Magic: the (re)Gathering: The world is a strange place
Published March 21st, 2006 in A day in the life, Magic: The GatheringIn the pursuit of nerditude, I recently decided to start playing Magic: The Gathering, after a ten-year hiatus. Let’s see how it’s going so far…
Went down to Neutral Ground yesterday. Or at least I thought it was Neutral Ground, instead it looked like I’d wandered into detention. There wasn’t a single nerd in the place. Instead, the place was packed with kids with shaved heads, doo-rags, and graffiti on their backpacks. The trash talking sounded like a basketball court, and on two occasions I thought there was going to be a fight.
Instinctively I was frightened. Here I am, returning to my childhood, and the kids whose attention I’d sought to avoid all through middle school were there! In the nerdatorium! The foxes were in the henhouse! Then I realized the foxes were laying eggs.
That’s right. The tough kids were playing Yu-Gi-Oh, a similar game to Magic with Anime artwork. It even has a cartoon show based on it. And it wasn’t just younger kids, either; I would say that a majority of the guys were 15-18 years old. They weren’t playing Magic, but who cares… THEY WERE PLAYING! My initial reaction was to wonder how I could reenroll in high school. Clearly the social dynamic had been flipped on its head, and somewhere there was a quarterback praying a janitor would come let him out of the locker the chess club had shoved him in. I’d be PROgraMming KING in no time.
But back to me, your humble narrator. I was there because Monday nights, Neutral Ground hosts a Magic “draft”. Players buy a set number of card packs, open them up, take a card, then pass the rest to the right. The next guy takes one and passes it on, repeating until all of the cards have been distributed. This means that no one is playing with a super-good pre-constructed deck. Then everyone plays, with thirty to fifty bucks going to the winner.
Experienced players participate because there are draft tournaments with prizes upwards of fifty thousand dollars, and this is good practice. Inexperienced players sign up so they can get good cards, and who knows, maybe get lucky and win some cash. I wanted to get some cards and see what type of guys are playing Magic. (More on that in a second.)
But before I could sign up I had to… uh… I had to… geez, this is awkward…deep breath… I had to sign up for a membership to the national organization that runs Magic tournaments. That’s right, I have a nerd card. (pic to come later.) Let’s move on.
Those of us in the draft sat at a table in the middle of furious Yu Gi Oh action, and after one look around, everything was back the way I remembered it: gawky, pimply white kids who can’t maintain eye contact for more than two seconds. There was the Lovable Foreigner, the Dragon Lady (a dude; explanation below), the Sarcastic Know-it-all, the Nice Guy with Bad Complexion, and me, and it’s not like I’m bringing a lot of “cool” to the table. Somehow I’m still playing the nerd game, while a couple of the Yu Gi Oh players were smoking weed. This sucks.
I’ll skip the draft, and move on to the game itself. (Each game, players start with 20 life points, and play to 0. Rounds are best two-out-of-three games.)
I was first paired against Nice Guy with Bad Complexion. He was also relatively new to the game and very tolerant of my constant state of confusion, being confused himself. We were joking around, but he stopped laughing when I beat him 13-0, 10-0. I can’t blame him. It’s like he was losing at poker to the girl who keeps asking, “wait, what is it called when I have three of the king-y guys?”
I on the other hand, was sure that I was going home with the cash, and only had to decide whether to buy Wonder Woman something with my winnings to convince her that this hobby is awesome, or spend it all on myself and gloat until my throat got sore.
Then I got paired up against the Dragon Lady. To use another card analogy, there is a long-held and unfortunately racial stereotype about the Asian Female Blackjack Dealer, otherwise known as the Dragon Lady. Dragon Ladies are the ultimate streak ender, and if you’re dumb enough to play them they will leave you drunk, miserable and broke. Really, it has nothing to do with their ethnicity or sex. Where other dealers will shmooze and joke around with you, Dragon Ladies are joyless, humorless, and ruthlessly efficient. They don’t make as much in tips, but they make money for the casinos, which pay them well. Games go by twice as fast when a Dragon Lady is dealing, and the more you’re playing, the more you’re losing. On top of that, since they don’t talk to you, you have nothing to do but pay attention to the fact that there are less and less chips in front of you, and the ones you do have aren’t the ones with all the pretty colors.
