Underpants On The Outside

I’m a big fan of 24. Sure, the story is good, but I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I’m going to compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.

Jack’s Day, Midnight – 1 AM:  We had a change of venue this week: (ex) Roommate Kat recently got herself a nice little studio, and she had Mary, Wonder Woman and myself over for a night of TV and pesto.  When I said her studio was nice, I meant it –now we get to see Jack Bauer in Hi-Def, on a TV just smaller than my bed.  My eyeball estimate was 72” – based on the length of my penis (8”, reported) multiplied by the approximate number of my-penises that could be lined up end-to-end along the TV’s diagonal (in a totally not-gay way).   Kat and her receipt insist the TV is a 40”, but you can’t argue with the numbers.

Whatever the size, we gathered around the monolith filled with renewed enthusiasm after Jack’s last awesome hour.

12:03:  Buchanan announces to everyone in CTU that “Jack Bauer has gone rogue,” which really surprises no one.  I actually think I see some disappointment – some people probably hoped Buchanan was announcing that there were muffins in the lounge.

12:09: Jack calls Hello Kitty, and explains that CTU will be tracking him, but since he knows the capabilities of their surveillance, he can choose a safe place to meet, and suggests an abandoned motel just off the interstate.  Personally, I pray that I never have business with a man whose offhand knowledge includes locations of abandoned motels.

12:28: Jack pulls into the hotel parking lot, finds a room and plants some C4 in the walls.  Mary and I try and figure out where the C4 came from, and the best theory we have is that Jack leaves little caches of it all around Southern California.   Jack calls Buchanan’s personal voicemail and leaves a message to explain his plan, say goodbye, and ask Bill to take care of Audrey.  He tells Buchanan that he’s been a good friend, and I imagine that when Buchanan hears it, he will berate himself for being too friendly with his employees, which he figures led to their overwhelming lack of respect.  He’ll have a lot of time to reflect on his leadership skills, because a short time later, he’s fired.  By his wife.  Which really sums up everything I’ve said about the guy all along.

12:53: The Chinese pull up.  I hope Jack had something to read this whole time.  Silver Spoon also managed to find Jack’s little hideout/love shack/abattoir, and he’s hiding in the bushes. Hello Kitty goes inside to negotiate while two armed guards wait at the door, but Jack’s not giving up anything until he has a chance to see the Buzzkill.  She is led in, bound and gagged, or as I like to call it “gift-wrapped” (sorry, Mom).  He growls, “take the gag out of her mouth,” but on second thought, he does it himself.  Probably for old times’ sake. 

Jack ungags (degags?) the Buzzkill and caresses her softly on the cheek.  I squirm uncomfortably, and not from gas.   He tells Hello Kitty that he’s not giving up anything until Audrey has walked down the road to safety.  Meanwhile, Silver Spoon is getting antsy.  The best part?  Hello Kitty says, and I quote: “Let’s do this.”  Hell, yeah, bro.

Just as Jack hands over the circuit board, Schroeder starts shooting.   One of the guards shoots Jack before he can detonate the bomb, and all hell breaks loose as a CTU chopper and some SWAT guys show up on the scene.  Now, it’s well known that CTU agents can’t establish a perimeter to save their lives, to the point where one wonders if they even understand the concept.  Perhaps they should start on something similar, like a few months of playing Red Rover.  Still, their showing at the Bauer Inn turns incompetence into an art form.  The Chinese have three Humvees; CTU has choppers and SWAT.  Not only do all three Humvees escape with the oh-so-valuable circuit board, they even shoot down the chopper.  It’s actually an impressive display of bunglement all around, because the Chinese shoot the chopper with a missile that doesn’t even explode.  It’s basically a rocket propelled…rock, the only thing more useless being a police helicopter that can actually be brought down by it.  When it comes to ineptitude, CTU refuses to be outdone. 

For the record, Jack is fine: bullet-proof vest.  He even managed to get two kills in the firefight.  But he’s furious at Silver Spoon for screwing up his plan, and Schroeder looks like a whipped dog.  It seems the only person with some balls around here (non-Jack) is…um…Nadia.  Y’know, Cheetara - the previously-useless eye-candy back at HQ.  See, she took over for Buchanan, and like most new managers she feels a need to assert her authority.  So she has Jack arrested, in a move that will no doubt have Buchanan slapping his forehead and wondering why he never thought of that.

And just to complete this hour o’ failure, when some SWAT guys return with Audrey, she’s been brainwashed, and is babbling incoherently. 

For the hour:

• Kills: 2
• Shots Received: 1, possibly 2
• Arrests: -1
• Super Secret Circuit Boards Protected: 0-for-1
• Girlfriends: -1 (but in this case, it’s really more of a birdie than a bogey)

Honestly, it may seem like a rough hour, but I wish I had breakups that went that easily.

My Day, Midnight – 1 AM:  The tough part is that now we’re getting into the sleepy time hours.  We’re not there yet, but it’s coming up.  In my defense, I don’t see Jack staying up all day long on those days when he just has a couple RFP’s he has to complete. 

I got home from Kat’s just before midnight.  Wonder Woman was already asleep, so I figured I’d stay up and give myself something to write about.  But first I went in to kiss her goodnight, tell her I loved her, and make sure she didn’t want to have sex.  Nope.  Not even when I tried the, “If you want to hump, don’t say anything,” trick.  Dang.

12:01 – 12:10:  Me time.  Not everything that goes on between me and my computer needs to go on the blog.

12:12 – 12:45: I shower.  Yes, the whole time, and no, not because I have to shave my legs or wash my vagina or any other Z-is-a-chick allusions.  The reason it takes me five minutes to wash the last three dozen hairs left on my head is because I spend a lot of time staring off into space.   

Since moving in with Wonder Woman, the shower has really become the last six square feet of alone-time I have left.  Those first two weeks were tough, and I’ll admit I was taking five-plus showers a day, trying to remember what it was about bachelorhood that had me up at 3 in the morning, drinking Budweiser, playing Halo and crying.   But now things are going very well, and I’m not just saying that because she’s my landlord.  Still, the shower has become my time to think about the day, or my writing, or comic books, whatever.  And if unashamedly picking my nose helps with that process, as I usually find it does, then that’s my prerogative. 

12:45 - 12:55: Floss, brush my teeth, and apply creams that will remain unidentified to places you’ve already heard too much about.

12:55 – 1 AM: I double check; Wonder Woman still doesn’t want to have sex.  But she does love me.  Great, but given the situation, it’s like getting a big bowl of chili when what you really need is laundry detergent.

For the hour:

• Hair washed: 3g, approx.
• Boogies: 5g, approx.
• Teeth brushed: Most of ‘em.

Look, I realize that the past couple posts have been a lot of “Z and WW, sitting in a tree,” but give me a break.  It’s after 11PM on a Monday, and I live with the woman.  Unless we get a dog, a wacky neighbor, or WW’s sexual appetites take a drastic turn for the better, I don’t see a lot of third-parties showing up between now and the end of the season.