Magic: the (re)Gathering; Friends and Family
Published April 27th, 2006 in A day in the life, Magic: The GatheringThis weekend, I attended my first officially sanctioned Magic tournament on Saturday, followed on Sunday by a special surprise I’m saving for the last paragraph. I’m not seeing Wonder Woman for a few weeks as she bears down to finish off her final semester of law school, so until then I won’t just be wearing my underpants on the outside; I’ll also be wearing a big pointy wizard hat. (Note: I do not actually own a big pointy hat, so if anybody doesn’t know what to get me for my next birthday…)
The tournament was a “limited” tournament, where everyone gets a stack of cards and a half-hour to build a deck. Not good; I take that much time deciding which brand of pasta to buy. While the children around me went to work, I spent ten minutes just reading my cards and filling with levels of panic normally reserved for standardized tests. I had to resort to Old Faithful (my usual bit of telling everyone in sight that I have no idea what I’m doing) and the guy sitting across from me offered to help. Back when I first played, if someone had offered to help me build a deck I would have told him to go fireball himself, but back then I didn’t feel like a kid who can’t tie his own shoe.
I won’t even bother reporting how the competition went, except to say I lost. I lost repeatedly. I lost to children and I lost to adults. I lost the blowouts and I lost the close games. I would’ve lost my dignity but I left it at home, where it’s been collecting dust ever since I started this mess. And if the losing weren’t bad enough, I have yet to make a successful joke in that place. That hurts the most. I know my sense of humor is dubious, but I still take pride in it. (Remember, I am a professional comedy writer.) If I can’t win at Magic, at least I could be “the funny guy”, and usually my shotgun-like approach works; as long as I keep firing eventually I hit something, but everything goes wrong there. I can only conclude that there is some sort of anti-funny enchantment or something.
What was noteworthy about the tournament was a moment halfway through my second match. I was playing against a kid who was mopping the floor with me, when he turned to the elderly guy playing next to him and said, “Dad, you should play that differently.” Dad??? DAD???
In fact, not only was this kid’s dad in the tournament, the dad was good. I know my father thinks it’s great that he paid for my college education, but Dad, if you’re reading this, you should be taking notes, dude. (Though there was a tricky moment when the kid called his father on an illegal move, and the dad growled through his teeth, “Why don’t you tell me about it later.” He seemed about a half-second away from casting a Child Abuse spell. The dad’s opponent and I shared a concerned look, but the more I think about it, kids need to learn not to mess with another man’s game.)
On an entirely different subject, I found out that thirteen-year olds really suck at handshakes. Nothing but clammy, wet noodles. One kid looked genuinely afraid, and then held his hand out palm-down like a woman. There are a bunch of fathers and older brothers who are sleeping at the wheel here.
While the tournament was enjoyable, the whole reason I started going to Neutral Ground was that I hoped to meet a group of guys and join a regular game. Yet despite my wealth of social skills, I was still paying money just to play against other people, and I was getting frustrated. All you need is a deck and friend, but I never thought the friend part would be the tough one.
Which leads me to my second big Magic happening of the weekend: I got myself a magic-buddy. (Possibly two of them.) It was raining Sunday, and I used that as an excuse to go over to my friend Matt’s place and give him his first introduction to the greatest game of all time. Even more encouraging, his (female!) roommate stuck around and watched. She even seemed interested, though it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve misinterpreted the interest of an attractive woman. I can’t wait to go back again. I keep telling her that if she learned the game she would easily be the hottest Magic player to date (Wonder Woman doesn’t play), and I promise that she could swing by Neutral Ground any day of the week to find a legion of twelve year olds willing to do her amply-chested bidding.
And that’s the beauty of this game. There’s something in it for everybody.
i think once you get back into fighting shape, you should crush those 13 year-old hands with man handshakes. but as long as you continue to lose, offer a wetter noodle (it will either earn their trust, or scare them, giving a glimpse of their limp-wristed futures). a win-win for the z-man
I think you need to make a distinction between the 2 different factions in the nerd civil war, and then clearly side with one or the other.
Basically, it’s the wizards versus the vulcans.
The wizards derive from D&D (in all it’s forms: MTG), comics, and generally anything else that invloves magic (including super powers). These people manage to do poorly in school, while simultaneously receiving frequent beatings. Their social status and general quality of life steadily decline from the time they are 12 years old, until ultimately, they end up in the Android’s Dungeon as Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons.
Then you’ve got vulcan science nerds. They study a lot, enjoy science fiction, and are prone to contests where you try and see who can name various physcial and mathematical constants to the most decimal places. If you think pi is just 3.14 then you’re nothing but a scruffy nerf herder. That sort of thing. Science nerds get beat up plenty in junior high too, but they unltimately end up with good jobs, money, and, as per Scarface’s postulate, then they get the women.
quit lumping them all together and declare where your allegiance
Really? Is that really the distinction? Or did you just draw an arbitrary line in the sand and declare that your side is the “cool side.”
in terms you can understand:
http://www.neutralground.com/items.php?id=32976
“Schools” has the right idea, but you should take it up a notch by ramping up both the quality of the handshake and the wetness. Let me explain. Thunder Lizard says that I don’t give a good handshake. It is not wet or limp or anything like that, but firm and protected. Like most good handshakers (guys) the edges of our hands touch more than the squishy palms. This is just how it is done.
Thunder Lizard, who is a girl, says that the palms should touch as well. She is wrong but persistant and in our house, we try to be sensitive to everyone’s views. On that note, when TL and I have a serious deal to make we make it old school — spitting on our palms first. And that’s my advice to you as well.
Go get em, champ.
As a kid, it was never ok for my dad to play where I hung out. This is why the kids of today are so screwed up.
I think there’s a spectrum of nerdiness: on one end are the idle wizards, vulcans, and super-heroes, and on the other end are all the computer, chess, and classical music geeks.
The triple-C’s spend years developing discipline and dedication so that they may ACTIVELY engage in cerebral pursuits. OG’s science guy fits into this club.
The wizards, vulcans, and super-heroes usually lack discipline and spend all their time obsessing about pulpy pop culture, oblivious as grades and pussy pass them by. There’s your Simpsons Comic Book Guy.
“Magic: The Gathering”? Sounds like a chess-geek strategy thing ornamented in fantasy shlock. Some of those kids will be working at the Pentagon one day.
I give your friend and his roomate 2 weeks before they start regularly kicking your ass… I mean they have like 23 life points and you’re dead, game after game…
Sorry, but that’s just how I see it in the cards for you z.