as the conspirator.  The terrorists need the conspirator to reconfigure the remote detonator for the nerve gas canisters, and Jack is going to place a tracker inside the detonator so they can locate the terrorists.   Good plan; too bad it won’t work.  It’s 2:15 in the afternoon.  I’m guessing nothing is really going to work out for Jack for another 15 hours or so.

It doesn’t happen on camera, but on the way to the meeting Jack seems to have decided that since he’s an actor now, he wants to put his own touches on the “conspirator” character.  When he gets to the meeting, Jack has dumped the accent entirely and he’s playing the conspirator like a stuttering-ass wimp.  This was the guy who told Jack to go to hell after Jack shot him.  It’s like if they had Hugh Grant star in the remake of Dirty Harry.  Did Keifer ask the producers if he could show more of his acting range?

Stuttering Jack puts the tracer in the detonator, but the terrorists want to make sure the detonator works, so they beat him up and throw him in the back of their van.  Play a wimpy character, get beat down like a wimpy character.  That’s called method acting, Jack, or Keifer…whoever you are.  I’m getting dizzy.

See, the terrorists’ plan is to take him to the Sunrise Hills Mall (it’s no Ontario Airport, but in a pinch it’ll do) where they will test the detonator on one of the canisters.  We see that the mall is filled with kids, which I guess is supposed to be tragic, but I don’t feel bad.  It’s two-thirty on a weekday, and they’re at the mall.  Serves ‘em right for ditching school.

Here’s a twist.  Back at CTU headquarters, The Hobbit (or Rudy, whatever you want to call him) says that Jack should let the terrorists kill all the kids to improve their chances of finding the rest of the nerve gas.  I’m with you, Hobbit, even if it is for different reasons.  Rudy even calls the President, who also agrees with the aggressive new Stay in School Initiative.

The president is ordering him to kill a bunch of kids, but as you’ll recall this was the same president who was begging Jack to tell him what to do earlier.  There’s no way in hell Jack’s obeying this order.  Sure, it’s treason, but… y’know…whatever.  Jack could send the President out for coffee, and the President would pay.  Still, Jack thinks about it for a while.  I think he’s still in the wimpy programmer character.

Jack disobeys the direct order and won’t give the terrorists the detonate code, at which point they knock him out and handcuff him to a table.  (Good call on the handcuffs, guys.  Have you seen the show before?)  They know how to release the nerve gas manually. While they’re working on it, Jack wakes up but pretends to be unconscious.  Just before the nerve gas goes off, one of the terrorists tells the other one to kill Jack.  With a gun.  Uh, you guys understand what’s in those canisters, right?

Well, if the guy is going to kill Jack, he’s going to do it right, which means from inexplicably close range.  Jack kicks the terrorist’s legs out from under him and breaks the dude’s neck with a scissor hold.  I thought this was particularly cool because my brother used to get me in this hold all the time and I never realized how close to death I was.  When I saw it on TV I just thought the terrorist was going to get a half-dozen Charlie Horses.  The other terrorist releases the gas, and Jack shoots at him and misses.  (I’ll chalk his miss up to his probable concussion.  After all, he was pistol whipped.)  I still don’t think this terrorist is making it to 3:01 pm.

Jack stops the gas, but a small amount makes it into the vents.  Taking the dead guy’s gas mask and gun, Jack finds a security guard and tells him to evacuate the building.  There’s a terrorist on the run, but he’s going to have to wait, because Jack sees an adorable (school ditching!) eight year old girl who has been gassed.  Jack takes off his mask, puts it on the girl, and carries her out of the mall.  I guess nerve gas can’t hurt you when your nerves are made of steel. Jack shouts for a paramedic to bring him a shot of adrenaline for the girl, but just when I think Jack is truly back, he doesn’t stab the girl in the heart to inject the adrenaline.  He injects it in her leg.  That’s what wimpy programmer would do, Jack.  Not you.

Using the tracer, Jack is able to follow the terrorist who escaped, hopefully to meet up with the main group, but they’ve outsmarted him.  When Jack arrives, all of the other canisters are gone, and the only thing Jack sees is the terrorist he failed to kill, who kills himself.  Told you he wouldn’t make it.  Now it’s 3:00 and Jack’s got nothing.

For the hour:

• Kills: 1
• Knockouts: -1 (Jack got knocked out)
• Charlie Horses: 0
• Acts of Treason: 1
• Nerve Gasses Inhaled: 1
• Girls (under 12) saved: 1
• Nerve Gas Canisters Disarmed and Recovered: 1 (nineteen to go)

My day, 2-3 PM:  I suppose you could say I acted like I was working.  I made some phone calls.  At one point my brother called to talk about going to Burning Man.  I talked on a low voice and scribbled on a note pad so it would look like I was doing something important.