Underpants On The Outside

I’m a big fan of 24. Sure, the story is good, but I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I’m going to compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.

Jack’s Day, 5-6 PM:  As you may recall, last week Jack hooked up with President Scrotum-Neck to go question the Russian Consul, who Logan thinks can lead them to the Russian General (Bad Guy 7 of 12 I believe, though I’m too lazy to check) who could then lead them to the terrorists with the nuclear bombs.  Given the flimsy nature of this lead, I would think Jack’s sense of urgency might be a tad more palpable, but he just spent the last hour changing into a suit, which makes me wonder if he knows how to tie a tie.  Maybe Logan had to help him.  I wish I could have seen that.

All I know is that at the top of the hour, when they meet in front of the house to leave, both of them have cleaned up considerably.   Nuclear Terrorism, Shmuclear Terrorism – what good is saving the country if you can’t look good while you’re doing it?  I just hope they remember to pick up a nice bottle of wine on the way to the consulate. 

5:03: In the car, Logan starts talking to Jack about prison.  Roommate Mary: “…know how I know you’re gay?”  That joke never fails.  Then Nut-Neck goes on and on about the silence of prison, and how it would drive you mad, except for a voice that comes out of the silence that keeps you sane.  I wrote the exact same speech about 800 times in high school, and I have the journals to prove it.  Why won’t any of the girls see how great of a guy Logan is??? 

Also, while it was nice of the OC writing staff to help out now that their show is coming to an end, maybe they should have watched a few of the DVD’s before being thrown into the deep end.  Then, they would have known that any other season, Jack would have pointed out to Logan (through gritted teeth) that Logan was under house arrest.  That voice he heard was Oprah coming from the TV.  For Jack, that voice belonged to a 300-lb Chinese dude with a cattle prod and a rusty pair of pliers. 
 
5:16: They pull up to the consulate, and despite Jack’s objections, Logan talks Jack into letting him talk to the consul alone.  The last time someone changed Jack’s mind without the use of a gun was 1976.   If Jack Bauer were a professional athlete, newspapers across the country would be wondering whether he was secretly playing hurt, because right now he can’t hit an inside fastball and everyone knows it.

They walk in.  Logan goes inside, Jack waits in the lobby.  NOBODY puts Baby in the corner!  For the second hour in a row, Jack is SITTING AROUND.  It was a mistake to teach him how to play Sudoku. 

Forget President Nut-Neck; that’s JEDI Nut-Neck.  Not only did Logan change Jack’s mind without the use of the Jedi Magic-Finger (wink, wink, ladies…), now he’s pushing this Russian Consul all over the place.  But in the end, the guy swears he doesn’t know anything anyway.  From the commercials, I have a bad feeling about where this is going.  Remember all the interrogations Jack has botched today?  Get ready for some overcompensation.  BTW, the Russian consul just cut a cigar.  This is going to become relevant in about twenty minutes. 

Logan just read the Russian like a book.  He leaves the consulate, but he is positive the guy knows where the General is.   As they leave the consulate, Jack tells the driver to pull over; he’s gotta make a call.   “Chloe, it’s Jack.  Uh….I’m going to break into the Russian consulate.”  Thank God Logan finally points out what everybody’s thinking, namely, “Really Jack?  It didn’t work out so well for you the last time.”  Now Jack looks pained, though it doesn’t look so much the pain of an unpleasant memory.  More like he has to pee.  Maybe that’s why he really wants to get back into the consulate.

5:35: Jack jumps the fence.  It was harder to break out of my high school.  Then he runs into one of the guards, who he fools by…prepare yourself…you might want to sit down…speaking fluent Russian.  Since when does Jack work like this?  What a crap season.  This is when I expect Roommate Kat to shout, “Who CARES!”  But she’s already asleep.    That’s smart of her.

Per Jack’s request, Chloe downs power to the consulate for sixty seconds so Jack can get through the alarmed doors and into the Consul’s office.  It works like a charm, but then Jack ruins it by not having the sense it takes to rob a convenience store. When the power comes back on, the Consul already has his finger on an alarm button.  Must be hard, fighting terrorism with your head up your ass.

