What a Difference a Day Makes: 24 Little Hours
Published January 22nd, 2007 in 24, TelevisionI’m a big fan of 24. Sure, the story is good, but I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I’m going to compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.
Jack’s day, 9 – 10 AM: Jack’s nine o’clock hour starts with pseudo-Jack and Curtis bickering like high school girls. (Example: Jack II at one point says “we” referring to all of them, and Curtis snaps “There is no we. There’s us and you.”) The whole scene reminds me of every single episode of “Change of Heart.” Then I try and imagine what it would be like to fight terrorism with my girlfriend on one side and another girl I just took on a date on the other side, and I bet Jack is trying to remember what was so bad about Chinese prison.
9:06: Curtis has the audacity to question Jack’s wisdom, asking “what did the Chinese do to you?” Justifiably, Jack charges up and asks him straight out, “Is there something you need to tell me?” If there is anything, I’d recommend that Curtis tell him. Other than asking, Jack only knows one way of obtaining information. It rhymes with “Smorture.”
Jack II interrupts by informing them that there is evidence that the terrorists have a suitcase nuke. You can almost hear Jack’s sigh of relief: he is so much better prepared to handle nuclear terrorism than Curtis’ hurt feelings.
Jack asks Chloe to find out if there’s anything between Curtis and Bizarro-Jack. Obviously she can drop whatever she’s doing, Jack’s got everything under control.
9:20: Jack gets a call from CTU about some hostage situation, but before he talks to the woman who called it in, he takes a moment to inform her that his name is Jack Bauer. Turns out that some kid has taken a suburban family hostage, and there is reason to believe he is tied to the main terrorists. By the way, the kid is played by Kumar, of Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle. When we last saw Kumar he was kicking the crap out of Superman. When did this guy turn so bad? I’m starting to worry that Harold’s body is in the trunk of a car somewhere.
I bet you can’t guess whose strike team is closest. That’s right - Bauer, party of four? Bauer, party of four: your hostage crisis is ready. Jack and Curtis head over there with all the nonchalance that I have when I get a sudden urge for French Fries.
On the way, Jack gets a call from President Whine. The President is willing to give Jack Junior a full pardon for his assistance. Curtis looks panicked and uncomfortable, like Jack just asked him to hold a cobra, Jack’s dick, or both at the same time. Also, of all of Curtis’ skills, acting does not appear to be one of them. His facial expressions are weird and wrong. This might be because he’s never had any before.
9:41: That was quick. Bing-bang-boom, and the hostage is okay. Unfortunately, there’s a little too much bang and boom, and despite’s Jack’s explicit instructions that Kumar was not to be harmed, some no-name agent shoots him. Luckily the hostage overheard Kumar explaining where an essential component of the nuclear device was to be delivered, and a non-Bauer strike team is dispatched. Uh oh. “Non-Bauer” is just another way of saying “likely to die.”
9:50: Jack hands Fake Jack his pardon. Curtis catches them in the middle of a handshake and makes his Sad Face, which is also the Punched-in-the-kidneys Face and the Oh-lord-I-need-to-take-a-crap Face. Jack explains that Assad is getting a pardon. Now Curtis looks like a five-year-old who just found out Santa isn’t real…and has to take a crap.
9:52: Chloe calls. Apparently Curtis was in the army after Desert Storm, when Assad led a group that captured several men in Curtis’s battalion and then made a video of them being beheaded. No jokes here.
9:53: Jack comes outside to find Curtis holding a gun to Assad’s head. Jack draws his gun, and we have our first standoff of the day. These are always cool, because you get to see how many ways the staff writers can say “Put your weapon down”. For instance, today it’s “BY ORDER OF THE PRESDENT OF THE UNITED STATES PUT YOUR WEAPON DOWN!”
Curtis: “I can’t let this animal live…” I don’t know how Jack is getting out of this.
9:54:….The same way he gets out of everything. Jack shoots his very best friend in the neck. And if dying weren’t bad enough, Curtis is apparently dying while also having to take a crap.
These were my notes from the show, typos included: “HOLLY JEEBUS JACK JUST KILLED HIS BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WIIDE WORLD WHAT THE HELLIS GOING ON! Curtis wasn’t attractive enough?”
