Putting on my finest underpants
Published June 15th, 2006 in A day in the lifeI’m leaving town tomorrow for Little Rock, Arkansas to attend the wedding of John Law. I’m super happy for him, and it’s quite an accomplishment. Consider some of our other friends: friend #1 should be finalizing his divorce papers later this year, right about the time he would have been celebrating his one-year anniversary, and friend #2 just called off his upcoming wedding, and hopefully has worked out any issues stemming from their joint checking accounts. Good times had by all.
But none of that applies to John Law; he and his fiance are awesome together, and I have nothing but optimism for those two. With any luck, he’ll be the first of my friends to get married in such a way where I can discuss it without the use of air quotes.
Sentiments like that are why I’m going to be giving a speech at the wedding.
So while I won’t be putting anything on the site tomorrow, keep your eyes peeled for Monday’s inevitable post, “I do something stupid: ruined wedding.” Here are preliminary odds on possible outcomes:
- I stutter during my speech: pretty much guaranteed
- I accidentally ruin friend #1 or #2’s chances of sleeping with a bridesmaid: 2:1 (I’m the worst wingman ever.)
- I give inappropriate speech: Depends on who you talk to. John Law’s parents and bride-to-be are nervous. They even asked him to say something to me, which is just a little insulting, considering their concern is based on a Christmas party NINE YEARS AGO (and previously discussed in this space) when I got too drunk and allegedly joked with John Law’s parents about anal sex. Again… NINE YEARS AGO. I was eighteen. Can someone please look up the statute of limitations on this? So if you ask them, the odds are probably 8:1. If you ask me, I’d say 50:1. (Look, it’s farfetched, not impossible.)
- Friend #1 or #2 gives an impromptu (drunk) and inappropriate speech: Way more likely.
- Me goading Friends #1 and #2 into impromptu (drunk) and inappropriate speech: Oh, definitely.
what are the odds of you actually walking ‘up’ the aisle during the ceremony?
attracting the drunken aggression of another partygoer?
pissing off the person hosting the reception?
wrestling in your boxer shorts in the front yard after the reception?
Hey, I think I faintly remember that… But you forgot the message written in mustard on the refrigerator, or the uncomfortable conversation with a police officer.
Just dont get drunk and heckle the brides father while he is giving his speech— put people you dont know in loving drunk headlocks; tell the brides mother how much coke you did before the ceremony. call the the bride a fucking bitch; get thrown out of the wedding by another groomsman, then get thrown out again by the groom when you come back 15 minutes after getting thrown out; Then show up the next morning at the sunday wedding buffet drunk and still in your tux.
Gotta admit, joshypoo makes some solid recommendations.
I give inappropriate speech: 4:1 Honestly, it’s your nature.
Joshypoo,
Did The Polack really do all that? Wow, I feel jipped, I only saw half the show…
TL
thunder lizard– yes the polack really did all that and a quite a bit more. You also missed act 2. which involved MR Big A. — just a quick snapshot at 1 of the highlights. The groom getting called in to the main dining room because his help is needed. Groom finds Mr Big A and Brides Brother trying to fight each other with at least 20 partygoers trying to break them up. All this because Big A allegedly grabbed Brides brothers wifes ass. Big A loudly and dramatically claims it is a conspiracy; he was set up because of his ethnicity.