Cancer reads US Magazine
Published May 31st, 2006 in MiscellaneousHere’s why I’ll probably never work for CNN. If I was ever writing an article with the headline, “Does estrogen make cancer behave differently?” I would have probably ended it with,
Scientists developed their theorem after being baffled by the behavior of certain tumors. “It defied all rationality,” stated one anonymous researcher. Furthermore, doctors observed the tumors tended to grow despite having recently joined a gym, possibly due to uncontrollable chocolate cravings. Encouragingly, the tumors responded favorably to repeated views of the series finale of Sex and the City, particularly when Carrie ended up with Big.
(For the record, cancer isn’t funny. I’m not trying to make fun of cancer; I’m trying to make fun of women, who are HILARIOUS.)
(Apologies to Wonder Woman and my mom, now that I know she reads this. I’m really trying not to think about how many blowjob related jokes I’ve made here.)
Update: I had screwed up inserting the link, but it works now.
Dry humping a supermodel: what’s new on Lost
Published May 27th, 2006 in Lost, TelevisionLost has a habit of setting up dozens of mind-boggling mysteries and solving NONE of them. My friend Jordan, whose use of imagery is nothing short of genius, describes the experience of watching the show as frustrating as “Dry Humping a Supermodel”.
This week’s supermodel: Where do I begin? Two hours of supermodels, leaving me as turned on and ultimately frustrated as the first time I laid hands on a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.
Ultimately though, I’m just one man who can only really dry-hump one supermodel at a time. So let’s go with the mystery of what brought down the plane. After all, our heroes were never supposed to be on this island. They were flying aboard an otherwise perfectly good airplane from Australia to Los Angeles when all of a sudden the plane lurched and the tail was ripped off. I’m writing this as I wait to board a flight from New York to San Francisco, so I’m thrilled to discuss this at length.
Where’re my underpants???
Published May 26th, 2006 in MiscellaneousSo, yesterday I flew from New York to San Francisco to spend the weekend with Big Brother, Thunder Lizard, and the official six-month old nephew of Underpants on the Outside, who shall be known as “Talks a lot at five in the morning”.
Posts to come (I know I’m due for the Lost season finale), but I’m somewhat delayed by overwhemingly cute drooling.
What a difference a day makes: 24 little hours (Part 2)
Published May 23rd, 2006 in 24, TelevisionWAIT, THERE’S MORE! LAST NIGHT WAS THE TWO-HOUR SEASON FINALE!
Jack’s day, 6-7 AM:
Let’s hear it for the last hour! Except for the fact that I’m am exhausted!
So the President is about to leave in a chopper after being delayed by the First Ho. Meanwhile, Jack cooks up some fake ID and lures one of the pilots out of the chopper, where Jack puts him in a sleeper hold and takes a flight suit and helmet. Even though it’s 6:05 AM and pitch-black, Jack lowers the sun-visor on his helmet. Y’know… so he’ll look inconspicuous. It doesn’t compare to the hoodie/CLOAK OF INVISIBILITY, but Jack is the type of guy who makes do with what he has at hand. Mary starts singing “I wear my sun…glasses at night” and I crack up. Good to see she’s over her fear of Jack, who looks ridiculous in that get-up.
What a difference a day makes: 24 little hours (Part 1 of 2)
Published May 23rd, 2006 in 24, TelevisionLast season, I got into 24 quite a bit. Most people I know say it’s the best show on television, and I have to admit, I see their point. I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I’m going to compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.
Jack’s day, 5-6 am: As we draw near to the close, we find Jack at a Los Angeles port, where terrorists have taken over a Russian submarine. That really takes me back. I grew up in L.A., and I used to love it when my dad would take me down to the beach, throw a Frisbee around, and show me the latest in Russian submarine technology. Good times.
Two hours from the end of the season, we’ve finally worked out who the head terrorist is. He now has control of the submarine’s weapon systems, and he goes on the intercom to tell his men that they are “close to finishing what they started.” Last time I checked, these terrorists “started” by trying to nerve gas a shopping mall. Unless there’s a Hot Dog on a Stick in that sub, I’d say they were pretty freakin far from where they started.
