Today in mysoginy: jumping through hoops
Published July 5th, 2006 in A day in the lifeI read an interesting article today about how to train your spouse using the same techniques animal trainers use to teach dolphins to steal your wallet. The article was written by a woman, who used her ultimate power to train her husband not to get angry when he loses his keys, which is about as useful as a left-footed dog. Oh wait, she also trained him not to stand around the kitchen while she’s cooking. First of all, if he’s anything like me, he’s standing there ‘cause she’s doing it wrong. Second of all, she obviously hadn’t tried brandishing a knife and asking, “do you want to get the hell out of the kitchen?” Remember: the only reason negative reinforcement doesn’t work on dogs is because they don’t speak English.
I read the article with the distinct impression that if I’m going to invest that much time, I’d rather have a baboon that knows how to make a Manhattan. But that got me thinking about Wonder Woman’s behaviors, and which ones I’d like to enhance, and which I’d like to train out of her. Sure, the obvious ones come to mind, such as a “blowjob” command and a “dishes” command and a “get the hell off my side of the bed; your ass is like a hotplate” command, but I like to think I’m more creative than Archie Bunker.
So here are four scenes to demonstrate how I will use these techniques in my relationship.
The technique: incompatible behavior (Trainers train the animals to perform a behavior that could not be performed at the same time as an undesirable behavior. In the article, the author provides a bowl of salsa outside of the kitchen to keep her husband from hanging around. This works because her husband’s too goddamn dumb to carry the bowl into the kitchen with him.)
Scene #1: Me and WW are renting a movie, when WW begins to head for wherever they keep movies starring Reese Witherspoon.
Z: Hey babe? Can you hold this six baby geese? I don’t want them to get hurt.
WW: …Sure, I guess. Can you grab one of those copies of Legally Blond-
Z: Hey, The Great Escape!
The technique: rewarding a desirable behavior
Scene #2: Me and WW have just eaten a lavish sushi dinner. The waiter drops off the bill.
Wonder Woman: I’ll pick this one up, Z.
Z: Here is a gift certificate for one free download from iTunes.
The technique: Least Reinforcing Syndrome (This is when trainers ignore negative behaviors, waiting instead for a good behavior to reward.)
Scene #3: Me and WW watching Chappelle’s Show.
WW: What’s amazing about Dave Chappelle is how he flaunts the racial sterotypes so many of us have but are afraid to….
Z: (blankly staring)
WW: He’s really at the forefront of contemporary hum…or…..
Z: (still blankly staring)
WW: “I’m rich, biotch!”
Z: I love you, babe.
And for my final scene, I’d like to show how these techniques can be combined.
Scene #4: Me and WW are walking down a crowded street. An attractive girl walks by.
WW: You probably thought she was cute.
Z: (blankly staring)
Another attractive girl walks by.
WW: Now, she was pretty.
Z: Not as pretty as you. (Hands WW a cupcake)
Another attractive girl walks by.
WW: If I was going to sleep with a girl, I’d probably pick one like that.
Z: I’ve been meaning to give you this fifteen dollar gift certificate to the Body Shop.
Another attractive girl walks by.
WW: Let’s have a threesome with her.
Z: Here’s my credit card. And yes.
An attractive guy walks by.
WW: On second thought, let’s have a threesome with him.
Z: (blankly staring while calling to cancel credit card)
Note: I know the idea of a “threesome” command is just as obvious as a “blowjob” command. I don’t care. It’d be sweet.
I see a book idea in this update.
On second thought, a book and television show in this update.
In response to Z’s post, here are four scenes to demonstrate how I will use these techniques in our relationship.
The technique: incompatible behavior (Trainers train the animals to perform a behavior that could not be performed at the same time as an undesirable behavior.)
Scene #1: Z and I are renting a movie, when Z begins to head for wherever they keep movies starring Bill Murray.
WW: Hey babe? Can you hold these eleven aging llamas? I don’t want them to get hurt.
Z: …Sure, I guess. Can you grab one of those copies of Groundhog Day/Ghostbusters/Stripes…
WW: Hey, When Harry Met Sally!
The technique: rewarding a desirable behavior
Scene #2: Z and I have just eaten a lavish Tex-Mex dinner. The waiter drops off the bill.
Z: I’ll pick this one up, WW.
WW: Really? Sooo sweet. Here’s a free mint (which benefits WW too, since Z just ate a ton of onions).
The technique: Least Reinforcing Syndrome (This is when trainers ignore negative behaviors, waiting instead for a good behavior to reward.)
Scene #3: Z and I watching Chappelle’s Show.
Z: “I’m rich, biotch!”
WW: (blankly staring)
Z: (a little louder, since WW didn’t laugh the first time) “I’m rich, biotch!”
WW: (still blankly staring)
Z: No really. I won the NY Lotto last night. “I’m rich, biotch!”
WW: I love you, babe.
And for my final scene, I’d like to show how these techniques can be combined.
Scene #4: Z and I are walking down a crowded street in Soho. A hot, male model with sexy-with-rock-hard abs-and-biceps (but I digress) walks by.
Z: You probably thought he was cute.
WW: (blankly staring)
Another, equally mouth-watering guy walks by, this time in a tight tee shirt.
Z: Now, he was hot.
WW: Not as hot as you. (WW hands Z a cupcake)
Amazingly, yet another attractive guy walks by.
Z: If I was going to sleep with a guy, I’d probably pick one like that.
WW: I’ve been meaning to learn how to play Magic with you, Z.
Another attractive guy walks by, a little hot and sweaty from the midday heat.
Z: Let’s have a threesome with him. Look at his guns!
WW: Wow, Z. I thought you’d NEVER agree! (hands Z a wad of cash to buy a stack of comic books)
An attractive girl walks by.
Z: On second thought, let’s have a threesome with her.
WW: (blankly staring while relieved that she merely handed Z play Monopoly money and equally pleased that she snagged Z’s credit card at the restaurant earlier)
Dear WW,
First of all, Bill Murray would bury Reese Witherspoon. (First of all addendum: “eleven aging llamas”?? Are we doing a Madlib? It reminded me of that terrible Christmas when my true love gave me five moldy things and a pigeon in a fig-tree.)
Second of all, there has never been and will never be such a thing as a “lavish Tex-Mex dinner”.
Third of all, anyone who knows me knows that if no one’s laughing, I will repeat a joke AT LEAST three more times or until someone says, “Give it up, dude.”
Lastly, I think you’ve overestimated how important it is for me that you learn to play Magic.
BTW, GQ, if I ever do write a book, I feel like I owe you a place in the dedications.
I am amused by the repeated imagery of the aspiring writer giving the aspiring lawyer use of a credit card….
Z; let me write the prologue and we are golden.
ww is funny too. go ww.
I found these articles to be extremely useful! I thank you so much for such a forum for research.
Thanks Again!