Underpants On The Outside

This weekend I received an email from Jackie Treehorn with a link to the story you’ve probably all seen, about the crocodile who bit off the zoo keeper’s arm in Taiwan:

Now, the first two jokes that came to mind were the very obvious, “Talk about biting the hand that feeds you!” and “Yeah, but a half-hour later the crocodile was hungry again.” But I’m into rim shots. (Ladies…) Then I got caught up trying to cast my all-Chinese* version of Peter Pan.

Captain Hook: Duh
The Crocodile as himself
Tinkerbell: Bai Ling - petite; seems to frequently partake in fairy dust
Peter Pan: Jet Li – he can fly and is good with a knife
Mr. Smee: Jackie Chan – black belt in physical comedy
Wendy and the Lost Boys: The Republic of China and its upcoming generations of gender imbalance

I was halfway through figuring out how to get the crocodile to swallow a clock (solution: Cha Siu Bao, substitute mechanical clock for 1 pound finely chopped pork) when I read that they fired TWO BULLETS at the crocodile’s neck and it was unharmed.  Bullets.  Two of them.  

Forget worrying about nuclear warfare** - what will we do when our shores are suddenly flooded by brigades of bullet-proof crocodiles with a taste for human flesh?  From the picture, it would seem that Plan B: “Punch Crocodile in Mouth” doesn’t work so well either.   Who will save us?  Paul Hogan is selling Subarus and Steve Irwin is dead.  For that matter, how do we even know that the sting ray wasn’t sent by the Chinese??? 

That’s why I’m praying that this factors into tonight’s episode of 24.  Watching Jack kill a mutant crocodile with nothing but a cell phone would not only revitalize my interest in the show, it could very well be the key to winning World War III.

*I know, I know, the guy is Taiwanese.  But as soon as we decide Taiwan is a country, Catalina is going to start getting ideas.

**Personally, I’d love it; I hear that shit gives you super powers.