You dropped a bomb on Z… baby
Published May 22nd, 2006 in A day in the lifeAs I’ve mentioned before, I teach a test prep course. Being the entertainer I am, I try and make it as interesting as possible. Last week I was in the middle of a class reviewing two acronyms we use as mnemonic devices: SEAL and BLEND. These acronyms apply to the same subject material, and I told the joke I always tell when we get to this particular lesson:
“So we have our SEAL and then we BLEND it. And what do we get?” (Pause for comedic effect.)
“A fatty beverage!”
Dry humping a supermodel: what’s new on Lost
Published May 18th, 2006 in Lost, TelevisionLost has a habit of setting up dozens of mind-boggling mysteries and solving NONE of them. My friend Jordan, whose use of imagery is nothing short of genius, describes the experience of watching the show as frustrating as “Dry Humping a Supermodel”.
This week’s supermodel: We’re still humpin the Others
…but we’ve had a development! A huge one! We’ve now seen the Other’s camp! The supermodel invited us into her bedroom! (Still, you know how this is gonna end.)
The father whose kid was taken by the Others (Michael) set out to find them, was summarily captured and they led him back to their camp. For some reason their camp reminded me a lot of Tantooine, but that might be because everyone was wearing khaki. First of all, I mean EVERYONE was wearing khaki, and it wasn’t like “clothes that have been bleached by the sun”. They were wearing varied shades of khaki. Clearly one of these hatches contains a Banana Republic.
Monkeys need to take the edge off, too
Published May 17th, 2006 in MiscellaneousI love a lot of things in this world. It would be exhausting to try and make a list, but I’m confident when I say that somewhere on the list would be “awesome science experiments”, “drinking”, and “monkeys”. So when a group of scientists performed an experiment to analyze alcohol consumption among rhesus monkeys, it’s like they were trying to make giggle. I encourage everyone to read the Discovery.com article, but basically, it says that monkeys drink just like we used to drink back before we had support groups.
Some highlights:
For the initial experiment, 21 females gained access to an aspartame-sweetened ethanol concoction during a group “happy hour.”
Although everyone in the room knew that the “aspartame-sweetened ethanol concoction” was nothing more than diet coke and rum, the females still insisted on giving it a name riddled with sexual innuendo. They eventually settled on “The Furry Banana”.
What a difference a day makes: 24 little hours
Published May 16th, 2006 in 24, TelevisionLast season, I got into 24 quite a bit. Most people I know say it’s the best show on television, and I have to admit, I see their point. I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I’m going to compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.
Jack’s day, 4 - 5 AM: Jack just got the recording of the President’s treason safely back at CTU, so he finally has a chance to relax. All he has to do is have a quick conference call with the Attorney General, and then he could head home. (two hours early, no less!) There is absolutely nothing that could possibly go wrong.
If you had asked me at the beginning of the episode how I thought the episode might end, I probably would have given you the following odds:
Jack torturing/killing Robocop: 3-1
Jack torturing/killing the President: 5-2
Jack hijacking another plane: 20-1
Jack saying “I’m sorry” without following it with “but…” and a gunshot: 100-1
Jack heading towards a hijacked Russian submarine: What???
Dry humping a supermodel: what’s new on Lost
Published May 11th, 2006 in Lost, TelevisionLost has a habit of setting up dozens of mind-boggling mysteries and solving NONE of them. My friend Jordan, whose use of imagery is nothing short of genius, describes the experience of watching the show as frustrating as “Dry Humping a Supermodel”.
This week’s supermodel: The Hatches
Ah, the Hatches. It’s taken me too long to get around to this particular hotty, who we’ve been dry-humping like dry-rabbits for some time now. On a hotness/frustrated at dry-humping scale, the Hatches rank higher than the POLAR BEAR on a tropical island, but slightly lower than the fact that the tropical island heals people like E.T.