Underpants On The Outside

I’m a big fan of 24. Sure, the story is good, but I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I’m going to compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.

Jack’s Day 11-12 PM:  A couple minutes ago, Jack had he saved the day.  Not only that, he’d done it in record time, with seven hours to spare.  He had to have been feeling good, and you know what that means: cue the Buzzkill!  You know the feeling when you get home from work and your shoes are half off when you realize you forgot to pick up the laundry, and now you have to schlep out all over again?  That has to be close to what he’s feeling.  And if there’s one thing I’ve learned in this life, it’s never risk your life for a girl who’s comparable to forgotten laundry. 

Jack has seven hours to save Audrey, but he’ll have to find out what the Chinese want first, and that means he has to call them from a secure line.  Luckily Jack just met like six or seven guys who all have secure phones.  Even better, they won’t need their phones, seeing as how Jack killed them all.  Now all he has to do is steal one from the table where everyone is gathering the evidence.  So he walks up and pockets one with a smoothness implying years of pubescent petty theft.  But I’m disappointed.  There was no pizzazz.  Compare it to my routine from those days:

First I’d walk idly into the store, looking around aimlessly.  Suddenly my eyes go a little wide: clearly I am interested in something.  I’d pick it up, furrow my brow, turn it over a few times.  A York…Peppermint Patty, you say?  Interesting, interesting (hold it up to the light for affect).  Then I’d shake my head, communicating to any interested parties that after careful consideration I’ve decided it would not be a wise purchase at this juncture.  I would set the item back.  What you did NOT see was that I actually took TWO of said item off the rack - genius! - (not very) discreetly pocketing the second item.  As a last flair, I would nod to the cashier on the way out, as if to imply that I would return shortly; I just needed to call my broker and liquidate some assets so I could buy that pack of Doublemint I had my eye on. 

If Charlie Chaplin and Marcel Marceau had a child, but the child had a few too many chromasomes due to flaws in the cloning process, and it shoplifted, we probably would have looked very similar.

Yet despite Jack’s shameful lack of showmanship, his theft goes off flawlessly, and he finds a little alone time to call the Chinese ambassador, who, judging from his ring tone, is conducting covert international operations from his pre-teen daughter’s cell phone.  I expect to see that thing covered in Sanrio stickers.

Hello Kitty informs Jack that the Chinese want a component from the nukes.  It’s a circuit board with a decryption algorithm that will allow the Chinese to hack Russian defense codes.  Oooooh, check out the big words.  Jack pretends that this would start a war, but I’m skeptical.  Hadn’t the Russians given these nukes up for disposal?  The Chinese are probably rooting around in Russia’s radioactive trash to solve an encryption code on par with pig latin.  Next they’ll have Jack steal Germany’s plans for some new weapon called the “unterseeboot”.

I particularly find it funny that we’re supposed to believe the Chinese are struggling with an encryption problem, seeing as how for five bucks a guy on the subway will sell me a DVD of NEXT year’s season of 24.  

Naturally, Hello Kitty gives Jack an hour to steal from the nukes now being guarded by Marines.  Jack counters, “An hour is not going to be enough time.”  Please, Jack, we’ve all seen the show.  Hello Kitty does a good job of not guffawing when Jack says that, unlike me, Mary and Kat.  I actually think some food shot out of my mouth, I laughed so hard.

11:08 PM: Back at CTU, everyone’s sitting around patting each other on the back for stopping the terrorists (read: not getting in Jack’s way too much) until Chloe gets a call from the man himself.  Uh oh.  If I were Chloe I’d screen every single one of my calls.  It’s never good when Jack Bauer is on the other end of the line, and the guy changes cell phones so often you never know when it’s him.  Even if caller ID said “Mom”, I wouldn’t answer.   Either that or I’d have one phone for Jack and one phone for people who don’t yell at me all the time.  

Jack needs a schematic of the bomb so he knows which circuit board to steal, and she’s not on the phone for two minutes before Jack has her committing computer fraud.  He has a lot of faith in her, considering only hours ago Chloe made an oopsie when Jack was wrist-deep in an A-bomb. 

I also want to say that while the Buzzkill’s Resurrection is a gigantic cloud, the tiny silver lining is that Jack is once again ordering Chloe around while no one else knows what’s going on.  I like that part.  Sometime in the next two episodes, we’re getting one really good, “Damn it, Chloe!!!” and I’m making Mary do a shot of Jaeger when it happens.

