Underpants On The Outside

I’m a big fan of 24. Sure, the story is good, but I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I’m going to compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.

It’s been a long time since I had a chance to write for the underpants – I wish I could say I’ve been up to something really cool, but in fact I’ve just been working very hard to sell pop-up advertisements, and my nights are booked solid: Mondays are for Heroes and 24, Wednesdays for Lost, Thursdays for Magic, and Tuesdays are for making sure Wonder Woman doesn’t forget I live here (aka, meeting my minimum weekly Boyfriend Quota.)

Don’t get me wrong – having so much to do at work has nothing to do with my lack of blogging, because I NEVER blog on the job. I also love having lots of work, and feel more than adequately compensated. [Editor’s note: This has nothing to do with the events of a month ago when the director of my division came into town, we all went out, I had one martini too many (in other words, one martini) and told him he’s gotta go check out the funniest site on the internet, Underpants On The Outside.com.]

In any case, I’m two episodes behind – no time for screwing around. Here we go.

Jack’s Day, 1-2 AM: Jack is under arrest, Audrey is incoherent, and the Chinese have the super-secret ultra-cool circuit board that will somehow allow them to conquer Russia. I haven’t played Risk in a while, but if that ever happened I’m pretty sure I’d forfeit. Jack should be working on learning Mandarin (a pretty difficult language, as it turns out), but instead he wants to interrogate the Buzzkill. He even pleads with Silver Spoon. I can’t believe the amount of begging Jack has done this season, not to mention who he has been begging to. (Wayne? WAYNE????) Unfortunately, Silver Spoon can probably think of a few other reasons Jack might want some alone time with Audrey in a deserted motel, and isn’t going to allow it. Thank you, Agent Cockblock. Come to think of it, he’s probably still pissed that Jack ditched him by the side of the road. I’ve heard that one before – I hope Jack doesn’t think, “Hey, babe, you said you wanted me to let you out of the car,” is gonna make everything all right. Instead, Schroeder puts Jack in a helicopter heading back to CTU.

1:34 AM: While Jack’s been locked up, CTU brought in a doctor who believes that the best way to get Audrey over her post-traumatic shock is to inject her with some drugs that would basically put her into shock. It’s like in cartoons, when someone would get hit on the head and suddenly think they were James Cagney, and the only way fix it was to hit them on the head again. For some reason Silver Spoon thinks it would be more safe for Jack to talk to her, which I’d say is awfully debatable unless the doctor was going to inject the Buzzkill with strychnine. When Silver Spoon tries to tell the doctor about who Jack is, the doctor replies, “Yes, I know who Jack Bauer is.” Well, that’ll save Jack the trouble of introducing himself.

The problem is that Jack is under arrest, and Schroeder doesn’t officially have the authority to release him. He does however have the keys to Jack’s handcuffs. He enters Jack’s cell, unlocks Jack, says “make it look good,” and turns his back. Before I can even make a joke, Jack puts a sleeper hold on him and whispers, “easy…easy…” in Schroder’s ear as he crumples to the floor. My phone rings – it’s Mary: “That was the most romantic thing I’ve ever seen!” She sounds like she’s crying. I’m laughing so hard I almost miss Jack knock out a guard and take his gun.

(Honestly, I’m surprised they still give real guns to CTU’s security guards. It’s like CTU hired a bunch of retired Wal-Mart greeters.)

1:43 AM: Jack breaks the Buzzkill out of Medical, and they hide in a storage room. Jack breaks the door mechanism. In college, I just hung one of my ties over the door handle. Oh, never mind, it seems he actually does want to talk to her. See, he knows she recognizes him – he can see it in her eyes. He tells her that he wants to make the Chinese pay for what they’ve done, and he needs her help. Unfortunately they don’t have a lot of time, Nadia has Silver Spoon and the Wal-Mart Brigade with her and they’re about to break down the door.

1:45 AM: Jack tells Audrey he loves her with all of his heart. I really don’t think I’m coming back next season. I feel absolutely disgusting (though that may be related to another issue I will get to farther down.)

