Underpants On The Outside

I work in an office where most of our business deals with women’s magazines. Today, I had a little free time and was flipping through Glamour magazine, which has a feature called “Ask Jake”, where women write in with questions to get the guy’s perspective. But his answers are like most chick-flicks: bland and predictable with only a slight resemblance to reality. Compare my answers to his…

If a guy doesn’t call or email for a few days after a great first date, does that mean he’s lost interest, or is he trying to play it cool? Should I just call him?

Jake’s answer: Relax. Wait a week, then call him and invite him out with your friends.

Z’s answer: There are god-know’s how many women’s magazines, that have been published TWELVE TIMES A YEAR for DECADES. Nora Ephron has written ten movies. There were six seasons of Sex and the City. Are you telling me that women still aren’t clear on this?

Here’s my prediction. A year from now they’ll be out on a date, and she’ll think it’s time to bring it up. She’ll say “y’know, when we first started dating, you didn’t call me for days. I was so worried you weren’t that into me.” And y’know what he’s going to say? “I’m pretty sure I was busy putting up shelves that weekend. Mike also came over to play Halo. I remember because every time I killed him I’d yell ‘I just nailed you like that girl last night!’”

In other words, he’s probably not calling you because he’s doing something else. Or he’s been involved in a terrible car accident, so you should probably call him and tell him how worried you were. We used to love it when our moms did that. I swear.

Now can someone please tell me why women always date guys who are assholes?

I’m not that attracted to my boyfriend, but I’m trying to overlook it because he’s so sweet and loving. Am I being fair?

Jake’s answer: Sooner or later he’ll realize you’re not really attracted to him and it will hurt his feelings.

Z’s answer: Yeah, right! If that were true, prostitution wouldn’t be such a growth industry. Billy Joel never moped around the house saying “Christie Brinkley isn’t attracted to my body. Woe is me.” Instead, he was running around, naked, fat, short and hairy, shouting, “I just humped Christie Brinkley! I don’t have to ever sing another high-pitched song again! Take that, Uptown Girl!” In fact, he was probably skipping like a school girl. I know I would be.

What do women do that’s a deal breaker for guys in bed?

Jake’s answer: Don’t talk to me, and don’t make faces when you go down on me. (I’m paraphrasing, but that’s pretty much what he says. Honest.)

Z’s answer: I’m actually with Jake on this one. Oh yeah. One more thing. Don’t punch the guy in the face unless he asks for it. I’m speaking from experience.

If a guy doesn’t want to cuddle after sex, is he not that into you?

Jake’s answer: It’s probably fine. Sometimes I need a little me-time, though I quickly go back to not being able to keep my hands off her.

Z’s answer: “Jake” is right, though there’s no way a guy wrote that because it’s not “me-time”. ln all likelihood the guy’s hungry, sleepy or sweaty from all that humping. Actually, he’s probably all three. I can love my girlfriend at the same time that I’m shouting, “God damn, woman! It’s hot! Quit touching me! Go over there. Farther. Farther. Never mind, I’m going to get a sandwich.”

My fiance dumped me for a pretty but totally ditzy woman. Can a smart man really be satisfied by a woman’s looks alone?

Jake’s answer: Not in the long term.

Z’s answer: Sure, as long has he’s got two or three other friends, particularly if they compliment him on how hot his girlfriend is. Also, this woman is probably “ditzy” for the same reasons that the chicks on TV that I think are hot are all “bitchy” according to WW.

When a man tells me that he’s not ready for a commitment, what does that really mean?

Jake’s answer: He might really need more time to get used to a long-term relationship, but he’s probably thinking of dumping you.

Z’s answer: Why don’t you shut your pie-hole, Jake!? Maybe the guy is only twenty-seven! Maybe he’s not ready to start a family! Maybe he loves his girlfriend, but doesn’t want to lock himself into anything in case some Victoria’s Secret model wants to sleep with him because she’s such a fan of his humor blog, UnderpantsOnTheOutside.com!

A couple of times I’ve drunk dialed this new guy I’m dating and it led to great sex. My friends say I need to stop doing this or he’ll lose respect. But he seems to love it. Should I really stop?

Jake’s answer: No, as long as you’re seeing each other sober as well.

Z’s answer: I’m pretty sure your “friends” are either “your mom”, or they have no idea what they are talking about. If there are guys out there who by word or deed are somehow discouraging girls from this behavior, I hope I have the opportunity to one day meet them. So I can punch the shit out of them.

Say a guy is dying to get a girl in bed, but when he does, he finds out that her body isn’t that great, after all. Does he care? Or am I just being self-conscious?

Jake’s answer: Except for a few extreme cases involving tattoos or insane armpit hair (his examples) you’re just being self-conscious.

Z’s answer: I really think that grammatically it should be, “Does he care, or am I just being self-conscious?” That aside, let me put it this way: do you care that he doesn’t have a six-pack? Of course you do.

Wait, you really don’t??? Oh. Then, uh, we don’t care either.

What’s the number one thing a woman can do on a date that will turn a guy on?

Jake’s answer: Talk to me about sex.

Z’s answer: I’m confused: is actually having sex not an option? Are bj’s off the table too? In that case, I’ll go with “Play Magic: The Gathering.” It’s certainly a helluva lot better than a handjob.

Just to let you know, Glamour Magazine, I’m available for freelance work.