Underpants On The Outside

Lost has a habit of setting up dozens of mind-boggling mysteries and solving NONE of them. My friend Jordan, whose use of imagery is nothing short of genius, describes the experience of watching the show as frustrating as “Dry Humping a Supermodel”.

This week’s Supermodel: The Others

Now, I know I’ve talked about the Others before, but sooner or later I’m going to have to double up, and the Others are THE mystery of season two. You can read my last post about them here.   If you don’t feel like reading it, they’re a bunch of people who can show up at any place at any time, and when they do, you’re not leaving with as many kids as you showed up with. 

But some things have happened since the last time I wrote that.  First of all, the survivors found a stash of theatrical makeup and costumes that look just like what the Others were wearing.  So, they put on costumes and kidnap children.  That’s not a mystery; that’s a felony, and I don’t want to associate any kind of humping with it. 

Second, the survivor who escaped the Others finally remembered how they kept her in an underground medical facility. (There’re several underground bunkers all over the island, but that’s a supermodel for another dry humping.)

Best of all, one of the Others was captured alive.  Because nicknames work better than real names, I’m going to call him Kevin Spacey.  Their voices are the same, he is the best actor on the show, and he’s been mindfucking the survivors like he’s Kaiser Soze.  If one of them said “I’m hungry,” he could look them in the eye and ask, “Are you?  Are you REALLY?”  Two contemplative seconds later, they’d be saying “Dang, now I’m not sure.”  They’ve tortured him, but he still won’t talk about the other Others (this is going to get awkward).  He’s more scared of them.   Kevin Spacey, everybody!  He’s not just an Oscar winning actor, he’s now a dry-humped supermodel.  Give him a hand.

All of this brings us to last night’s episode.  As you’ll recall from my other Other recap, (see?) the dad of one of the kidnapped kids went off in the jungle alone, to take on this bunch of pedophiliac ninjas.  We haven’t heard from him in a while.  Well, last week, the Dad wandered back to camp and collapsed.  Where has he been?  Don’t ask questions; you’ll just end up apologizing to a supermodel for ejaculating on her jeans.

When he came to, he said that he had found the Other camp, and he said it was pathetic.  They were living in tents, and had no guns.  That makes no sense.  Didn’t they have a motorboat?  And how’d he track them, he was never even a boyscout!  And why- oh shit, I came on your jeans.  Sorry.
 
Well, since they’re living on Gullible’s, everybody immediately starts preparing for war with the Others.   It looks like we’re in for the Lost Default Plotline, which is:

1) Something happens.  The survivors think they’re in danger.
2) They go charging off into the forest
3) It turns out that nothing was the way they thought, and they’ve now everything’s worse.
(This has happened like five times this season.  I don’t care; it’s still my favorite show.)

Meanwhile, the episode is looking back into Ana Lucia’s past.  Ana Lucia is played by Michelle Rodriguez, but I know her as The Worst Actress To Be On The Show.  Or, TWAT BOTS.  (I make myself giggle.)

Twat Bots used to be a cop, before she murdered a guy.  Then she came to the island and killed two more people, only one of whom deserved it…maybe.  Her propensity for killing might have been a mystery if she hadn’t been in the LAPD.  (Ba-dum-bum!  Thank you, thank you.  I’ll be here all week.)   Now she’s got guard duty over Kevin Spacey. 

Well, Kevin Spacey gets her with the ol’ mumble-mumble-mumble bit, where she leans in and says “Did you say something?” and then he punches her in the face, which may not be the oldest trick in the book, but it’s definitely in the first chapter.  Her only defense is that he’s THAT good of an actor, and I’d have to agree.

Well, she’s killed people just for startling her, so you better believe Kevin Spacey is going down.  Twat Bots gets herself a gun while everyone else is off putting their war paint on, and she’s alone in the bunker with Kevin Spacey and the Dad… but she just can’t do it.  Even through all the police training, she never really realized that killing is wrong, but now it’s so clear.  She’s having a breakthrough. I’m bored.  Twat Bots earned her name for a reason.

Well, the Dad, he’s pissed.  These are the people who took his son.  He asks her for the gun.  She gives it to him.  Apparently while she’s finally worked out the whole “Murder is wrong” thing, she’s still struggling with “accessory to murder.”

The Dad looks ready.  But he’s got something to say.  “I’m sorry.”  Sorry?  Sorry for wha-KABLAMMO!  He shoots Twat Bot in the stomach!  Then another girl hears the noise and comes running in! KA-BLAMMO!  She takes TWO in the stomach!  Welcome to his your new name, Daddy Gut Shot!  I’m so excited I’m dry humping two supermodels!  Look at all of my exclamation points!  TWAT BOTS MUST DIE!!!!!!!!!

In the last shot of the episode, Daddy Gut Shot opens the room where Kevin Spacey was being held, looks him in the eye, and then Daddy Gut Shot shoots himself.  Not the stomach, oh, god no.  That would hurt.  In the shoulder. 

Who are these people???

Season one was about the island, but now it’s like I’ve completely switched supermodels.  The first Supermodel invited me over to “hang out”, but when I got there she was nowhere around.   Her roommate let me in, offered me a drink.  She said the Supermodel had to go out, but she’d be right back.  An hour went by.  Maybe it was the liquor, but the Roommate was looking pretty good.  Turns out she does a little modeling too.  We seemed to be hitting it off.   We’re talking, we’re laughing, all of a sudden she had her tongue in my mouth.  We were making out, and breathing was getting heavy.  We even managed to make our way to her bed!  I reached to unbutton her jeans!  Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigo-what?  You don’t do that on the first date??? What are you, Amish?  No, that’s cool.  I understand completely.  No, I’m alright.  I like just rubbing up against you, really I do. 

Now I’m hanging out with two supermodels, neither of them is giving me anything, and if I ever have to deal with both of them at the same time things are going to get very confusing.  Not to mention next season, when one of the supermodels will probably invite her hot Ukrainian cousin in for the first dry foursome in history.