Underpants On The Outside

I’m a big fan of 24. Sure, the story is good, but I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I’m going to compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.

Jack’s Day, 7-8pm:  You know, it probably was the same way last year, and maybe I’m just too ready to see this show’s flaws.  But I swear, the intros to catch people up feel like they’re ten minutes long.  I wonder if Jack has noticed that nothing interesting ever happens to him in the first five/ten minutes of an hour.  I think that would be a very relaxing feeling.  Of course, he probably would have noticed things tend to go to shit at :50, and that’s really no way to live a life:

“Hey, what time is it?” 
“3:45…why?”
“No reason…” (looking up in the sky with a slightly worried expression.)

In any case, at the end of Jack’s five minute rest-period, he’s outside the Russian Consulate after being rescued by Ricky Schroeder and a tac-team.   Jack’s shoes look a little uncomfortable… maybe that’s because they’re on THE OTHER FOOT NOW!  (that joke would have worked a lot better if I was actually able to say it to Jack.  Then again, it still wouldn’t be that funny and he’d be able to physically retaliate, so I’m fine with the current setup.)

The field medic thinks Jack might have internal bleeding, due to “floating rib fragments”.  Looks to me like he has gas, but perhaps I get periodic floating rib fragments and no one told me that’s what it was.  Well, nothing that doesn’t involve the words, “shattered”, “ruptured” or “amputated” is going to keep Jack down, so he wants to get right back on the case.  Unfortunately, Ricky Schroeder has other ideas.  Ricky:  “CTU has the ball, Jack; right now this is out of your hands.”  I know we’re supposed to support our law enforcement, but this guy really is an insufferable prick.   He certainly wouldn’t be fun at the company get-together.  Besides, the statement, “CTU has the ball” is preposterous.  Jack should have replied, “Agent Doyle, you and I both know that the only balls CTU has ever had are the two that prevent my legs from touching.”

7:07: One of the terrorists launches a nuclear drone using (as far as I can tell) a flight sim and a joystick.  I wish Nintendo would have shelled out for a Wii product placement.  It would have been hilarious to see a nuke steered by a man who looks like he’s fly-fishing.  Later we learn that the drone is targeted to San Francisco.  What??? You mean they’re going to ignore such ripe targets as Lafayette and UC Davis???

7:16: Jack arrives in CTU, grimacing. I still think he’s telling himself he just needs to gut this one last season out, then he’ll be able to make the movie and get himself that Oscar.  Just remember the pay check.  Meanwhile, Ricky Schroeder looks like he’s thinking about Keifer’s paycheck every bit as much as Keifer.

On his way to medical, Jack notices the widow and makes a sudden left turn, and I think we can all understand why.  No matter what our jobs, sometimes we need to take a little me-time, when we don’t have to worry about internal bleeding or any in-flight nuclear devices.  And I know that there’s no better way to spend “me-time” then trying to get “me” laid.  

Unfortunately, as lethal as Jack is to terrorists, he’s even better at killing his chances of getting some.  The Widow MAKES A MOVE TO KISS JACK (hey, give her a break.  She needs something to take her mind off of the fact that her father in law just brutally murdered her husband and held her son at gunpoint, and it’s pretty hard to think of other things when Bauer is tongue-torturing your clitoris.)  and Jack backs off, saying he needs to tell the Buzzkill (Audrey, for those of you not here last year) that he’s still alive.  Then the widow tells Jack that the Buzzkill is dead – a car accident in China.  Looks like she met a buzz that killed her back.  I’d like to meet that buzz and shake its hand.  Jack’s reaction is awesome.  Over the course of a minute and a half he goes from confused to angry to scared and right back to confused.  Then he sees Buchanan and Schroeder talking in a conference room and snarls.    Good thinking; the Academy voters like to see range, and he should probably work these kinks out while he’s just on TV. 

7:30:  Chloe discovers that there’s a leak within CTU, and traces it to Nadia.  About Nadia:  Nadia is the female counterpart to Milo as the sexy new CTU sidekicks.   Early in the season I never thought to talk about them any more that I would have mentioned if CTU put up new wallpaper, but more and more it seems like they might have some significance after all.  They sure act important, but I couldn’t tell you what function they serve – at least Hooters waitresses shuttle buffalo wings.  Milo and Nadia are soap opera characters, and they have no business being on 24.  It feels odd to disagree with the presence of a hot woman, but believing non-descript attractive people could improve a show is like saying salads would taste better with gummi bears.

(One last thing about Milo/Nadia: For some reason they remind me of Tygra and Cheetara, who always gave The Thundercats a bizarre sexuality.  And I mean that in a emotionless, omni-sexual, Eyes Wide Shut kind of way.  Anytime they were around, you got the feeling that an orgy could break out any moment.  I distinctly remember being aware of this, even when I was seven.)

Anyway, with Cheetara accused of being a traitor, Ricky Schroeder goes OFF.  She’s tied up in a detainment room, with her jacket removed and her blouse slightly opened.  And her breasts are heaving, so forget everything I said earlier – let’s keep her around for a while.  But then Ricky has to go and ruin it by grabbing her around the throat and telling her he’ll do what he has to to get info from her.  I hope they’re not trying to test a potential Keifer replacement, because Schroeder is painful to watch.  He doesn’t come off as a loose cannon; just a douchebag. 