9:55: Jack Bauer cries. And vomits. And when Buchanan calls him to sympathize, he quits. I’m speechless, and/or terrified. There’s some sort of Gregorian chant type of music, and I’m starting to wonder if I’ve somehow changed channels without knowing it. Nope. Still, I’m pretty positive that plant life will never again grow where Jack’s tears touched the ground.
10:00 AM: The Non-Bauer strike team produces typical non-Bauer results: namely, a nuclear bomb goes off in Valencia. See what happens, Jack? See what happens when you quit? Quitter!
At the end of the hour, Jack looks at the explosion and starts crying again. Though this is probably because he’s going blind.
And lastly, we learn that the terrorists have four more bombs.
Holy crap this is gonna be a loooooong day. Craziest season of 24 ever.
For the hour:
- Kills: 1 BEST FRIEND
- Self-Identifications: 1
- Hostage Crises Resolved: 2 – However briefly, Curtis had a hostage.
- Nuclear Attacks Prevented: 0-for-1
Y’know, my roommates were both very sympathetic to Curtis. Poor Curtis, poor Curtis, yak yak yak. I say you got what you deserved, Curtis. Seriously, how many times has he seen Jack pull a gun on someone? I’ve only seen a season and a half of this show, but I know that when Jack Bauer pulls a gun on you you’re going to hear two very loud noises. The first is Jack Bauer’s voice. He’s telling you to do something. The second noise is you getting shot after you didn’t do whatever it was Jack Bauer was telling you to do. That’s how it goes, and Curtis was very familiar with the process. I’ve got no sympathy for him whatsoever.
Zach’s day, 9- 10 AM: Honestly, by now I have no idea what I did that day, but I feel pretty comfortable saying that I probably didn’t shoot any friends of mine. Still, if I did shoot anyone and you’re reading this, please let me know - I will do my best to remember the reasoning behind it and apologize if I deem it necessary.
However, I know for sure that I didn’t cry. I win this round, Bauer. (You girl.)
Finally! Oh wait, Jack’s at it again tonight. Keeping up with that guy is exhausting.
I think Curtis’s expression really emanated from the actor who played (past tense) Curtis. It was his, how-come-my-agent-didn’t-tell-me-I-would-be-killed-off-in-this-episode-I-had-to-find-it-out-today-when-new-script-pages-came-down-I-bet-that-putz-Sutherland-had-something-to-d0-with-it-holy-shit-I-just-bought-a-house-in-Encino-with-an-adjustable-mortgage-how-am-I-going-to-pay-for-it-expression?
Is it me or is 24 becoming more and more like a satire of its former self? I wouldn’t be surprised if the next bad guy (3 of 12) was Dr. Evil. I mean, you can’t go from Syntox gas killing millions to killing double digits in Baltimore. What’s next, Jack is going to discover that the terrorists are planning on releasing a strain of the common cold in all playgrounds in South Dakota? Or perhaps we figure out that they’ve replaced all of the cholesterol free oil at In N Outs throughout the country with Olestra. Who even gives a shit about Baltimore? I lived there for 4 years and trust me there is nothing there to give a shit about. Chances are the bad guys have consistently raised the per capita income and IQ of this country with every move they’ve made so far. Now, I know people will say “but wait, they just set off a suitcase nuke in Valencia! Doesn’t that up the ante?” The response to this requires a list:
1. Have you ever heard of Valencia? Because if you have, you would know that Jack was crying not in response to the nuke going off but because he had actually never been to Magic Mountain. DAMN YOU TERRORISTS! Anything but Colossus! See what I mean? You’re probably thinking to yourself “I didn’t know that Magic Johnson lived in Valencia” and “why would Jack care about Magic’s mountain and why does he keep referencing his genitals with pet names?”
2. Honestly, Jack needs to find where the 24 writers are holed up and execute them indescriminately as he does his friends in such an efficient manner. Why? Because no one likes stale plot lines! What’s next, Jack figures out mid-morning that a “Terminator” has been sent from the future to search and destroy his feeble limp-wristed child self? This show is as stale as a two day old sweaty krispy kreme donut.
