Underpants in Literature: more James Bond
Published July 12th, 2006 in MiscellaneousNot too long ago, I put up a post about James Bond. After reading my first Bond book, I was surprised when he wasn’t exactly the Lothario I had been led to believe he was. In fact, when I picked up my next 007 book, Live and Let Die, I was dying to see what could possibly follow “the sweet tang of rape.”
Unfortunately, the woman in Live and Let Die actually wants to sleep with him. She wants to sleep with him from the very moment she sees him, despite the fact that she has refused every other man for her entire life. Apparently she’s already had a glass of Bond’s special “Statutory Kool-Aid.”
Even more odd, Bond swears he can’t have sex because the bad guys broke the pinky of his left hand, which makes me suspect he’s doing it wrong. I once had an extremely painful infection in my testicle (don’t worry ladies, I’m clean) and still managed a couple rounds of ass-tapping. (Or maybe I’m just that good. Who’s to say?) Though when I think about it more, I realize that Bond’s particular brand of sex might involve a large number of restraints, which would be difficult to manage with a broken pinky. It all makes sense now.
In any event, Live and Let Die wasn’t without a shock or two of its own. There’s nothing like the moment when you’re sitting on a downtown subway car during rush hour and turn the page to reveal a chapter titled “[N-word] Heaven”. Good times. If anyone confronted me, I figured I would calmly explain to them that I had no idea that chapter was in there, and I was just reading it because I was hoping there’d be a funny rape quote – oh dear.
So there you have it. James Bond: raper of women, plunderer of race relations. I can’t wait for the next 007 novel, if only because I can’t imagine what offensive thing James Bond will have to do next in the fight against communism. Maybe burn down a church or club some seals.
Noodle Heaven
I put my money on him going after the Jews next. Or is that too obvious?
For some reason, my mind keeps replaying Sean Connery’s quote from “The Untouchables”: “Always leave it to a wop to bring a knife to a gun fight…”
I lost most of my high school years to James Bond.
Proximity mines were always a bitch.
Proximity mines were the weapons of cowards and children. Unfortunately I was terrible with the grenade launcher too. But I was downright evil with handguns.
Oh yeah, Bakturka…lsaks…tlasky or whatever your name is, in the first book I read Bond interviews a guy at the casino, but only note he writes down is ‘Jew’. No one asked him about it, but if they had I’m sure his response would be, (slurred due to his bucket o’ vodka) “it tells you all you need to know, doesn’t it?”
Diclaimer 1: thunder lizard, don’t read anymore if you don’t want the Lost spoiler
Disclaimer 2: I know this has no place being under this posting but no one would read it otherwise. Also note that I have not even finished the first season of Lost so don’t spoil it for me. I mean you Big Brother or whatever you call yourself! But I have to vent here. I can’t believe they killed my favorite eye candy Boon! I mean, they set up this story line with a brother who wants to bone (and I think has) his sister and might at any point in time fly off the handle at the Indian masquerading as a towel head (Boon’s thinking, not mine) who’s got his hands all over his sister and then it all gets shot to shit by them killing him off!?! This was like the best of Jerry Springer and Us rolled into one and its gone. I feel so betrayed and abandoned…
I hate to break ito to you, Bucket, but Lost will continue to betray and abandon you, and you will just keep going back.
FYI, I recently interviewed the screenwriters of CASINO ROYALE, a very nice pair of blokes. But strangely enough? In all the elements they listed as having been challenges to update, not one mention of the sweet tang of rape.
Maybe that will be in the deleted scenes on the DVD. Hell, I’d make that the title of one of the featurettes.
What’s to update? As far as I know, there have been no technological innovations in either rape or Tang. That turn of phrase is pretty timeless.
Yes, but Tang didn’t want to pony up the product-placement fees. Now it’s “the sweet Hawaiian Punch of rape.”
Which actually kind of works, now that I think about it.
I believe I just chortled.
Those commercials from my childhood where Kool-Aid Man busts through people’s walls just went to a very dark place in my head.
“Oh yeah!”