Underpants On The Outside

Tomorrow is the season premiere of Lost, and we’re very excited around the apartment.  I know there are an endless number of websites out there trying to predict what WILL happen in the upcoming episodes, but I took a different approach…

Six Unlikely Plot Twists for the New Season of Lost

1) It turns out the first two seasons have been a hallucination brought on by Charlie’s heroin withdrawal.  In fact, he has merely been wandering around the Bronx Zoo after closing time.  While it does a lot to explain the polar bear, the janitorial staff won’t appreciate the mess he’s made of his “hatch” in the men’s room.

2) The island is discovered by a luxury cruise ship that has wandered off course.  The castaways enjoy the ship’s onboard rock climbing wall, driving range and nightclubs, but politely refuse a ride back to civilization because the ship is too “touristy”, and they prefer the authentic feel of the island.  Weeks later, the castaways are all struck with similar stomach flu symptoms.

3) Jealous for her affections, Jack and Sawyer convince Kate to play a game of “Spin the Bottle”.  Unfortunately, the island’s unpredictable electromagnetic field causes the bottle to only point towards Jack or Sawyer, no matter where they sit or how the bottle is spun.  Kate excuses herself awkwardly, and after several minutes of uncomfortable silence, Jack defuses the tension by shooting Sawyer in the thigh.  

4) A lawyer representing the mysterious group of inhabitants known as “The Others” sends a scathing cease-and-desist memo to the castaways.   The letter claims that the term “Others” is discriminatory.

5) In an astonishing revelation, Joon, one of the two Korean lead characters, admits that he is actually half Korean and half Japanese.  This should not change how the other islanders perceive him, so he is justifiably insulted by the way they keep bringing him handfuls of palm fronds and seashells and asking if he will make some wristwatches.

6) Using the mysterious outdated computer technology found on the island, the castaways manage to connect to the Internet, only to arrange their rescue through a conspicuous combination of Yahoo! services, including the search engine, map viewer, and free email accounts.  The show is finally revealed to be nothing more than an innovative advertising campaign introducing Yahoo!’s new slogan, “Whatever you may have ‘Lost’, you can always find it on Yahoo!”