3. In past seasons the terrorist antics (and general storyline) have always been what can be described as “over the top” but ultimately believable in some way. This is no longer the case. Case in point 1: next time I am getting transported from jail to a maximum security plane, remind me to sit next to the bathroom. Sure, the guards will think you’re crazy since everyone knows when the warden had anyone clean the bowl but who cares if you can enable stealth fetal position? Perhaps the NSA finally realized that “Hey, those are pretty f’ing good terrorist plots, maybe we’re giving people ideas - why don’t you go ahead and dumb down the show”. Case in point 2: what was the deal with the hoopdi that Jack first broke into having the same Nextel setup that they have in the CTU Explorers? This all started last season when Jack’s hoody started acting like a Magic the Gathering card - Circle of Protection: Toxic Gases (something my cubemates at work have been looking for, especially on taco day). As an aside whilst I gripe about feasibility, most secret agents put their phones on silent when they’re in sneaking around in stealth mode. Not Jack though. Escaping from capture/torture/near death experience? Let’s go with Super Loud Mode with Vibrate (in case he wanders into a club and the Prez calls).
All in all, the terrorist theme really is getting a bit dated. What’s next, we find out Assad is actually working for Nazi Germany and is about to release Enigma machine 1.8 for beta testing? Just my opinion, but I think it would have been much cooler if this season was about Jack kickin’ ass eastside, trying to get back from China. Or if we absolutely need to keep with the terrorist plotlines with which these subpar writers seem to be fixated, perhaps this season should’ve been based in the Sudan or Darfur or something. Regardless, I’m probably not wasting anymore time with this show, especially with Heroes I mean XMen I mean Heroes starting up again.
Never thought they could out-do a nuke in hour 4, but with the simple drama of familial ties, bygone, they’ve done it.
Very entertaining analysis. Here are a few more entertaining things to consider about Jack Bauer: http://as-i-know-it.blogspot.com/2007/01/superman-wears-jack-bauer-pajamas.html
definatly sucked that curtis died. you’d think bauer couldve figured out something or shot him somewhere less lethal. even as i was typing that i realized that bauer had in fact exhausted his negotiating ability and i dont think he can bring himself to waste a bullet on not killing. but now who’s going to take his place?
to jackie:
i’d actually really like to see how far this really goes. i think i’ll peak in my enjoyment of this show when the terrorist give up on nuclear bombs and set off a grizzly bomb (a bomb that shoots grizzly bears of a halfmile radius)… during a riot… and jack has to wrestle them all… because bullets wont affect them… umm… because they’re robot grizzlies made of steel and clint howard is revealed to actually not be jack’s brother but is instead his half brother (only sharing a mother) and clint howard’s dad is actually none other than osama bin laden. so jack has to get to clint howard but he’s riding one of the robot grizzlies and can shoot lasers from his bluetooth.
Is there any way we can get Z on some kind of regular schedule, so he can get these updates out sooner? Some of us really jones for these, quit holding out on us. How busy can you really be? Do that many people you work with really need another egg and cheese sandwich?
“Is there any way we can get Z on some kind of regular schedule”
HAHAHAHA…
AHAHAHAHA…
HAHAHAHA…
HAHA….. oh that was a good one.
fiber?
coffee and cigarettes help keep me regular
I totally wanted to come in with a bran muffin joke. Dang it.
There are two reasons I’m not posting ever these days. The first is that I’m working harder than ever at my job and staying late. The second is that I just moved in with Wonder Woman this weekend. What that means is that when I’m not working, I’m installing shelving and thinking that my relationship will never work because I don’t agree with where she wants to keep the plates.
Posts to come. Eventually.
i’ve come to the conclusion that my relationship with my gf is never going to work out because her enitre family doesnt know which shaker to use for salt and which to use for pepper… heathans
Congrats on the cohabitation, way to sponge off the lawyer there comedy writer. Don’t even bother trying to put shit where you want it, you’ll never win. Talikng about this issue,the great Denis Leary said “I’ve been to Wayne Gretzky’s house, he’s got 5 MVP trophies. You know where they are? In the garage.” And I’m pretty sure Wayne’s job built the house that they live in, not Mrs. Gretzky-Jones’ stellar acting in the Police Academy movies. Just make sure you get a space somewhere that you can go to do your thing, blog your blog, smoke your we…….well, never mind. No more blow-jobs or grilled cheese, unless you make it yourself. the sandwich not the…never mind.