Underpants On The Outside

I just finished reading Casino Royale by Ian Fleming, one of the early James Bond books and the one they’re basing the next movie on.  First of all, I’d like to say that the writing is horrible, but I noticed a couple interesting things I’d like to share.

First of all, in the book James Bond doesn’t drink a martini, shaken, not stirred.  His martini is an elaborate concoction of both gin and vodka that takes him two paragraphs to order.  Keep in mind he’s in France.  From what little I know of Franco-English relationships (based entirely on stereotypes), there’s no way a French bartender would listen to some pretentious English jackass ramble on about how much condensation he wants on the outside of a martini shaker.  Bond is not smooth; he’s the asshole who takes a half-hour to order when you’re waiting behind him in the bar.  Then when the bartender delivers the drink, Bond criticizes that he used a potato vodka instead of a grain one, and we’re supposed to believe the bartender appreciates Bond’s refined tastes.  I think the bartender appreciates that Bond can’t tell potato vodka from urine.  

Secondly, Bond’s famed skill with women isn’t exactly what I thought it would be.  His seduction techniques involve carafes of vodka before dinner, champagne during dinner, and cocktails afterwards.  Oh, but that’s nothing compared to his charm.  Like when he’s anticipating sex with the agent he has made gloriously drunk.  Up until then, she seemed cold, but with each meeting she revealed a little more about herself.  Her reluctance excites Bond, and he expects that every time they have sex it will have, and I quote, “the sweet tang of rape.”  Read that five or six more times.  I didn’t misspell anything.

Didn’t the astronauts drink Tang?  Did they get the Rape flavor, or just Orange?

When you see a quote that really touches you (whether or not you wanted it to), it’s important to share it.  That’s why, with all the romance you have come to expect from me, the first thing I did after I read that sentence five times (to make sure I got the wording just right) was I called Wonder Woman and lovingly told her to prepare herself for the aforementioned sweet, sweet tang.

I wonder if that’s going in the movie?

I like to read about science.  It’s the dogged pursuit of genius that simultaneously gives equal weight to every dumbfuck brainfart a human being ever had.   I know that’s how I try and live my life.  It’s also why I’d like to refer everyone to this article.

Basically, the article is about different ideas crazy ass scientists have had to try and quick-fix global warming.   I’m all for it; I sweat like a demon for ten months a year.   But people seem to forget that the planet is essentially a used car.  As anyone who has ever owned a used car can tell you, what you’re supposed to do is drive it easy and avoid long, brutal trips.  What you’re not supposed to do is spend a fortune putting in power windows and rims just to take your ’89 Camry off-roading.  In this case the engine has 8 trillion years on it, and for the last forty we’ve been driving around with coal and DDT in the gas tank.

Read more…

After a sit down with the Marketing Department (read: thinking on the can), I decided to split the Underpants.  From now on, all comic-book related semi-hilarity will be presented on my new site, Superhero Diaries (superherodiaries.com).  Don’t worry, I’ll still be doing semi-funny things here on the Underpants; I was just thinking that if I wanted to build a true comic book site, it should be appropriately isolated and anti-social. 

Check it out - all the old Comic Blogs are there, including a new one (exclusive!) that just went up today.

Update:  I just put up a review of the preview for Spiderman 3.  Check it out.

By which I mean I got another article up on College Humor.  It’s a shame it had to end this way; I finally thought I was ready to settle down.

In the pursuit of nerditude, I recently decided to start playing Magic: The Gathering, after a ten-year hiatus. Let’s see how it’s going so far…

I have to admit something: I tried online dating for about a year spanning 2002-2003.  I was ashamed at first, then amazed by the amount of time and effort it required, but in the end I couldn’t argue with the results: a series of dates with women I bestowed with well-deserved nicknames like “Limpy”, “Lumpy”, and “The Deuce”.  (The first two are pretty self-explanatory; the Deuce was named after my best estimation of her weight, a good sixty to seventy pounds more than she listed on her profile.*) The experiment wasn’t a total failure, however; I got laid… with a girl who punched me in the face TWICE during sex.  But that’s a story for a different time.

Now I’m turning back to the internet for a new type of relationship: Magic buddies.  For some reason it is now easier for me to have sex than it is to play Magic, a typo in the natural order of the universe I suspect came from Y2K. 

I’m certainly not the first nerd looking for a soulmate on the internet, but the only way I can think of finding buddies is to put an ad up on Craigslist, the internet’s answer to the Port Authority bus terminal, and the type of place I feel real comfortable leaving my inner child at 3AM.  With any luck, someone in the New York area will be sitting at their computer and be struck by a sudden urge to search for “Magic the Gathering” while they wait to see if anyone is willing to give them a blowjob in exchange for an eightball.  When they do, a lifelong friendship will be waiting for them. 