11:23 PM: Jack breaks into the room where two Marines are guarding the bombs.  He clearly considers killing them, but remembers the other weapons in his arsenal: yelling and an introduction.  It works like a charm.  Man, woman or safe deposit box, when he says, “I’m agent Bauer,” you’re opening up.

Unfortunately back at CTU, Chloe got caught and had to tell Buchanan what Jack was up to.  (Jack is going to be SO mad at her.)  Being the strong leader that he is, Buchanan calls Schroeder and asks him to stop Jack.  What a weenie.  I wish I worked for this guy; I’d take three hour lunches.   Silver Spoon engages Jack in a stand off, and aims his gun well considering his life must be flashing before his eyes.  The only thing that stops Dr. Bauer from giving him a 9-mm tracheotomy is one of the guards, who rifle-butts Jack in the face.  That’s a knockout for the away team, and two guys who are off Jack’s Christmas card list. (And in case you’re wondering, the only other list Jack has is a “To Kill” list.)    

11:29 PM: Jack comes to in handcuffs, and Silver Spoon hands him a phone.  It’s Buchanan – you see, now that Jack is properly restrained, his supervisor feels it’s time to have a conference call regarding his behavior.  Buchanan wants Jack to know that he understands, and offers everything in his power to help Jack get Audrey back, but unfortunately I have boxer briefs that inspire more confidence.   As we all know, with Jack in handcuffs, “everything in Bill’s power” consists of several attractive yet incompetent people, and Chloe, the exact opposite.  Jack smartly replies that until five minutes ago Bill had no idea that Audrey was alive, and Bill makes a mental note to talk with Jack about undermining his authority the next time Jack is in handcuffs. 

Moving up one rung on the weenie ladder, Jack asks Bill to let him call the President, who always has time for Jack.  Jack gives his word that the circuit board won’t fall into Chinese hands, but Wayne says that’s not enough.  He’s right: remember when Jack said he wasn’t going to honor his agreement with the Russian?  Now Jack says that if he has to, he will blow up a charge of C4 to destroy the chip, even if it means sacrificing himself to do it. 

Remember, this is all to save the Buzzkill.  Loving Audrey is like loving traffic, but unfortunately Jack pulls a card that Wayne can’t beat: “Mr. President.  You owe me.” He’s almost crying.  Going by Jack’s Cry-o-meter, being without Audrey is equivalent to shooting your friend in the neck, and worse than the following: being stabbed, shot, beaten, rifle-butted, humiliated, and bearing witness to nuclear warfare.  I’d say Jack is beyond our ability to help him.   I actually had a friend like this, and there was nothing for us to do but let him get married and make bets on when the eventual divorce would happen. (For the record?  Less than a year.  I won the pool.) 

Anyway, once Jack asks as a favor, Wayne has no choice.  Oddly, Jack wants Schroeder on this mission with him.  Not only does Jack want to save Audrey and prevent the Chinese from hacking Russian Pig Latin, he has Hello Kitty at the top of his To Kill list, and it’s time he stopped slacking.   He tells Schroeder to make sure Audrey is safe.  Schroeder asks Jack where he’s going to be. (He probably doesn’t want to touch Audrey, just in case he ever feels like smiling again.)  Jack: “Wherever I need to be.”  Mary, Kat and I give a little cheer.  Maybe it’s because this season has been so crappy, but I’m feeling generous and I’m going to give Jack a Badass Point for that.  This has been a really good episode. 

11:41: Jack calls China - he’s got the board, and he’s on the way.   But Schroeder still isn’t sold on the plan, particularly the motivation.  He tells Jack, “I don’t mix relationships with work.  I hope it’s worth it.”

Jack:  “This is Audrey Raines.  She’s served this country with honor.  We owe her.  Now get in the truck.”  OWNED!  That’s another badass point!  Unfortunately, Mary reminds us all that Audrey’s “service” involves having her father be Secretary of Defense and sleeping with co-workers.

By the by, Fox’s website has a poll whether fans like Schroeder’s character.  The first option is, “Yes, he’s in awe of Jack but still follows orders”, which describes every single character on the show, and is also misuse of the word “but”.  (Read it again; “and” would really be more appropriate.)  The second option is, “No, he’s now Jack’s enemy.”  For the love of Strunk and White, that’s some awful syntax.   But the worst part is that at the time of this writing, the vote is currently 50-50.  I’m hoping that’s because only me and Ricky Schroeder have voted. 

