Underpants On The Outside

The other night, Wonder Woman and I were sitting around in the apartment we now share (we’re smiling, we’re smiling, let’s see those teeth…big smiles…) watching the late-night Cosby Show reruns on TV Land.  Now, I love the Cosby Show, and if you’re the type of person who enjoys this blog then you probably love it too.  I’ve never met a single person who doesn’t get happy when there’s a Cosby Show episode on.  Normally, I’d make some sweeping generalization that everyone loves the Cosby Show, but I’m learning not to do that.  After all, up until the other night, I would have also assumed that no one would say the words Wonder Woman did:

“When I was a kid, I always identified so well with Sondra.”

Sondra.  Buzzkill Huxtable.  The one who never tried to crack a joke, unless those lectures she always used to give on 17th century philosophy were meant to be funny.  (Maybe I just didn’t get them because unlike Sondra, I didn’t go to Princeton, as she reminded everyone constantly.)  It would have been less abhorrent if Wonder Woman had started sprouting mushrooms out of her face.

Everyone knows someone like Sondra.  You went to college with them or you work with them.  The thing about them is they don’t even realize that they are those people.  Most of them, if asked, they would say they hate their own kind of people.  NBC never could have made an enjoyable series about Sondra’s college life.  Yet Wonder Woman “identifies.”  It makes me wonder if she even understood the show at all.  Like if your kid watched G.I. Joe and thought Cobra were the good guys.

Now I’m dating, nay, LIVING WITH Sondra.  What makes it worse is that there were so many other endearing characters WW could have picked from.  Even the dudes.  After the jump, I go down the list.

Claire Huxtable: I believe I’ve said it here before, but I think Claire Huxtable was the perfect woman.  Smart, attractive, a good mother, and most importantly, pretty damn funny.  (Actually most important: she seemed to have a very healthy sexual appetite.)  She did sassy, coy, forceful…in baseball she’d be known as a “five tool player,” though that fifth tool is for Cliff and Cliff alone.

Cliff Huxtable: The only bad thing you can say about Cliff is that as an actual father he would have driven his kids nuts.  His stories were entertaining, but always a little long-winded with all the silly voices and funny faces.  No big deal when you’re only watching for thirty minutes, but after you’ve lived with the guy for thirteen years you’re going to have heard that one about the time he was running track.  Y’know, the one that goes: [with running motion] “Whuf-a-whuf-a-whuf, and I go by him like [bullet like motion with right hand] ZZZZhhooop! and then I’m running [resume running motion] whuf-a-whuf-a-whuf….” (the worst part is that the story was supposed to illustrate why Denise should stop having so much unprotected sex.)

Sondra Huxtable:  The only one of them who was awful.  A genius in her own mind and the bane of Elvin’s existence.  You could see it on his face - it had been years since he had seen any of his friends.   Also…my girlfriend.

Elvin Huxtable (c’mon, you KNOW she made him take her name):  If WW is Sondra, that would make me Elvin, which would make me want to take my own life. 

Denise Huxtable: A distant second to Claire Huxtable.  Not as funny, spent several seasons being morose and over dramatic (puberty is not an excuse).  Made up for some of that by being really really hot. 

That dude in the Navy: Denise’s husband.  Father of Olivia.  Other than that…I’m not sure what he did.  (Still, a better option for me than Elvin.  Plus, I’d get to be taller.)

Theo Huxtable:  Funny, outgoing and good-looking, Theo had all the elements of success.  But you’re only as cool as the people you hang out with, and Theo’s best friends were Cockroach and Adam Sandler - better luck next life.  Theo always seemed to be trying a little too hard, but definitely a good guy to hang out with.

Vanessa Huxtable:  Oh, Vanessa.  Poor, poor, Vanessa, reeking of desperation.  Slightly heavy in a family where everyone else is outright hot or at the very least cute.  The perfect example of the type of girl who has “a great personality.”  And she was funny, but even when she made a good joke, she made it with that wrinkled brow/puppy dog look that screams, “please, someone, anyone, LIKE ME!!!”  In real life, this girl can’t go a day without someone telling her, “Just wait; things get better in college.”  Not that I’d know a thing about that.

Rudy Huxtable: Awww…look at that…Rudy did something cute!  That’s adorab- oh, c’mon Vanessa, you KNOW we love you just as much!  Please stop crying…

Bud, AKA Kenny: Rudy’s best friend.  Even as a kid, that guy was cool.  Never got flustered or stuttered.  Looked adults in the eye.  He’s every parent’s dream, right up until your child grows breasts.  I must have missed the episode where Cliff caught Bud and Rudy rounding second base when they were fifteen years old, but I know it happened.

That fat kid: Rudy’s other friend.  Didn’t say a word.  STILL got more laughs than Sondra.

Olivia: Everyone knows that when a family sit-com has to come up with some contrived reason to bring on a new kid because all the other ones are hitting puberty and starting to look weird (yeah, we’re looking at you, Rudy), it’s pretty much the kiss of death.  I wasn’t a fan of Olivia, who seemed too aware of her own cuteness.  Something about that shrug of hers really rubbed me the wrong way.  But Raven Simone somehow turned that role into an empire worth hundreds of millions of dollars.  If WW identified with her, at least I could look at it as a long term investment. 

Nope.  Wonder Woman takes a look at that list and picks Sondra.  Now I’m afraid to watch Three’s Company with her, because I just KNOW she’ll go on about how much cooler it’d be to be Mr. Furley than Jack Tripper.  Do you know how much that duplex would be WORTH these days?!?