Underpants On The Outside

I like to read about science.  It’s the dogged pursuit of genius that simultaneously gives equal weight to every dumbfuck brainfart a human being ever had.   I know that’s how I try and live my life.  It’s also why I’d like to refer everyone to this article.

Basically, the article is about different ideas crazy ass scientists have had to try and quick-fix global warming.   I’m all for it; I sweat like a demon for ten months a year.   But people seem to forget that the planet is essentially a used car.  As anyone who has ever owned a used car can tell you, what you’re supposed to do is drive it easy and avoid long, brutal trips.  What you’re not supposed to do is spend a fortune putting in power windows and rims just to take your ’89 Camry off-roading.  In this case the engine has 8 trillion years on it, and for the last forty we’ve been driving around with coal and DDT in the gas tank.

I should add that I’m all for wacky ideas.  I’ve seen a man light a cigarette from a banana wired to a wall socket, and I considered that a huge step for both mankind and the four food groups. But consider the following:

One of the pictures shows a cloud machine.  Sounds terrific, but unless our cloud machine runs on pixie dust, I’m pretty sure we’re going to be putting up one part cloud, two parts carbon exhaust from all the power it takes to make the clouds in the first place.  Hey, a global water slide network would take our minds off the heat; let’s build one of those, too!  On the plus side, wherever these clouds were manufactured could be renamed Cloud City, and it could be mandated that every mayor of Cloud City would adopt a new name while in office, like the pope, except the mayors would all be named Lando Calrissian.  With the current state of the American auto industry, I think this would be a great use for Detroit.  In fact, we should do this regardless of hypothetical cloud machines.

Some scientists have proposed orbiting a gigantic mirror to reflect the sun’s rays back into space.   I’m not saying this can’t work; for all I know fifty years from now pretentious teenagers will write poems comparing women to a cool breeze under the shade disk.  But at the very least all the other planets are going to think we’re totally metro.  Plus, fifty bucks says we’re going to set fire to a small population of warlike Jupiter Ants who will then proceed with a full-scale invasion.  What’s to stop them?  Even Jupiter Ants know metros are defenseless.

Other scientists want to use a series of small lenses to deflect the sun’s rays.  We can’t keep contacts in our eyes, but we want to put thousands of them into space.  Can’t imagine what would go wrong.  On the other hand, I get so sick of always having a blue planet.  Maybe some days we could wear brown lenses, or green ones.  Y’know, whatever would match our outfit.  But I don’t want it to look fake, okay?

Lastly, I like the photo at the top, of two Palestinian kids swimming in green goo which is apparently a reservoir filled with algae.  Somehow I doubt this was a Palestinian idea.  Not that they’re not capable, but who’s got the time to fill a reservoir with algae when you’re so busy denouncing Israel’s statehood?  Luckily, nothing says respect for a disenfranchised people more than turning their water supply into a science experiment, especially when it’s a particularly mucky science experiment.    I’m not even sure what that’s supposed to do.   Before I stop chlorinating my hot tub for the sake of the planet, can we get some confirmation on this?  (Full disclosure:  I don’t have a hot tub.  If I did, you can bet I wouldn’t be in a monogamous relationship.)

In fact, going by the used-car analogy, what we oughta be doing is saving for the down-payment on a new planet, maybe a two-door with a hatchback.   In any case, if we’re already turning to Professor McGoofy’s Zany Idea Vault, I’m pretty sure we’re doomed, so smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.