How to be a secret agent
Published June 30th, 2006 in MiscellaneousI just finished reading Casino Royale by Ian Fleming, one of the early James Bond books and the one they’re basing the next movie on. First of all, I’d like to say that the writing is horrible, but I noticed a couple interesting things I’d like to share.
First of all, in the book James Bond doesn’t drink a martini, shaken, not stirred. His martini is an elaborate concoction of both gin and vodka that takes him two paragraphs to order. Keep in mind he’s in France. From what little I know of Franco-English relationships (based entirely on stereotypes), there’s no way a French bartender would listen to some pretentious English jackass ramble on about how much condensation he wants on the outside of a martini shaker. Bond is not smooth; he’s the asshole who takes a half-hour to order when you’re waiting behind him in the bar. Then when the bartender delivers the drink, Bond criticizes that he used a potato vodka instead of a grain one, and we’re supposed to believe the bartender appreciates Bond’s refined tastes. I think the bartender appreciates that Bond can’t tell potato vodka from urine.
Secondly, Bond’s famed skill with women isn’t exactly what I thought it would be. His seduction techniques involve carafes of vodka before dinner, champagne during dinner, and cocktails afterwards. Oh, but that’s nothing compared to his charm. Like when he’s anticipating sex with the agent he has made gloriously drunk. Up until then, she seemed cold, but with each meeting she revealed a little more about herself. Her reluctance excites Bond, and he expects that every time they have sex it will have, and I quote, “the sweet tang of rape.” Read that five or six more times. I didn’t misspell anything.
Didn’t the astronauts drink Tang? Did they get the Rape flavor, or just Orange?
When you see a quote that really touches you (whether or not you wanted it to), it’s important to share it. That’s why, with all the romance you have come to expect from me, the first thing I did after I read that sentence five times (to make sure I got the wording just right) was I called Wonder Woman and lovingly told her to prepare herself for the aforementioned sweet, sweet tang.
I wonder if that’s going in the movie?
It occurred to me some time ago that if the KGB, or any supervillian, really wanted to get rid of 007, all they would need to do is hire 1 hot chick with AIDS.
“The sweet tang of rape” is the 1st thing I have herd about Casino Royal that has made me want to see the new movie. I really hope that it is in there, bu I won’t get my hopes up.
My prediction is that the 007 movie will take a que from the marketing department that brought us Canola Oil. For those of you not familiar with this marketing switcheroo I will explain. Canola oil comes from the rapeseed plant. Canola oil, before its repackaing used to be called Rape Seed Oil, also know as “what the fuck?!”
So they changed the name.
I suspect James Bond imagining his conquests with Ms. Hottie McHot Hot (who will be dangerously close to an alcohol overdose) to resemble the sweet tang of Canola Oil. (This of course will be brough to you by a nice little product placement fee, courtesy of Monsanto.)
You heard it here first.
Golden Eye for Nintendo 64 is all I need from the James Bond series.
I used to love Tang. My grandparents always gave it to us when we went to visit them. Now, Tang doesn’t seem to have that same sweet tang to it anymore.
As one of the legal stewards of the Bond catalogue, I encourage you to view the original “Casino Royale” (1967), a COMEDY with David Niven as James Bond, Peter Sellers as a Bond imposter, and Woody Allen (yes, you heard me) as James Bond’s incompetent nephew Jimmy. Soundtrack by Burt Bacharach and Herb Alpert. Apparently, Columbia was trying to give Bond the “Austin Powers” treatment 5 years into the franchise, failing spectacularly.
Adding insult to injury: I don’t even think they kept the “tang” reference in…
z, i think you misunderstand. “sweet tang of rape” is actually the code name for Doc Johnson’s Oral Play Lubricant in the Fuzzy Navel flavor. the ladies weren’t drunk, they were overpowered by sexual desire and bond’s copious use of lube.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000FTVCUS/qid=1151721478/sr=1-37/ref=sr_1_37/103-1364873-2599811?%5Fencoding=UTF8&s=hpc&v=glance&n=3760901
Speaking of product placement…