My Heartfelt Gratitude
Published November 21st, 2006 in A day in the lifeEver since I moved to New York I haven’t been able to be with my family on Thanksgiving, which means I usually end up tagging along to a friend’s house. Well last year was a culinary disaster involving a vegetarian, a vegan and a lactose intolerant, which sounds like the setup of a fat camp joke. The meal was nothing more than a turkey and a bunch of sides made of one part raisins, ten parts awful. Me and Wonder Woman ended up leaving hungry, and the next morning, in a fit of rage and with an alarming usage of the word ‘cocksucker’, I decided to make my own belated Thanksgiving. It was quite a success, so much so that I decided to try and make it an annual tradition - Thanksgiving Two: Electric Boogaloo.
This year I was reminded of the way my mom used to always stand up at some point during the meal and say a little speech of all the things she was thankful for. Now, this is just the rough draft, but here’s a list of things I’m thinking of mentioning:
My great job – gin doesn’t buy itself.
What’s-her-face
My enormous penis – no explanation necessary, though I doubt I’m the only one person who’s happy about it. (see above)
The healthy knees of [name removed for anti-jinx purposes], who has carried my fantasy football team all year long.
Tato Skins, Sour Cream and Onion Flavor
Grilled Cheese Sandwiches and Blowjobs (not necessarily in that order)
Batman
Jack Bauer – who has saved my life six times…that I know about.
My Family and Friends
I’m pretty sure that’s everything.
you should turnthe list into a top ten and deliver it with drum rolls. this allows for extra zingers and the addition of a creepy bald guy who the rest of the tables attention will be directed to in between each.
you should also be thankful for the great literary devices your friends have come up with, although, I claim that you are using “electic boogaloo” incorrectly.
As everyone knows, Breakin’ was an awesome movie. Big pieces of cardboard and parachute pants were fought over like the Playstation 3s of today. Breakin’ 2 Electric Boogaloo however, not so good, it didn’t even have Spider in it. So, when I initially began characterizing things as “****** 2, electric boogaloo” it was intended to imply that something is a half ass attempt to capitalize on the success of the original. I don’t think Thanksgiving 2 electric boogaloo is appropriate in this instance for 2 reasons.
1. The first one probably wasn’t that good. I didn’t have any, and you’re generally a competent cook, but this was your first Thanksgiving effort, so you probably got all your instructions from Big Bro. Now, he’s a good cook too, but this basically makes you the last person to hear the message in a big game of Thanksgiving-Telephone. Also, I’m guessing that you let your creativity get the better of you at some point. Your creativity manifests itself beautifully here on this blog, but I’m surmising that it may have manifested itself not-so-beautifully on Thanksgiving, perhaps in the form of super-garlicy-stuffing or maybe a cinamon based poultry rub.
2. The second one will be better than first. You’re making a tradition of it, so more people, preparation, and effort will be involved this time. Also, the actual food will be better, now that you’re no longer a rookie.
In conclusion, I think “Thanksgiving 2: Judgement Day”, “Thanksgivings”, or even “Episode V: The Zach Strikes Bach” would be more appropriate.
Sure, but electic boogaloo sounds more sassy. And if you are going to be giving thanks for your enormous penis, blowjobs, and Batman you need a little bit more Sass’ in your Frass.
“This Ain’t Yo Momma’s Thanksgiving” also has a nice ring to it.