Meanwhile, back at the White House, the strain of trying to say no to Jack Bauer has taken too great a toll on Wayne’s frail constitution, and he collapses from an aneurysm.  When Vice President Trigger Finger hears that Jack’s operation could potentially provoke a war with Russia, he is surprisingly opposed, and seeing as how he doesn’t owe Jack shit, he calls Buchanan to put a stop to it.  Being a good middle manager, Buchanan calls Schroeder, who tries to pretend like the phone call is completely innocent and they have to take an alternate route.  Seeing how well he acted “fake shot”, it’s not surprising that it doesn’t fool Jack for a second, and with a gun pressed to Schroeder’s head, Jack says through gritted teeth, “Earlier today, I shot my own partner, a friend of mine, because he tried to stop me from doing what I have to do.  Don’t think I won’t do that to you.  I want you to pull over.”  That’s a Badass Hat Trick, people.  Where was this all season?  The episode has five minutes left and Kat is fully awake. 

Silver Spoon pulls over, gets out of the car.  “Jack, you don’t want to do this.”  Funny, he really looks like a guy who is doing what he wants to do.  Jack responds with the six scariest words on the planet: “Shut up and grab the fence.”

Yipes.

For the hour:

• Kills: 0
• KO’s: -1
• Badass Points: 4 (you better believe he got a point for that last line)
• Kat’s attention kept: all 60 minutes

That last point is the most important one.  This was the best episode of the season, by far.  Also, judging by the Chinese ambassador’s disposition, I really think Badtz-Maru is a more appropriate character, but Hello Kitty is the most recognizable.

My Day 11-12 PM:  Two months ago, I moved out of Kat and Mary’s apartment to start co-habitating with my beautiful, wonderful girlfriend, what’s-her-face.  But due to my previous arrangement with Kat and Mary, (both beautiful and wonderful as well, but far less tolerant of my genetalia) I still had my room there, so I never entirely moved out and converted my old room into a very expensive crap containment unit.  Anyway, they’ve finally got a replacement coming in, so it was time for me to finish the job, and after last week’s episode I started poking around to see what I still had left.

11:00 PM: I start going through my drawers.  Wonder Woman asks if we can go home.  In a minute, I tell her.  She seems grumpy.  Possibly tired.  Or hungry.  Or I’ve done something wrong.  Or she’s pregnant.  I don’t understand women.  I really hope she’s tired.

11:08:  I’ve spent the last three minutes reading a New Yorker from October.  Wonder Woman puts her head in, and I pretend to rip off the address label.  Since she’s paranoid about identity theft, she understands that I may very well be saving our lives.  Crisis: averted.

11:17:  I pull aside my dresser to find a dust bunny diorama of Watership Down, and it looks like Hazel and Bigwig have eaten some awfully interesting items.  This calls for an autopsy. 

11:29: Here’s what I’ve found so far:

• One Condom (unused.  A little dust never hurt anybody.  I brush it off, put it in my pocket.)
• One Condom Wrapper (empty) (high five!)
• Eight Rubber Bands
• One Plastic Ball (Blue, approx one inch in diameter.  I have no idea where this came from, and let me just head the jokes off at the pass by saying that to my knowledge it has never been up my or anyone else’s ass, or worn around anyone’s neck after being up someone’s ass.  For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, it’s a long story, which would be funny if it were at all true, which it’s not, and I’m not just saying that because if it were true, I’d be the guy with anal beads around his neck.)
• One Copy, The Count of Monte Cristo
• Various coins, 23 cents in value

Basically, those rabbits threw one hell of a party.  Meanwhile, I haven’t heard anything from Wonder Woman in a while. 

11:31: Oh crap, she’s asleep on the couch.

11:32: Baby, wake up.  (Response: None)

11:33:  C’mon, babe. [rub arm gently] (Response: Angry grunt.)

11:34: Don’t you want to go to bed?  It’ll be all comfortable…[Brush her hair back from her eyes.  Isn’t she adorable?] (Response: “Go away.”)

11:35: C’mon, dude.  We gotta go.  [Gentle shake.  Goddamnit, I want to go to bed.] (Response: None)

11:36: Baby? [Repeat gentle arm rub.  More flies with honey, and all.] (Response: “What do you want?”  Fuck.)

11:39: Seriously.  [Poke in ribs.   She better not think I’m carrying her.] (Response: “MMMMM!” reminiscent of Mother Bear protecting cubs.)

11:40:  [I play dead] (Response: Sleeping.)

11:55: ….baby?

For the hour:

• Dumb Ideas: 1 (See Poke, above)