Underpants On The Outside

Lost has a habit of setting up dozens of mind-boggling mysteries and solving NONE of them. My friend Jordan, whose use of imagery is nothing short of genius, describes the experience of watching the show as frustrating as “Dry Humping a Supermodel”.

For the most part, last night was a dud in terms of supermodels and dry-humping.  It was more of an adventure tale, and for the first fifty minutes the only moment of intrigue was when Kevin Spacey found out that the other castaways had a boat.  Suddenly he seemed concerned that their island suburbia would be found, and it became the number one priority that they capture the boat.

I’ll admit; I was curious why the Others would seem so concerned.  After all, they’re the ones with houses, food, an amusement park, a shitload of guns and tasers; that’s like me hiding from a platoon of kittens.  But that’s the thing about talking to supermodels; it’s easy to read too much into what they’re saying.  The next time you hear a supermodel say, “It’s really important that I go out with you,” take a second to make sure she didn’t actually say, “It’s really important that I go out with (a guy with a great sense of humor, like) you, (but taller.)”  Kevin Spacey probably just said, “I want that boat…because the weather is supposed to be great for sailing this weekend.”

And yeah, everything goes down just about how we all imagined, because the castaways are like the Washington Generals.  But even the Generals score a basket or two, and one of the Others gets gutshot in the boat-jacking.  And it’s a girl.  I get the feeling we’re in that moment right before Bruce Lee tastes his own blood and goes batshit-insane.  Hell hath no fury like a woman, and that’s just when she’s scorned.  The castaways better PRAY she doesn’t survive this. 

Back at the zoo, the Others have Sawyer and Kate breaking rocks, but it’s not really clear why. Usually slavery has some kind of point, so I can’t tell if the Others are just dickheads or if there is some larger metaphor I’m missing, like in that book where the pigs could talk to the horses.  Maybe if I paid attention in history class I’d realize that the island is about colonization or the war of 1812.  All I know is that from all this talk of dry-humping and history class, this supermodel is starting to look like Ms. Hipolito from junior year, who I definitely would have liked the LeTourneau treatment from.

The real surprise came ten minutes from the end, when Kevin Spacey came in to talk to Jack in the dolphin interrogation center.  He introduced himself, mentioned that he had spent his entire life on the island, and then he told Jack that they still were in contact with the outside world; that George Bush was reelected and the Red Sox won the World Series.  At this last bit, Jack’s skepticism was cute but predictable, but Kevin Spacey had a television rolled in and played a tape of the broadc- wait, WHAT??? You’ve been on this island your ENTIRE LIFE!??  How?  Why?  Have you really worn nothing but khaki that entire time???  In one sentence I went from healthy skepticism to spending a week’s pay buying Professor McSupermodel  drinks.  Damn it!

As we all knew would happen, Kevin Spacey swears to Jack (and by extension the viewers at home) that if he “is patient”, and “cooperates”, and “does what he is asked”, then “when the time is right”, he will let Jack “go home”. 

Go back and read that last sentence.  Now exchange “go home” for “…you-know-what”, and what you get is exactly the conversation a supermodel gives you when she’s telling you she wants to save it for marriage.  And I’m filled with the same sense of dread knowing that not only am I in this thing for the long-haul, but even when I reach my goal it will be a) anti-climactic and b) probably awful.