It’s an extended metaphor, but this guy was a dumpy white Dragon Lady. I lost 20-0, 12-0 before the other guys were done with their first games. There was no gloating or any show of emotion on his part, and no matter what I said his only response was a nod. I was no longer in the running for the money, and all I could think about was that I was out fifteen bucks, obligated to tell the story on Underpants on the Outside, and surrounded by kids who looked like they could kick my ass.
It just goes to show: you may never be able to go home again, but the nerdatorium is always just how you left it.
I hear she’s been giving that stuff out to all those graffiti guys.
Yo shut the fuck up, chico man!
It makes me proud to know, that you too, are a member of the Magic Pro Players Club.
I want to get a hold of the Magic Players master list, put on my letterman jacket, and go on Titty Twister World Tour Ought Six. Someday, you’re going to be before a Senate subcommitee hearing being asked “Are you now, or have you ever been, a card carrying member of the Magic Pro Players Association”
Also, what kind of person names their comic/nerd asylum Neutral Ground? If you’re going to go in that direction, you name it The Neutral Zone, then you drag in all Star Trek money too.
WHOAAAA! Now hold on a sec. I didn’t know that buying Wonder Woman something with your winnings was an option. That could DEFINITELY help me appreciate your, uh, new hobby. Awesome.
I have said this before, but I will say it again.
Keeper.
Consider, for a moment: the Occupational Government.
With an intelligence both daunting and diverse, OG can discuss 20th century history, chemistry, biology and high level physics in detail, with enthusiasm, dubious facts, and a whole lot of pointing. At the same time, he has the build and white-boy good looks that have him often confused with jocks and frat boys. A contradiction in terms, it is no wonder OG struggles with his identity. On top of that, he is batshit insane.
So I have no doubt in my mind that the Titty Twister Tour of Ought Six would consist of one poor soul receiving a titty twister, while another poor soul, with a nipple in hand and a tear in his eye, wails, “WHY DO YOU MAKE ME HURT YOU??”
I’d paint 3 of those murals for some of that ass.
I’m taking that as a compliment.
But do you know what I’ve really been thinking about, besides llamas?
That Yu Gi Anime card game you mentioned. I have no idea how it works, but from your brief description, stating that it was similar to Magic, and my knowledge of anime, here is how I think it works:
There are 2 types of cards, teenage girls and monsters. The teenage girls give the monsters power. Like Magic, there are different types of teenage girls (schoolgirls, nurses, and blue haired girls)that give power to different types of monsters. Then, the monsters use the power to kill the opponent’s monsters or rape the opponent’s teenage girls.
+5 tentacle attack
If you have insight into how that game is actually played, I don’t want to hear about it, because, from the anime I watch, my version is 100% accurate.
I’m going to avoid any knowledge of the game at all cost so that your vision will remain pure and true.
I have a friend who speaks Japanese, humps a Japanese guy, and is pretty well-versed in Japanese culture, and she tells me there is an entire genre of porn centered around women and “tentacles”. Did you know that?
That ain’t right.
You can’t argue with those credentials.
Yes, I knew that.
Someone told me about it
Did you really have to ask OG if he knew that? Doesn’t he know something about everything?
Okay, I read the first Magic entry and just got about 1/3 the way through this one when I thought to myself you are forgetting your job title as Coolest Uncle Ever. Let me refresh, you are supposed to will our son your comic books, buy him beer, take him to strip clubs and try to get him laid at a reasonable age (14 up).
THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN IF YOU TAKE HIM TO THE MAGIC OLYMPICS!
Get this magic shit out of your system now, while you and your nephew have the same interests (farting and giggling), because one day he’s going to wake up and need someone to take him to Mustang Ranch and I don’t want to have to say, “Uncle Z can’t right now, he’s in the semi-finals of some Magic tournament”.
Note: the Mustang Ranch closed a couple months after Wil and I…er…drove by. Thunder Lizard, sorry that you had to hear about this, this way.
Is the chicken ranch still open?
Only one way to find out.
You mean Google?
Stupid internet.