Going Back to the Bottom of the Box
Published September 12th, 2006 in MiscellaneousIt isn’t just kids who like getting free shit, but for some reason, once you stop buying breakfast cereals made of cookies and marshmallows the only thing at the bottom of the box is ground up cereal. On the other hand, there’re a lot of things I’d like better than those plastic toys I used to get when I was a kid. They may have been manufactured by underage laborers in sweatshop conditions, but that really doesn’t excuse the fact that they sucked. That’s why I’ve compiled the following list of things I wish came in today’s cereal boxes:
Razor blades: Those things are expensive and I hate having to buy them. Who wouldn’t be happy to find some Mach 4s in their breakfast? I see no reason why this wouldn’t also work with Halloween candy.
Condoms: Also expensive, and I always seem to run out at the wrong time. Wouldn’t it be great if I could say, “relax, baby, I got a box of Lucky Charms in the kitchen”? The condoms wouldn’t even need to be wrapped; the crumbs might be uncomfortable at first, but it will be worth it when I can go around telling the ladies that I’m “magically delicious.”
Immodium AD: I love cereal but I’m lactose intolerant. Now we’re selling the solution with the problem, like peanut butter and jelly in the same jar.
An AOL CD: They’re nearly impossible to find. I’ve been looking EVERYWHERE.
Rolling papers: Uh…no particular reason, but I’m thinking these would come in handy when I’m in the mood for cereal.
At upwards of $5 per box, I’m hoping (or even expecting) to come across jewels–no fake stuff, I mean diamonds and gold–at the bottom of my cereal box. Nevermind potential liability when someone breaks a tooth on a tennis bracelet. It’s worth it. I’ll buy Cocopuffs from now on just for the CHANCE of getting some free bling with my breakfast. And while diamonds are mined by young laborers under dangerous conditions in Africa, at least jewels beat plastic toys by a mile.
That just goes to show some differences between men and women… z is hoping for something practical, each of those things is useful. Even the AOL CD is useful if you want to scare away pigeons (just hang them on strings outside your window, it works on boats) or for that emergency drink coaster. WW on the other hand wants jewelry. Totally useless shiny rocks that one hangs on their body.
This isn’t a criticism, just illustrating an example of how we think differently.
(”but honey, you always complain about having to do dishes, so I bought you a dishwasher for your birthday”)
I send the AOL cd over to the machine shop and have them turn it into a chinese star. Why? Because you never know.