Learning is fun
Published July 17th, 2006 in A day in the lifeWhile most of my Brooklyn friends spent the weekend at barbeques, drinking beer and commenting on their inner thigh sweat, one of my female friends was learning how to use a strap-on from a class. Apparently she has decided to take up lesbianology, God bless her, and understandably she doesn’t want to be all amateur-hour when she comes face-to-crotch with her very first (someone else’s) vagina.
I applaud the effort, but frankly, I’m more curious to find out how someone comes up with an hour and a half lecture on how to use a strap-on. Are there any other products where the title is the instruction manual? It’s like if we started calling forks “stab-and-eats”.
In a few weeks she’ll be taking a Cunnilingus class, which would have saved me a lot of anxiety if I could have taken it in college. My friend even invited me to take it with her, and while I’m good at the ol’ ugly-bumping and all the pre-requisite activities that go along with it, I’m not LESBIAN good. Besides, no matter what a guy may tell you, going down on a girl is like trying to break into a safe where the combination changes every ten minutes. I’ll take every advantage I can get.
Plus, if I take the class then I can tell Wonder Woman that I’ve spent both time and money in the pursuit of her orgasms, and that’s gotta be worth a grilled cheese and a blowjob.
But I’m an impatient man; I want my grilled cheese and blowjob NOW, so I thought I’d let Wonder Woman know now what I plan on doing for her in the future. She laughed it off, and told me she was fine with it as long as I didn’t catch anything from whomever I was practicing on.
“…WHAT????”
“I don’t want you getting any nasty diseases from whomever you’re going to be practicing on. I don’t know where they’ve been.”
I could hear opportunity knocking, but unfortunately, I’m not good at thinking quickly when I get surprised, so rather than shut my mouth, hang up the phone and go on an educational oral sex rampage, I start clarifying like I’m arguing in front of the Supreme Court.
“So I can go down on girls as long as it’s a learning experience? Can I have sex with them too?…Y’know, so I don’t get rusty?”
It was honorable of Wonder Woman that, rather than back down and recognize she hadn’t exactly thought things through, she tried to press on by setting up a series of qualifications she thought I could never reach.
“You have to be graded.”
“No problem.”
“And everyone has to pay tuition.”
“Deal.”
(Here Wonder Woman obviously starts to realize who she’s dealing with.) “Real tuition; not hooker fees.”
“Gotcha. Love you. Bye.” And I hung up the phone. She has since said she was joking around, but that’s total bullshit. And if she thinks I can’t find people to pay “tuition” to grade me having sex for educational purposes, then she hasn’t heard of Craigslist.
Was your best post ever you covered all of my favorite subjects: lesbians, blow jobs, Craigslist, and grilled cheese.
I think wonderwoman needs to know that her friends that we met up with that night (minus Bakatersky, who is not a reasonable person) both agreed that it would be ok for you to practice on other girls.
PS I like to put a little grey poupon and worchestershire in my grilled cheese.
All I had was the Sears Catalog.
One of your best posts yet. It is right up there with Dry Humping Your Supermodels and the Drunken Monkey story. Laughing so much, you just got yourself another reader and I just got a date for tonight from the man at the computer sitting next to me. We both win! Thanks z!
WW - You need better qualifiers for this “practicing” business. Graded and paying don’t cut it. It should be in a classroom setting (that does NOT involve schoolgirls), there needs to be a credentialed instructor (I’d ask for a copy of their CV and syllabus for the course. You don’t want him going to the ITTech of Cunnilingus.), and all female participants MUST be lesbians - none of this bisexual business.
And since you have such a boyfriend so concerned about your orgasms, now would be the time to start bargaining on soooooo many other levels. You now “have the key to One-Eyed Willie.” (What movie?)
First of all, Goonies, right?
Second of all, how does me wanting to give my girlfriend more, better orgasms give her bargaining leverage? That makes no sense.
Z is right on both points.
Are you kidding? “What is good for the goose, is good for the gander.” (or in this case vice-verca.)
I’m assuming WW is as concerned about your orgasms as you are about her’s. She may not be interested in going on a blowjob-and-grilled-cheese-handing-out rampage of NY in the name of sexual science, but I bet there is something she’d be willing to research. All I’m saying is - one night after one of your classes with the lesbians would be a great time for her to introduce her very own research proposal.
It is most certainly NOT good for the Wonder Goose. See, here’s an apparent difference between me and her: Wonder Woman says to me, “Z, I’m gonna take a beej class,” I say, “Awesome, provided you don’t practice on anything more animate than a cucumber.” Never ever ever do I say “Great, don’t catch anything.”
Now, if she were to want to take a cunnilingus class, well, that’s a different matter entirely, isn’t it?
Y’know, I saw a class like this featured on “Real Sex” a few years back (yes, Robbb watches soft porn on cable. Honestly, how much of a surprise was that?). It was taught at Toys in Babeland in Seattle by a king-sized bull dyke, and the class was full of creepy middle-aged people. Everybody got latex vag toys to practice on, and I believe that one lucky volunteer got to practice on the bull dyke’s assistant, another king-sized bull dyke, with all the creepy middle-aged students watching.
Z, I hope you’re not bargaining too many things away to participate in something like this.
In a slightly different direction, I also saw a really funny episode of Real Sex a few years back. But it was a class for couples were the women were not having enough fun. The first lesson was that the women had to strap-on a strap-on, lay on their knees and forarms, and repeatedly get their brightly-colored enhancements into a circle about 2-3 inches in diameter (pretty damned big target) for 2 mintues straight. Needless to say most of the women failed miserably.
wow, small world. my future brother in law’s sister used to work at toys in babeland in seattle. kismet.