Underpants On The Outside

Last season, I got into 24 quite a bit. Most people I know say it’s the best show on television, and I have to admit, I see their point. I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I’m going to compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day. 

Jack’s day 3 – 4 AM:  This was the Top Gun hour.  Jack’s in a commercial airliner with the crucial evidence to incriminate the President.  The President, who doesn’t want to go to jail, sends up an F18 to shoot the plane down under the false pretense that Jack is going to ram the plane into a building into Los Angeles.  But anyone who knows Jack knows that if he wanted to kill Angelenos, he’d do it with his hands. 

Before they hear about the F18, Jack and the copilot are bringing the plane back to L.A. when the copilot feels the urge to make conversation.

“I think you broke my nose.”

What a baby.  Unfortunately, I didn’t write down Jack’s reply, but I was surprised because it was by no means impressive, compared to earlier today when Jack told A KID that the only reason the kid was conscious is because Jack didn’t feel like carrying him.  I’ll give Jack some slack because it’s late and he’s tired, but here are a few responses I came up with that are, in my expert opinion, much much better:

 “Well, then it’s a good thing I didn’t punch you in the vagina.  Now fly the plane.”

“I shot a woman today because her husband pissed me off, so you might want to keep your mouth shut.  Now fly the plane.”

“Really?”  (Punches himself in the face, breaking his own nose.) “WHAT YOU CALL PAIN, I CALL BREAKFAST! NOW FLY THE PLANE!”

“Over the past twenty-one hours I’ve been beaten with a club, nerve-gassed, blown up and stun gunned twice.  Think about that the next time you want to compare dick sizes.  Now fly the plane.”

Jack gets a call on his super-cell from everybody back at CTU.  They tell him Audrey is going to be okay.  Jack says, “Thank God.”   My roommate Mary’s response: “Jack believes in God???  Didn’t he mean to say ‘thank me’?”

We also find out that Daddy Buzzkill is alive, despite driving off a two-hundred foot cliff into the ocean.  Oh, thank Jack, it’s a miracle!

When CTU tells Jack that the F18 is heading for them, Jack tells the pilot to land the plane on a stretch of freeway below.  The copilot doesn’t seem to think this is possible, but Jack tells him that either the copilot is going to do it, or Jack is going to do it, and Jack’s eyes imply that if they go down, the copilot will be the last person that Jack ever kills, and he’s going to make it a doozy.  (I imagine that Jack and Curtis spend warm summer days sitting in the sun, drinking beers and asking each other, “If you could only kill one more person in your life, how would you do it?”)   Wisely, the copilot goes back to spinning straw into gold.

They start descending hard.  The copilot, with nerves of steel wool, gets nervous, and every time Jack asks him to do something he tells Jack it’s impossible.  He’s like Audrey in the air.  Now the copilot says he can’t pull the plane out of its dive.  Of course Jack gets on the stick and the plane levels off in no time, but contrary to popular belief, this is not because Jack is stronger than the copilot.  It’s because Jack intimidates gravity.

The pilot of the F18 says he can’t shoot down the plane now that it is exhibiting a landing profile.  I think he just didn’t want to mess with Jack.   Smart move.

Jack lands the plane safely, but he needs to get the hell out quick.  CTU sent Curtis to come pick him up, but the President sent Marines to apprehend him, and Jack has to escape two battalions of them.  Fortunately for him, they’re setting up a perimeter.  It’s a running joke on 24 fansites that anytime CTU establishes a perimeter, the bad guy is guaranteed to escape.  For example, we’ve already seen Head Terrorist #3 (of 18) escape the CTU’s perimeter around Ontario Airport along with two dozen canisters of nerve gas.  In CTU’s defense, how were they supposed to monitor a hub of activity like Ontario Airport?  Might as well try and count the fish in the sea.

I expect Jack to use his hooded sweatshirt/cloak of invisibility to waltz through the perimeter, but he doesn’t seem to consider that an option.  It might be a one-time use technology.  Luckily, Jack has an excellent plan B: he escapes two battalions of Marines by… jogging.  Wait, wait; he also had to jump a fence.  Whew, that was close.  If things had gotten really hairy, Jack might have even had to fake an Australian accent.  (Or wave his fingers and say, “These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.”)

Jack gets in the car with Curtis, and they’re about to leave when things actually do get hairy.  Marine Humvees block their path, and suddenly they’re at gunpoint.  Curtis tells a Marine they’re federal agents in pursuit of Jack Bauer.  The Marine says that he needs to call it in, and it will only take a couple minutes.  Curtis responds, “A couple minutes are all Bauer needs!”   From the back seat, Jack adds, “Yeah!  That guy’s incredible!  I mean, he just landed a plane on a freeway!  There’s nothing he can’t do!  I also heard he has an incredibly large penis and never fails to satisfy women!”  Luckily, the bluff works.  (My roommate Mary again: “See, Jack, words can solve problems too.”)

Jack gets back to CTU, hands the recording to Chloe, and heads to see Audrey.  Then they have some tender kissy moments which always give me the willies.  They’re just so unnatural.  The Jack I know is a raging tornado of torture and bad-assery; anything other than that and I get confused.  I’d feel the same way if I saw him in shorts and sandals.

Audrey:  “So it’s over”.  Hey, is it just me or does it smell like someone jinxed in here?   In an unrelated story, Audrey was recently heard telling friends, “There’s NO WAY the Lakers lose to the Suns.  They’re up 3-1 in the series!”  Stupid Audrey.

Jack: “Close your eyes.”  I think this means he’s going to kill her, but instead he kisses her knee.  Even in foreplay, Jack obviously aims for major points of vulnerability.  Next he will kiss her throat, kidneys, and femoral artery. 

For the hour:

• Kills: 0
• Knockouts: 0 
• Planes landed on freeway: 1

Clearly, I’m struggling to give Jack credit for anything in his weakest hour so far.  I can’t even credit him for escaping that perimeter because Curtis did all the talking.  Even if he hadn’t, it’d be like high-fiving someone for finishing an ice cream cone.

My day, 3 – 4 AM:  Wonder Woman was in town last night.  Around 3 in the morning, I woke up, copped a feel and went back to sleep.

For the hour:

• Feels: 1

It’s more action than Jack.