Underpants On The Outside

I love a lot of things in this world.  It would be exhausting to try and make a list, but I’m confident when I say that somewhere on the list would be “awesome science experiments”, “drinking”, and “monkeys”.    So when a group of scientists performed an experiment to analyze alcohol consumption among rhesus monkeys, it’s like they were trying to make giggle.  I encourage everyone to read the Discovery.com article, but basically, it says that monkeys drink just like we used to drink back before we had support groups.

Some highlights:

For the initial experiment, 21 females gained access to an aspartame-sweetened ethanol concoction during a group “happy hour.”  

Although everyone in the room knew that the “aspartame-sweetened ethanol concoction” was nothing more than diet coke and rum, the females still insisted on giving it a name riddled with sexual innuendo.  They eventually settled on “The Furry Banana”.

“It was not unusual to see some of the monkeys stumble and fall, sway, and vomit,” Chen added. “In a few of our heavy drinkers, they would drink until they fell asleep.”

Researchers adapted the experiment by shaving the foreheads of the passed-out monkeys and drawing obscene phalluses on them in black Sharpie.  “It’s the only way they’ll learn,” explained Chen.

In yet another study, the scientists gave a group of male monkeys 24-hour access to the beverage dispensers. According to the researchers, a spike in consumption immediately followed the facility’s working hours.  “Monkeys are more likely to drink after stressful periods, such as soon after the daily 8-5 testing hours and after a long week of testing,” said Chen.

When the experiment is about drinking, doesn’t “testing hours” mean “drinking hours”?  As far as I can tell, these monkeys were plied with Furry Bananas for nine hours straight, and when they got home they still needed a drink to unwind.  These guys know how to PARTY.

“The singly housed monkeys certainly drank more than the socially housed monkeys- at least two to three-fold more,” Chen told Discovery News. “With the socially housed monkeys, there are a number of factors that can potentially compete with access to alcohol, such as social status or dominance ranking.”

Chen added, “Or because they’re pussies.”

I don’t know about everybody else, but after reading this I was reminded of high school, when my friend Eugene and I would try and hotbox the dog to see what happened.  I never realized before that I was a goddamn SCIENTIFIC PIONEER.

As far as I’m concerned, Watson can go suck a Crick.

(And yes, I noticed the article on monkeys paying to see pictures of female monkeys.  I’m saving that for another post.)