Underpants On The Outside

Lost has a habit of setting up dozens of mind-boggling mysteries and solving NONE of them. My friend Jordan, whose use of imagery is nothing short of genius, describes the experience of watching the show as frustrating as “Dry Humping a Supermodel”.

This week’s supermodel:  We’re still humpin the Others

…but we’ve had a development!  A huge one!  We’ve now seen the Other’s camp!  The supermodel invited us into her bedroom!  (Still, you know how this is gonna end.)

The father whose kid was taken by the Others (Michael) set out to find them, was summarily captured and they led him back to their camp.  For some reason their camp reminded me a lot of Tantooine, but that might be because everyone was wearing khaki.  First of all, I mean EVERYONE was wearing khaki, and it wasn’t like “clothes that have been bleached by the sun”.  They were wearing varied shades of khaki.  Clearly one of these hatches contains a Banana Republic. 

When they get Michael back to the camp, the first thing one of the Others does is prick him with a hypodermic needle and take his blood.   Listen, I understand you supermodels need to be safe, and I’m willing to get tested, but I wish you’d ask, y’know?  Plus, I usually use protection and besides, I doubt you’re going to get the lab work back by the time our foreplay is over… what do you mean, we won’t need it tonight?  Why not?

Then they tie Michael up.  Now we’re talking.  But although I’m down for a whole lot of kinky stuff, and I know we’ve been dry-humping for several weeks now, I usually like to keep things simple for the first time.  Still, I’m not complaining.  When a supermodel ties you up, it doesn’t matter if she does it with silly string and bubble gum, you STAY TIED UP.

Then a female other comes in, and introduces herself as Ms. Clue.  Oh, now we’re role-playing too?  No, no, that’s cool.  I’ve been a bad prisoner.  You should probably take off my pants.  Uh, babe?  My pants?

Ms. Clue asks Michael a whole bunch of weird questions like “when did your son first start speaking?”  and “Has your boy ever appeared someplace he wasn’t supposed to be?”  Michael’s answer:  “Yeah, my wife’s uterus!  He wasn’t exactly what you’d call a planned pregnancy, know what I’m saying?”  (That might not have been his actual answer.  I think it was more like “What???”  To which I say, welcome to the supermodel, Mike.  You want to dry hump the left leg or the right?)

Then she tells him about Kevin Spacey captured back at the original hatch, and she tells Mike that if he frees Spacey, she’ll give his son back to him.  Mike wisely demands to see his son, and Ms. Clue calls “Picket” to bring Walt in.  “Picket”?   Don’t girl scouts give each other names like this?  I’m willing to dry-hump a lot of things, but not girl scouts; I draw the line at “two boxes of Thin Mints, please.”  Wait, maybe it’s not girl scouts, I might be thinking of Hobbits.  Doesn’t matter, I’m still not dry-humping it. 

Walt comes in and tells Michael that the Others are making him take tests.  What???  Then he says that they’re “pretending”.  WHAT???   Look, for all my talk earlier, that is one really hot super-Hobbit, and when Picket drags Walt out of there before he can give us any answers… let’s just say some lines were made for crossing.  (I’m still not dry-humping a girl scout.  Wait - is she eighteen?)

Then Ms. Clue tells Michael that if he frees Kevin Spacey and brings four specific castaways back to the Other camp, she’ll let him and Walt go.  She writes down a list.  She wants:

• The doctor who thinks he’s really good in a fight despite all evidence to the contrary.
• The con artist
• The fat guy
• The hot girl who continually makes the doctor and con artist think she’s going to sleep with them, only to not sleep with them.  (Hey, that sounds familiar…)

Now, as much as I like funky experiments, this is really pushing me.  What kind of scientists are these?  Why do they need the fat guy?  When will this supermodel give me release???

You know it’s not your week when a supermodel invites you home and ties you up and you STILL can’t get laid.  If she’s “Ms. Clue”, please call me “Mr. No-You’re-Not.”

The previews for next week’s episode mentioned, “The answers you’ve been looking for.”  I say “Dry hump this.”