Occasionally I’m a fan of REAL people, too
Published March 6th, 2006 in Miscellaneous, TelevisionThis website is basically a testament to the nerdiness and awkwardness that’s been a part of my life since I was thirteen years old. I’m comfortable with that, but even though I can laugh at myself, in all honesty there are still days when I wish I was cooler. I wish I was more athletic, or taller, or wittier. I wish I looked like a young Paul Newman, or even old Paul Newman. I wish I could remember people’s names as well as I do the script of “The Dark Knight Strikes Again.”
Take a look at the couple below. That’s David and Lori, contestants on this season of The Amazing Race, and two of my most favorite people because they know exactly how nerdy they are and they couldn’t care less. It’s the very foundation of their relationship. You may look at them and think, “Here is a couple that solves their arguments with twenty-sided dice,” but you can’t deny that they look happy.
They even have a handshake, fer cryin’ out loud. I can’t describe it except to say that it involves lots of wiggling fingers, it looks to be at least eight steps long, it probably took them two days to memorize, and they busted it out on national TV. If I tried to do that with my girlfriend, in episode two you’d see her in a bar, slurring to some European guy that she’d have to call him “Z” while he was on the show. And I wouldn’t blame her.
So here’s my toast to David and Lori, the happiest nerds on earth. They wear their social underpants on the outside, and I wish them nothing but good fortune for the rest of their days.
Yeah, I hear you on that one. Erica and I went to bruch yesterday with another couple, Max and Rula. Max and I got into a 20 minute converstation about how fucked up the current tagging tools are in itunes and how difficult it is to deal with MashUps and rap songs where the entire freaking Wu Tang Clan is involved. Fucking Wu Tang Clan, they started it all.
Anywho, both of our wives continued their conversation about the upcoming Oscars as if Max and I weren’t at the table. So I was thinking it would be nice, from time to time, to talk to Erica about things like itunes tagging tolls. But, now that I am actually writing this, fuck David and Lori I don’t want to have a secret handshake with my wife. Better to be the nerdy guy who everbody thinks, shit how did a dork like that get such a hottie wife.
Big Brother out
I have several things to say:
1) Yes, I have begun a numbered list. Rob is a dork.
2) This phenomenon is not always as cool as you think it is. To wit, http://www.robertandchristina.com
3) Everytime my fiancee and I get together with another couple, that same fucking square dance ALWAYS happens. Rob and dorky friend mosey off to one corner and begin braying like donkeys about movies and shit; Vejune and other woman mosey to opposite corner, shake their heads and wonder why they’re with us.
4) I have the system down for dealing with the Wu Tang Clan and mash-ups. Maybe I’ll share it with you sometime…but maybe I won’t and my iPod will always be the coolest iPod ever.
5) Yes, I just said that.
6) “Since I was thirteen years old”?? I’ve known you way before that, dude…
I figured every kid is a little nerdy until they’re thirteen, so it’s not nerdy, it’s normal. What are you, a lawyer? …oh shit.
All of this is irrelevant. Soon I will unveil something so nerdy that the human eye will not be able to look directly at it except through special glasses. Thick, heavy, Coke-bottle glasses. Stay tuned…
None you you can call yourself nerds.
Fucking Itunes… I bet you all still use AOL.
Well maybe Z can be a nerd, he did attempt to build a robot.
But the rest of you, for shame… SHAME!
The questions are best asked directly by a girl in the situation: how did I end up with a nerd, and what does this relationship say about me?
Also, what if the cool girlfriend is guilty of posting sushi-making-with-the-boyfriend pics on the internet, just like those found on http://www.robertandchristina.com ? Could such a move be the result of the adverse long-term nerdiness exposure? What if a couple already solves their arguments with rock/paper/scissors? In light of z’s earlier comment, my prospects ain’t lookin’ good. My days of reading Cosmo are numbered. And I just found out that I need new lenses for my glasses.
Big Brother despite his talk of tagging and such wizardry is not a nerd. He is, in this juror’s opinion, entirely to cool for such a label at least in comparison to his younger and strangely twin-ish little brother.
Wonder Woman: I recently read your exposes on the space time continuum and how it relates to the velocity of Plato’s time dependent perturbed cat with respect to the star-shaped architectural ornaments of the Federalist era tie-rods. I will quote Z in saying, “NNEEEEERRRRRDDDDDD!
Personally I find this trait to be admirable, often times useful and highly entertaining. I will however call your bluff. I firmly believe you read Cosmo merely as a cover-up for your latest subscription to Byte magazine.
Robbb: I’m in awe. Thorough is an understatement. Slightly OCD comes to mind, but these are probably good attributes in an attorney. You are hired.
GQ: Show us what you are made of.
As for myself I am not “with it” enough to weigh-in in this class and category. (A girl can dream! Someday!) I would like to point out though that I am currently typing this in Word and using all of those handy-dandy spelling and grammar checking devices as suggested by the Big Brother, so I’m well on my way!!! Any mistakes found from here on out should be consider “quirky.”
GAIL AND LIZZY:
What are you two talking about?
TOMMY AND SPUD:
Football. What were you talking about?
GAIL and LIZZY:
Shopping
I have so little social sense that I revert to movie quotes to say what I am thinking, and even those are somewhat cryptic.
Poindexter, please.
You want to talk nerd. Well then lets talk.
Because I like Z as much as I do I will open my vault to comics upon comics. Some would even call it a plethora of comics, a plethora.
http://thepiratebay.org/details.php?id=3453294
Take the above link. How about 126 comics packaged nicely into a 1.4 Gig file for your reading pleasure.
Not good enough. Well how about this. Tonight I will be playing the new Black on my Xbox. Total cost 99 cents.
0.99??? How can that be?
http://img508.imageshack.us/img508/2837/x3cpfinal39mt.jpg
For now, my non-nerd friend, thats all you get. I have already said to much, I can feel my nerd senses tingling and that can only mean a shift in the nerd force.
P.S. I really am a wild and crazy guy. Seriously. It’s the truth. I swear.
Whoa… and you use “devourer” as a handle. You win.
(I’m just not confident enough in my nerdiness for an appropriate response)
I declare GQ the winner as well. His links are too scary sounding to click on and fucking Pokey is impressed. Now, let’s get back to 24 (I can’t wait for tonights episode!)
GQ can have the title for now. But just you wait. With any luck, by this time next week I will have put my hand on the chest of nerdiness and pulled out its still-beating heart, using nothing but magic.
All the links should be perfectly safe.
It is only for the safety I feel here at underpants that allows the nerd in me to shine.
That shit was fully from “Temple of Doom,” Silent Bob.