As the agents come in, Jack tries to hold them off by actually engaging Silver Spoon in a “Put your gun down – No, you put your gun down” argument. Suddenly Audrey whispers something. It’s noteworthy that while he was going on about love and his heart, she had no idea who he was. It’s only when he’s pointing a gun and shouting that she recognizes him. I feel the exact same way.

Eventually Jack must surrender. Audrey goes back to medical, Jack goes back to his cell. Basically, nothing happened this episode.

1:57 AM: The door to Jack’s cell opens – I really hope it’s Schroeder coming back for more. Unfortunately it’s Audrey’s dad, who used to be the Secretary of Defense and also survived driving himself off a cliff last season. I must have forgot that – I thought he was still dead, and my notes at this point say something that looks like “wh-pnuk!” I have no idea what I was trying to write.

Secretary Zombie tells Jack that he’s taking his Buzzkill daughter away from Jack. He even orders Jack to stay away from her (yay!), adding, “You’re cursed, Jack. One way or another, everything you touch ends up dead.” Like he’s telling Jack something he doesn’t already know. Hell, it says it on his business card: “Jack Bauer – Everything I Touch Ends Up Dead.”

For the hour:

• KO’s: 2
• Girlfriends Rescued: 0 (net)
• Ended up: Right Back Where He Started

A pretty ho-hum episode, but I really needed the entertainment. Because….

My day, 1-2 AM: Normally I’d have no idea what I did two weeks ago, but in this case, the memory is all too clear. You see, when I was watching 24, I was approximately twelve hours away from receiving my very first colonoscopy. Up until about an hour before 24, I wasn’t too worried about it – it was being done as more of a precautionary measure, and honestly the idea of having a camera up my ass struck me as so funny I planned on asking for a DVD I could use when I blogged about it.

But then there was the matter of the colonoscopy preparation, which brings me to what I was doing between 1 AM and 2 AM. I’m going to try and keep from being needlessly scatological, but…no promises. If you aren’t into potty humor and only read the Underpants for the nerd jokes and misogyny, turn back now.

At five in the afternoon, I was supposed to take a double-dose of an over-the-counter laxative. I actually didn’t get around to it until six, though, because I forgot to leave work early and I wasn’t about to take those pills until I was in sight of my apartment. I have a glass stomach on the best of days, and even though the instructions said it would take 2-3 hours to take effect, taking a laxative before getting on the subway sounded a lot like the beginning of a very, very bad story.

No big deal, I figured. At the two hour mark, I still wasn’t feeling anything, which was a bit surprising. Regardless, that’s when I was supposed to double-down and start drinking a prescription-strength laxative mixed Gatorade. The entire mix would take another two hours to drink, being 750 ml of laxative mixed with 64 ounces of Gatorade (I had picked up the green flavor – my favorite).

At 9 PM, I was still a rock (though a slightly gassy rock), and now I was confused. I could have saved myself a lot of trouble and just eaten a Quarter Pounder and a cup of coffee. I check my calendar to make sure today isn’t Opposite Day - nope. I grab my notebook and sit down to watch 24 with a big glass of my Gatorade of Doom.

9:15 PM: I try to fart, and come THIS close to shitting my pants and ruining our couch. I book to the bathroom just as 24 goes to a commercial with the classic “moop…MOOP” as the clock clicks away the seconds. This strikes me as funny, but I have to keep from laughing or else I’m going to need a mop.

I won’t go too much into details, but I spent the next seven hours in absolute agony. The worst part was that I still had a lot of Gatorade left to drink – I honestly don’t think I’ll ever enjoy the green flavor again, and that makes me sad. If I’d known this would happen, I would have picked red. At one point I tried to figure out a way for me to sleep in the tub, and even when I climbed into bed at 4 AM I threw a towel down first.

I’ll spare you the full recap of the 1 o’clock hour. Instead, I’ll sum it up this way:

For the hour:

• You don’t want to know.

I was so tired and miserable the next morning that I never even asked for the DVD (and fortunately, everything checked out.)