If Jack had any hope of escaping, he pretty much ruined it by punching the Consul in the face and shouting to the security team that he’s holding the man hostage.  I’m actually developing a theory about this…

5:37: Jack calls it into Buchanan.  Uh, Bill, I got myself a little situation.  Way to dump it on his plate, Jack.  The security team demands he surrender, but Jack doesn’t know the meaning of the word.  At least that’s the way it seems, judging by how he just keeps beating the bejeezus out of the Consulate’s (admittedly ample) nose.  It’s like a blood piñata. 

5:47:  Time to kick this interrogation up a notch.  Jack: “You’re gonna tell me what I want to know or you’re going to lose your fingers one by one.”  AND THEN HE CUTS OFF ONE OF THE CONSUL’S FINGERS.  Remember what I said about overcompensating?   

Well, it gets the job done.  The Consul admits that Gredenko is “In the High Desert…Shadow Valley”.  Sure, that’d be helpful if Jack were looking for Princess Zelda and the Tri-force, but those aren’t places in California.

The Consul also confesses that the General will supply the terrorist with aerial drones to deliver the final three bombs.  That would be bad, and since the Consul knew about it, I’m afraid I have to add him to my list of bad guys.  Eight down, four to go. Jack airs his frustration with one last nose-drubbing, and walks to the door in a way that suggests he’s forgotten what’s on the other side of it.  Namely, some trained security personnel with concussion grenades.  Jack gets blown up, knocking him unconscious. 

From the look of things, Jacks ending the hour in chair.  At 5:56, he starts coughing, attracting the attention of the head of security.  If Jack chews his throat out I’m giving up the show right now.  No such luck.  Instead, he starts telling the security guy about the terrorist plot and the aerial drones and the Consul.  Jack really thinks all security personnel are like him.  If there was any doubt in the Jack Bauer: Russian Edition’s mind, Jack erases it when he ends with, “My name is Jack Bauer.”  That’s one hell of an introduction.  I want to be clear; there’s no one else on the planet who could end an argument with their own name.  The words ’Jack Bauer’ are all the evidence you need.  

Jack may have convinced his Russian doppelganger to call CTU with the information, but unfortunately like so many other Russian knockoffs, this one is a tad sub-par.  Just before Buchanan gets on the phone, Red Bauer is shot from behind by another consulate employee.   That’s nine bad guys.  I have three left, and there’s still a lot of daylight.

For the hour:

• Kills: 0
• KO’s (others): 1
• KO’s (self): 1
• Net KO’s: 0
• Interrogations: 1
• Self Identifications: 1+ (it was a good one, I have to admit)
• International Laws Broken: 1 (again!)

Which leads me to my theory.  I think Jack WANTS to go back to prison.  Sure, getting tortured sucked, but think about it - with Jack’s penchant for torture and improvised weaponry, wouldn’t he rule in prison (provided it’s just like it’s portrayed in the movies)?  He’d have all the cigarette cartons and tender new prisoners he wanted.  (Note: When I first wrote this post, I spent a long time trying to work the term “anal-interrogations” into the end of that sentence.  No luck.)

My Day, 5-6 PM:  For the most part, I’d say that my job is a lot like other jobs.  I make calls, run numbers, and work on more Excel spreadsheets and Powerpoint presentations than I ever thought possible.  It’s all very standard.   The problem is that much of what I do is also confidential, and given the number of co-workers (and my boss) that read the Underpants, I can’t just go breaking the rules.  So when I tell you that yesterday I had to put together a proposal for a well-known STD medication, I can’t tell you which medication, or which STD, but I can tell you that I do not have this particular STD, though there was a close call, once. 

But I found out an interesting tidbit, in my research.  I’m not sure how they find this out, but apparently the users of one of our websites are TWICE AS LIKELY to be suffering from an STD as average.  Now I can’t decide if we should tell the client this.  Sure, it’s relevant, but where I come from that’s not something to brag about.

It really makes me wish I could find out similar statistics for the Underpants. 

For the hour:

• Google Searches that Might Explain the Looks the IT Guys Have Been Giving Me: 8

One more thing: Given the level of suckitude of this season of 24, Tooth Fairy has suggested that I might want temporarily suspend these posts, lest my writing go down with the ship.   But while the show is utter crap right now, I’m willing to keep watching it, if that’s what you guys want.  Here at the Underpants, we know it’s all about you - the reader.  Let me know what you think.