7:45:  Jack is sitting in Medical, wearing a corset.  I wonder if that’s for the broken ribs, or the cause of the broken ribs - maybe standing next to Milo made him insecure.  Now that he’s not wearing a shirt, we can see scars all over his body like someone used his torso to put out cigarettes.  Cigarettes the size of a baseball bat. 

Jack notices a couple of tac-team guys getting ready to head out because they’ve figured out where the pilot of the drone is.  But first he has to find Buchanan and scold him for not letting Jack know that the Buzzkill bought it.  Buchanan is a little shocked; at the time he figured that since Jack was on his way to his death (remember that first episode?) he didn’t need to be burdened.  I think Jack understands this; he’s just pissed because if he had known, he and the Widow would be halfway to Orgasm City. 

But that’s in the past; now Jack wants to go kill some fools.  Buchanan doesn’t want to let him (remember, CTU has the ball), but Jack spouts some nonsense about how since Audrey died in China, looking for him, it proves that his life is worth living, and if that’s the case, he wants to live it the only way he knows how – fighting terrorism.  Believe me when I say I’ve just laid out his reasoning far more clearly and concisely than he did.  They say you should never base your self-esteem on someone else, especially a member of the opposite sex.  Maybe it’s okay when that person is dead, I don’t know.  In any case, it’s enough to either convince Buchanan or confuse him to the point where he allows Jack to go.  Not only that, he offers Jack the option to “run point”, floating rib fragments and recent bouts of crying aside.  Way to get back on that killing horse.

7:50 (NOTE THE TIME):  Jack shows up at the drone pilot’s locations.  One of my favorite moments of the episode was when they announced that the drone pilot was just three blocks from CTU.  That’s because the episode ran so long with this extraneous crap that the only way they could reach the terrorists in time was if they were a five minute walk away.

Jack kills two guards with maximum stealth, but the pilot hears them coming and tries to hold them off.  Schroeder shoots him in the leg, but the terrorist is still able to pull out a grenade.  Luckily Jack comes along and cleans up Silver Spoon’s mess before the guy can pull the pin.  Otherwise, San Francisco would be playing Nagasaki to Valencia’s Hiroshima, which would have also been the nicest compliment anyone has ever paid Valencia.

Okay, there’s a nuclear drone minutes away from SF.  If it hits a pre-set perimeter, it will detonate.  Someone needs to grab a joystick and make it turn, and there’s only one man for the job.  Paging Bauer, paging J. Bauer…

Jack gets on the stick.  More than ever, I wish Nintendo had paid for that product placement.  Chloe informs Jack that if he turns too sharply, the drone will stall and lose control, and presumably keep flying straight.  As an ex-engineer, there are several things about this setup that leave me baffled, but I won’t go into details.  Needless to say, Jack is just barely able to make the turn in time.  But uh-oh…what’s this?  Jack glances nervously at his hand.  He says he’s fighting a stall, presumably because he feels it.  That joystick must be some ultra-sophisticated tactile feedback device.  By which I mean it probably vibrates like my Xbox controllers.  

7:54:  Jack needs a place to land this baby, now.  Chloe locates an industrial park by the bay, and Jack brings it in for what looks at first to be an impressive three-point landing.  But remember, this is Jack “The Black Plague” Bauer – once you come in contact with him, it’s only a matter of time.  Sure enough, the landing is still too tough for the drone to handle, and it spins out of control, crashing and breaking apart.  There’s no explosion, but the radioactive core was exposed, likely killing the first men on the scene.

For the hour: 

• Kills (intentional; sentient): 2
• Kills (unintentional; sentient): looks to be about twenty
• Kills (unintentional; non-sentient): 1 drone

Hey, don’t feel bad, Jack.  I don’t know a single person who could successfully land in Nintendo’s Top Gun, and that had to be a lot harder.

My Day, 7-8 PM: 

7:20: Get Home.

7:25: I’ve taken off my jacket and shoes, relieved my bladder and washed my hands.  I do the usual bit, how was your day, good, how was yours, good, did you eat, etc.  I pour myself a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats.

7:30:  Wonder Woman is on the couch watching something, likely 90210 reruns.  I don’t know because I sit down and immediately start making out with her.  Like…GOOD making out.   What was in those Honey Bunches of Oats???

7:50:  I’m informed that Wonder Woman’s friend is due to arrive in ten minutes, and there’s no time for that, Z.  Or that.  Or that.  And she’s not doing THAT no matter how much time we have.  I inform her that I’m going to the bedroom myself, then, and that I will be…indisposed…  WW tells me I have to be done by the time her friend gets here. [insert 24 sound effect: moop…MOOP!  Moop… MOOP!]

7:52: In what would be an instance of astounding symmetry two hours later, I also sit down in front of a computer terminal and take hold of a-…um…nevermind.  I was just playing a game on my Wii.

For the hour:

• Satisfied Smiles: 1 (on time)

And for the record, WW’s friend didn’t show up until 8:30.