I don’t see any way this could turn out badly.

*To be fair, I deserve some of the blame for the date going badly; I should’ve chosen a better way to greet her than “Whoa.”

Defying all expectations, I didn’t embarrass myself at John Law’s wedding this weekend.  In fact, if I might boast a moment, my speech was a moving tribute to my friends, and how lucky we are to have John Law’s wife join our group. 

Then my friends reminded me why they mean so much to me by leaving me at a club in the middle of nowhere.  I probably deserved it; after all, it was reckless to go take a piss without telling anyone the way I did.  Luckily that 250 pound guy claimed the only cab; I almost forgot that I didn’t have a dollar on me after paying cover charges for me, a buddy and his girlfriend. 

If I didn’t have such a sharp eye for irony I might have tripped over it.

I was a little concerned being the only guy for miles wearing sleeves, let alone a suit, not to mention the fact that even the ladies outweighed me by at least twenty pounds.  And when the cops started arresting people for reasons I couldn’t determine, I’ll admit I panicked a bit.  But something about hearing your friend say, “Oh, shit, you were still there?  Sorry I didn’t pick up the phone, I was getting a beej from that ugly chick” makes it all okay.  Thanks, guys. 

I’m leaving town tomorrow for Little Rock, Arkansas to attend the wedding of John Law. I’m super happy for him, and it’s quite an accomplishment. Consider some of our other friends: friend #1 should be finalizing his divorce papers later this year, right about the time he would have been celebrating his one-year anniversary, and friend #2 just called off his upcoming wedding, and hopefully has worked out any issues stemming from their joint checking accounts. Good times had by all.

But none of that applies to John Law; he and his fiance are awesome together, and I have nothing but optimism for those two. With any luck, he’ll be the first of my friends to get married in such a way where I can discuss it without the use of air quotes.

Read more…

Did you hear? Peter Parker is Spiderman!

Reason number 1 why New York is the greatest city ever: we are now reporting comic book news as if it were real news. Logically, the next step would be blogging comic book life as if it were real li- oh wait, I’VE BEEN DOING THAT FOR MONTHS! I’m a goddamn visionary!

The only sad part is that, despite what the article says, that issue came out a week ago [Ed - no it didn’t] yet the Post still managed to beat everyone else to the story. The Times and Daily News better get on the ball; I hear Superman is battling a giant spaceship RIGHT NOW.

In fact, there is no section in the paper that couldn’t use a little comic book news from time to time. Observe:

Obituaries: The Ventriloquist, Magpie, and Cold War-era relic KGBeast were murdered in Gotham City.

Law: She-Hulk’s rape suspect, Starfox, escaped from prison.

Business: Lexcorp has made surprising developments in the field of anti-Superman spacecraft and is reported higher-than-expected earnings in Q3.

Life and Leisure: If you’re looking for fun things to do in Star City, take a night-time catapult tour of the city from City Hall, courtesy of Green Arrow.

Sports: Thor hits 10,567 ft home run. Thor has always lived under suspicion for steroid abuse due to his outlandish physique, but now critics are leveling additional charges that he uses a corked hammer.

Life is awesome.

Full Disclosure: Apparently Gawker got to this story earlier today and made a similar joke as me.  I think mine was better, at the very least longer and based on actual comic books. Still, they’re a lot better at this blogging thing than me, and I wanted to acknowledge it lest I get a beatdown for plagiarism.

Update: Goddamnit!  The issue DID come out yesterday!   This whole post hasn’t really been working out for me.  I guess that’s what happens when my fact checking department, like my IT and legal departments, consists of me and a six pack of Miller Lite.  Clearly I’m understaffed and need to hire more six packs.  BA-DUM-BUM!  (Thank you, thank you.  I’ll be here all week.)

There is a man at my company whose job title is “Region President”. I think that’s a fantastic job title, and I want it.

So here is a list of regions I am qualified to be president of:

• Air hockey tables (trust me; you don’t want none of this)
• My lounge pants with the Bat-symbol all over them
• A large assortment of trees I have peed on
• The front seat - SHOTGUN!
• My sandwich (I licked it.)

And the next time I’m in the bathroom and someone knocks on the door, I’m going to reply, “Uh, someone’s already president of this region!”

I’ve got a new movie quotes article up on Cracked.com, though I use the singular first person pronoun loosely.  I’ve compared my rough draft with the article on the site and come to the conclusion that an editor with a good sense of humor is an awesome awesome thing.  Big thanks to the guys over there*.

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