Underpants On The Outside

I’m still tied up with work these days, so I’m gonna turn the humor over to a buddy of mine. A few days ago, he sent me this IM conversation. It starts with a conversation about earthquake safety, and ends up…well, you just need to read it for yourself.

AR: according to what im reading you’re supposed to have 3 days worth of shit for an earthquake
AR: for example, during the loma prieta quake, 12,000 people were cut off from stuff for a few days
EG: like food and water
AR: yeah
AR: first aid crap
AR: flashlights
AR: batteries
AR: radio
EG: how about for a nuclear explosion
AR: im gonna get some weapons too
EG: how much do you need for that
AR: in case of a nuclear explosion i think you have other things to worry about
EG: or how about for a virus outbreak
EG: maybe a week for that?
AR: hah
EG: all you need is one thing
AR: whast that?
EG: a satellite phone to call in jack bauer
EG: then you are set
AR: yes, they reccomend you keep a list of important phone numbers
AR: #2 will be J. Bauer
AR: 310 555 1205
AR: he says it in season 4
AR: #1 is Jesus, naturally
EG: wow
EG: I can’t believe you put jesus above JB
EG: JC vs. JB
EG: I think JB takes him
AR: how?
EG: but only through deceit
AR: no way man
EG: he pretends to convert
EG: and then betrays him, judas style
EG: BLAM
AR: even if Jesus gets killed, he can come back from the dead and karate chop Jack Bauer
EG: just like he’s gonna do the salazars
AR: plus JC can always call in back up in the form of God
AR: who can JB call?
AR: Almeida?
AR: pshhhhh
AR: weak sauce
EG: JB doesn’t NEED backup
AR: compared to the Lord
EG: that just shows how weak JC is
EG: and where was his fuckin backup when his ass was pinned to a cross
EG: god wasn’t so johnny on the spot for that one, eh?
AR: hahah
AR: well Christ did come back from the dead one time, and so did Jack Bauer, in season 2
AR: but still, you have to admit that Jesus is less of a cream puff than Jack
AR: Bauer cries out in pain, whines about his wife, worried about his kid, etc
AR: a big softie
AR: Jesus only let his guard down one time
AR: and even after that
AR: he went to hell for 3 days
AR: and came back
AR: to TAKE OUT THE TRASH
EG: jesus talks a good game, but revelations hasn’t happened yet
EG: I’ll believe it when I see it
AR: shows how ignant you are
AR: jesus didn’t write those revelations
AR: Jesus doesn’t waste tim writing things down
AR: he says them
AR: and then slabangs some ho’s
EG: except JC doesn’t slabang ANYONE
EG: and JB is slabanging chicks all over the place
EG: he slabanged Claudia right under hector’s nose
EG: that takes balls
EG: and then he was gonna kill his own partner
EG: just to avoid blowing his cover
AR: we both knor that JC was slabanging mary magdelene all the damn time
AR: and i’ve seen nipple slips of her on the internet
AR: and she is hot
EG: pffff
EG: ONE chick
AR: that we KNOW OF
EG: hahaha
AR: there could be all sorts of aramaic trim we don’t know about
AR: it was a long time ago man
AR: and mary magdelene
AR: she was kind of a freak …
AR: probably got some holy trinity action if you know what i mean
AR: Hole-y Trinity action
EG: which means JC probably had the herp
EG: and he would have the hiv if it existed back then
EG: JB plays it safe
AR: if there is one JB does NOT do
AR: it is play anything safe
EG: he always uses protection
EG: in the form of a GUN
AR: hahaha

All in all, I’m going to have to say that my favorite part is the use of the word ‘slabang’, a word I seriously intend to incorporate into my vocabulary. Not to mention my sexual repertoire.