Underpants On The Outside

I’m a big fan of 24. Sure, the story is good, but I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I’m going to compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.

Jack’s Day, 11-12 Noon: 

11:06:  Jack unbags his little brother, who starts crying.  Jack wants to know where Dad is, but Little Brother swears he doesn’t know.  More crying.  Jack’s about to bag him again on the pretense that he doesn’t believe him, but I think it’s also that Jack is uncomfortable with the sound of men crying.  Gasping: fine.  Pleading: great.  Death rattling: wonderful.  But crying gives him the willies.

What???  Just before he got put back in the no-breathing bag, Graham stopped crying on a dime and admitted he knew where Dad was.  He was fake-crying??? The only reason I didn’t suspect that is because I stopped doing the fake-crying bit when I was seven, when my brother said to me the 1986 equivalent of, “quit being such a girl.”  Good lord, Graham, have some dignity.

According to Jack’s little sister, Bauer the Senior owns a company that was arranging for the disposal of the nukes, when they were stolen by a contractor they hired.  But rather than alert the authorities and risk embarrassment, bankruptcy, and probable jail time for Graham, the company has been hunting the contractor on their own, and that’s where Papa Bear is right now.

The problem is it’s in Simi Valley.  A lot of people like to point out that perhaps the most unrealistic aspect of 24 is that no matter where Jack is going in L.A., (which is a pretty big place, as it turns out) he can always get there in ten to fifteen minutes.  I disagree; the most unrealistic thing about 24 is that no matter where Jack has to go in L.A., he never curses.  There are a lot of Valleys in L.A., but no one ever refers to them without incorporating the word fuck.   No one is happy to go to Simi (Fucking) Valley; not even people who live there.  It’s not even the valley people in L.A. typically complain about; that’s San Fernando Valley.  Simi is farther away.

Oh, and that was before a nuclear bomb went off in nearby Valencia. 

One last thing: I don’t care what kind of magic Luck Dragon Jack rides around on to reach any point in L.A. in fifteen minutes; no way he’s making it to Simi in that time frame.

As Jack is dragging Graham to the door, Graham protests, “I’m not leaving my family.  Not today.”  Jack’s response: “Oh yes you are.”  Silly Graham, trying to act like he has free will.  Also, nice of Jack not to let him know the likelihood that Graham’s family is probably more closely related to Jack than to Graham.

11:09: As they leave, Jack shares one of the most awkward pauses ever with Graham’s wife.  I think seeing Jack made her pregnant.

11:16: On their drive there, Graham wants to die, apparently.  He’s trying to convince Jack not to involve CTU (since he’ll go to jail) and says, AND I QUOTE, “Would you please not be so simple-minded for once in your life?”  Oh, Graham.  Poor, stupid Graham.  You are going to die today.

10:31:  They show up at the contractor’s office.  Told you!  No WAY they make it to Simi Valley in fifteen minutes!  Twenty minutes is an eternity on 24.  This episode has been almost entirely non-Jack, because if they had shown Jack, it would have looked like this:

Graham:  “Jack…I’m so….SO so sorry for calling you simple-minded.  I don’t-“

Jack:  “Shut up Graham, I don’t have time for this - this asshole won’t let me in the left lane!  Why the fuck did we have to go to Simi Fucking Valley, of all places?!  (Honks horn)  C’MON, MOVE, YOU SON OF A BITCH!”

Jack breaks into the contractor’s office while Graham mopes about like Jack stole his lolly (or wife and kid).  They’re going through the contractor’s computer, but it’s been digitally shredded.   It’s going to become really shredded if it doesn’t give Jack the answers he’s looking for.

Jack hears a noise outside.  He locks Graham to a post, with a very stern, “Don’t make a noise.”  Graham wishes his heart would stop beating so damn loudly.

Jack searches the building.  One guys surprises him, but Jack has no problem disabling him.  But while he’s busy, another guy sneaks up behind him and whacks him in the head.  I think the only hour Jack has gone without injury was the one he killed Curtis in.

Enter: Papa Bauer.  It’s Oscar-Winner…um…that old guy from Babe and L.A. Confidential.  (Who has presumably never made love with a velociraptor…raubhi.)  He strolls out, all nonchalant.  He’s not scared of Jack.  He brought Jack into this world, he can take him out.  Blah blah blah.  Jack will not be outdone, and refuses to talk until they give him his gun back.  I bet there’s a moment when Papa Bear remembered back to the first time he put a gun in little Jack’s hand.  Sure, all the other kids were playing little league, but no one ever stopped terrorism by knowing how to hit a curveball.

Mr. Bauer explains to Jack that if he involves CTU, Graham will go to prison.  He keeps saying, “I don’t want my son to go to prison.”  I don’t know why Jack doesn’t point out that Dad’s saying this to the son that just got out of prison, thank you very much.  The Chinese kind.

11:36: Finally Dad lets up and allows Jack to call CTU, but at the last second Graham throws a coup! He and Dad’s former henchmen put Jack and Dad at gunpoint.  Dad is good after all.  I think I can take one bad guy off the list.  And just in case Graham’s fate wasn’t already sealed, he takes Jack’s cell phone.  Might as well walk under some ladders and break some mirrors while you’re at it, Graham.

11:58:  Jack and Dad are loaded into a van, and Graham says “Call me when it’s over.”   I wonder what they’ve been talking about for the past fifteen minutes.  Jack’s gotta be wondering, “This is what I came back from Chinese prison for?”

For the hour:

• Kills: 0
• KO’s: 0
• Familial reunions: 1
• Cain/Abel allusions: 1
• Trips to Simi Fucking Valley: 1

Even if anything good had happened to Jack this hour, the Simi Valley drive would have ruined it.  This was one of the worst hours I’ve ever seen Jack have.  In next week’s preview, it looks like Graham’s back to being tied up in an office chair.  Something tells me the bag’s staying on a little longer, this time.
 
My Day 11-12 Noon:  I should probably disclose something.  It is my job to sell online advertising.  You know; banners, pop ups, all of the internet’s little annoyances.   There are many times when I’ll accidentally click a pop up on one of our sites, and for a moment I hate myself.  I mention this because while Jack works to make the world a better place, I do the exact opposite.  And while Jack ended his hour thinking, “After all the dangers I’ve lived through, I’m gonna die at the hands of GRAHAM???” I ended my hour thinking, “Subway or Wendy’s?”  (Winner: Subway)

For the hour:

• Ruined the Internet
• Ate Fresh