Underpants On The Outside

As I’ve worked on this site I’ve downloaded several nifty statistics programs.  Mostly I use them for hourly checks on how many people have looked at my site so far that day. (Answer: not that many - let’s shoot for triple digits, people!)  But there are other cool features.  For instance, when people find my site via a search agent, I can see what phrase they had entered, and when I look through these, I find it to be very telling about the kind of people who make up my audience.

First of all, the most popular search phrase, by far, is “pokey”, bringing 578 referrals to the Underpants.  So thank you, Pokey.  If you weren’t so slow at everything, I wouldn’t have as many readers.  Keep on slowly keepin’ on. 

Coming in second is “underpantsontheoutside”, at 450 referrals.  It makes sense, though if people knew the URL that well, I don’t understand why they just didn’t type it into their address bar.  Then again, I’d hate to confuse all the people who were really looking for underpantsontheoutside.gov.

In third place is “Dry Humping”, with ten referrals.  I looked up Dry Humping on both Google and MSN, and let me just say that my site isn’t exactly the first one that comes up.  In order to get to my site, one would have to read about dry humping for an estimated hour and a half.  Most of this would consist of finding out whether dry humping can make you pregnant.  I know it’s remotely possible, but I’m starting to suspect that kids really aren’t familiar with what dry humping really is.  Just because you skipped foreplay doesn’t make it dry humping.

The rest of the list is a bunch of phrases that have only brought a single reader to the site, meaning I’m no more popular on the internet than I was in high school.  Go me.  But there are certainly some that stand out:

“Underpants are on the Outside”: Welcome to being a superhero.

“Underpants go on the Outside”: Sometimes, but unless you want your kid to get beat up you should mention that it’s not the traditional way to wear them.

“People Humping”: Sorry, I got nothing for you here.  Move along.

“Speed Humping”: There is no reason why this person should have found my site, but if they’re looking to race, they have no idea who they’re dealing with.

“Pee time is me time”: Goddamn right.

“Funny ‘fridge leftover’”:  What the hell did you just call me?  (Seriously, what could this person possibly have been looking for?  How stoned do you have to be to look on the internet for something in your kitchen?)

“Supermodel Charlie Speed”:  I am actually the number one result on Google for this phrase, but if there were a super-hot girl named “Charlie Speed”, that’d be pretty awesome.  If Underpants on the Outside ever has an official spokesmodel (we’re a ways off, but a man can dream) I’m calling her that. 

“Can you get pregnant from dry humping”:  If you do, go buy a lottery ticket.  But it would serve you right for blueballing a guy, and stop asking me; there are trained professionals for this at your school.

“Superman fanny pack”:  That’s a fucking GREAT idea.  Let me know when you find one.

“Underpants on the outside of pants”:  Welcome, foreigner!

“Illiteration explanation”:  Stop here and think about this one for five minutes.  It will keep getting funnier and funnier. 

 “Robot Underpants”: That’s a ridiculous idea.  I’m pretty sure you could train a robot not to piss itself.

“She-Hulk breasts”:  Whatever floats your boat, buddy.

“college girls underpants”:  This guy must have been awfully disappointed.

“Toddler underpants”:  Not so sure I’m comfortable with this…

“Mom Underpants”: Okay, eww….

“ladies shit”: No they don’t.  Now stop it.  I mean it.

I’m just going to stop it there.  There are a bunch more, and I’ve had a blast writing this, so I’ll make a part two the next time I’m having an uneventful week and need something to post on.  Until then, enjoy the site, along with many of your fellow sexual deviants.