Underpants On The Outside

Last season, I got into 24 quite a bit. Most people I know say it’s the best show on television, and I have to admit, I see their point. I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I’m going to compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.

Jack’s day, 10-11 PM:   Whether it’s Shoeless Joe Jackson throwing the World Series or nipples on the Bat-suit, sooner or later our heroes let us down.  For the first time in hours of explosions, gun fights and hanging out with his buzz-kill girlfriend, Jack shows that he too is capable of fear and cruelty.  I already knew he was capable of cruelty, but I thought it was limited to terrorists and Audrey.

10:00 - The gas company just blew up, and no one can find any sign of Jack.  It’s very tense for anyone who has never seen or heard of the show; everyone else knows Jack is going to be fine.  Like clockwork, we see Jack’s silhouette through the smoke; clearly, he understands the importance of a good entrance.  He’s even got the Terrorist slumped over his shoulder.  Jack dumps the guy on the ground and though he’s unconscious, Jack’s yelling in his face and going through his usual pre-torture routine.  How high is his daily torture quota, anyway?   At this point, I suspect Jack gets frequent flier miles for these things. 

Jack, on the phone with his CTU boss: “Bill I’m scared.  I think this is bigger than anything we could have imagined.”  Jack just admitted fear.  I feel like I did the first time I saw my father cry.

Non Jack note:  Back at CTU, Homeland Security agents have taken over the place.  Basically, they’re laying CTU people off immediately after they’ve survived a nerve gas attack.  At first it seems cruel, but I just realized that the gas attack will drive CTU’s insurance premiums through the roof.  Shrewd decision by management.

10:18 - No rest for the weary.  On his way back from being blown up, Jack gets a call from Wayne, the dead president’s brother.  Wayne is with the first lady’s assistant, who has evidence that someone in the President’s office is involved in this conspiracy.  But her daughter has been kidnapped by Robocop, and she won’t give anyone the evidence until she gets her daughter back.  Jack is literally wiping ash off his face as he turns the car around to and go save the girl.  I just thought of one more impossibility of Jack’s 24 hour extravaganzas.  We know he doesn’t eat, drink, or take a dump, but how the hell is he driving an SUV from one corner of Los Angeles to another without ever needing to fill up the tank?? His car must run on fury.

I’ve commented on it before, but it seems like it is a mandated requirement that every female character on the show exhibit some typical characteristics of a “bad girlfriend”.  We’ve seen Desperate, Slutty, Screechy, Bitter, and Over-Reactive, and that’s just off the top of my head.  Yet Evelyn, the first lady’s assistant, has managed to be on several episodes and so far she seems alright.  I don’t want to jinx it though; the episode isn’t even half over.  On the way to rescue her daughter she could insist they stop because there’s a sale at Neiman Marcus.  Of course, as an assistant, she has spoken only when spoken to and followed orders to the letter.  Ah, now I get it: she’s the writing staff’s idea of a “good girlfriend.”  When Jack saves her daughter she’ll probably offer him a grilled cheese sandwich and a blowjob.

10:41 - Wayne and Evelyn wait to meet Jack inside of a barn.  A car pulls up, turns off the headlights, but no one comes in.  Wayne suspects something is wrong, and he and Evelyn hide, but Jack sneaks in the rear of the barn and scares the bejeezus out of them, which seemed uncalled for.  I understand that Jack is frustrated; I know I get grumpy after a full day of running errands, and my errands don’t involve me getting repeatedly stun-gunned.  Still, Evelyn is a distraught mother and Wayne saw his brother get shot in the neck.  I wouldn’t scare them unless I had a really good reason.  Like, if it’d be funny.

(Also, note that Jack’s been in the car for 25-30 minutes.  I’m a little frustrated because it gives me less to work with, but it’s about as realistic is this show is going to get.)

Jack gets the address where Evelyn is supposed to meet Robocop, and gives it to Chloe.  She pulls up an infrared satellite image of the place, and there are about ten guys there.  No problem.  I’m going to take a guess and predict the end of this post: “Kills: 10”. 

Wayne wants to go with Jack, but Jack disagrees, leading to this exchange:

Wayne: “I was a marine.”

Jack: “I know that, Wayne, but you never saw combat.” 

Which makes Wayne cry.  Jack doesn’t even say it quietly.  Just throws it out, right in front of Evelyn.  It’s like he needs to beat somebody and no one’s around.  Finally Wayne pulls the, “These guys killed my brother” card, and Jack, never the one to stand in the way of vengeance, relents. Evelyn doesn’t get off easy either.  “They will not hesitate to kill you and your daughter.”  There has to have been a better way to put that, but Jack’s not leaving this barn until everyone is crying.

Evelyn is supposed to meet Robocop at a coal plant in Los Angeles.  She drops Wayne and Jack off at one end of the plant then heads to the meeting point.  So far we’ve seen more power plants than shopping malls, leading me to the conclusion that the writers have never set foot in LA. 

Jack tells Wayne to draw his weapon.  Hey, Jack, why not tell him which way to point it?  I think that could emasculate him more.

Chloe is downloading infrared satellite images of the factory to Jack’s PDA, which tells him where all the bad guys are.  Here I thought that stuff was only possible in video games.  I really need to get a Blackberry. 

10: 50 - With only ten minutes left in the hour, Jack needs to start the killing, ASAP.  He grabs a guy from behind and shoots him a couple times through the chest.  Wayne looks positively freaked out.  I know he’s never seen combat, but I’d like to think that one element of Marine training involves “not crying in a gunfight.”

10:52 - Jack shoots another sniper from about thirty yards.  I’m not giving this an Amazing Feat of Marksmanship, because Jack had some time to aim, and because he’s been kind of a dick this hour.

10:53 - Jack gives Wayne an assignment.  Basically, “Go over there and kill that guy while I go over here and kill this guy.”  Wayne hesitates, but does the job.  Well done, Wayne, we really thought you were going to blow it.  You’re no Tony, but you’re coming along. 

10:54 - Throat slitting by Jack, and my roommate Mary comes to grips with the fact that I can’t witness a throat slitting without yelling “Whoa!”  They’re just brutal.  When Robocop calls on the victim’s radio, Jack opens up the radio and (according to the official Fox episode guide) “manipulates the mouthpiece” so the resulting static will disguise his voice.  By, “manipulating the mouthpiece”, they must mean the part where Jack whacked it with the back of his knife.  Apparently I open mayo jars through “manipulation.” Jack takes the guy’s sniper rifle. 

Robocop and several bad guys converge on Evelyn.   They hand over her daughter, but before she gives them the evidence, Jack and Wayne open fire.  They each get a kill, but Robocop jumps in Evelyn’s car and escapes, hitting one of his men in the process.  Evelyn also gets shot in the leg.  See what I mean about the female characters?  Back when I was dating this one girl, every time I needed to go somewhere in a hurry, she’d get shot in the leg.  Women are all alike.

Up until the end of the episode, the audience has been led to believe that the Vice-President is behind all of this.  He’s been acting suspicious, but I figured he was the bad guy from the first time I saw him.  See, he was in a movie with Peter Weller, who is the bad guy I call Robocop.  That movie?  Robocop!  I think this is the writing staff’s attempt to foreshadow that Jack Bauer will be a cyborg by the end of the day.  Of course, they’ll have to perform the surgery within an hour.  (See last week’s recap.)

Turns out it’s not the VP behind all of this.  It’s… the President? So the President is behind a terrorist nerve gas plot that his Chief of Staff was also involved in… and neither of them knew about the other one.  Gotcha.  On top of that, we see the President take a call from Robocop on his personal cell phone.  Even guys who are just cheating on their girlfriends know better than that.  I find that as long as I don’t think about any of the previous episodes, my head stops hurting.

But I am excited.  All ridiculous plot twists aside, from the previews it looks like Jack is taking on the army next week.

For the hour:

• Kills: 4
• Interrogations: 0
• Amazing Feats of Marksmanship: 0
• Men Frightened: 1
• Women Frightened: 1
• Children Frightened: 0 – and there was a kid in the episode, so he had an opportunity.
• Bad guys escaped: 1 - Tsk, tsk.

My day, 10-11 PM:  I Tivo’d 24 and watched Florida stomp the hell out of UCLA until ten, when the roommates came home and wanted to watch the Jack Bauer Power Hour.   Once again, I watched 24 during the precise hour that the episode took place.  Again, the universe managed not to implode.

Final Score:  73 – 57, Florida.  I ate some beef fajitas, and several handfuls of chocolate chips.