Underpants On The Outside

I’m a big fan of 24. Sure, the story is good, but I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I’m going to compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.

Yesterday I got a phone call from Big Brother.  His first word was “Hey”.  The next four were, “Your 24 blogs suck.”  To that I say… there’s only three more to go, let’s just get through this.

Jack’s Day, 3-4 AM:  As the Chinese lead her illegitimate son away, the Widow starts freaking out, but not the finds-super-strength-and-lifts-car-off-of-baby, Incredible Hulk type of freak out.  More like the high pitched shrieking and blubbering.  I didn’t realize that the Buzzkill also comes in a brunette model.

We’ve seen in the past that Jack doesn’t handle women screaming too well – he tends to freak out and act very impulsively.  Like the way he tries to rush to the Widow/Buzzkill, forgetting that there’s a Chinese dude with a rifle standing right behind him. The guy reminds Jack by rifle-butting him in the kidneys, showing Jack a good use for rifles other than, “stuff in vent fan.” 

(Yet another parenthetical comment – I do so love them: many members of the Chinese Assault team have facial hair.  It’s an interesting contrast to all of my Asian friends, who on average shave once every two weeks.  Therefore the preponderance of beards lets me know that these guys are BAD ASS and not to be trifled with.  Jack doesn’t seem to pick up on this.) 

Frankly, I wonder if having a Chinese man cause him intense physical pain gives Jack a sense of nostalgia, considering that’s what was going on a little over 21 hours ago.  For the past two years.  That probably pisses him off, so Jack counterattacks by – oh fuck, he’s begging again!  Goddamnit - show some fucking dignity! 

Jack begs to be allowed to calm the Widow down (read: get her to quit screaming so we can hear ourselves think.)  The leader of the Chinese Testosterone Brigade already tried pointing a gun at her and telling her to shut up, but that worked about as well for him as it does with my girlfriend - he’s willing to try anything.   As Jack coddles her, he tells the Widow that he’s going to try* and get the Bastard back.  He also hatches a plan, which turns out to be the foolproof scheme of “Jack Bauer starts killing guys.”   But even Jack needs help going up against this many guys, so he turns to…Cheetara?  She’s wearing heels, dude!  Why don’t you ask Curti- oh.  Right.  You shot him in the neck.  Dick.

Shows what I know.  First, Cheetara manages to help Jack.  Second, she does so by knocking down one of the XYY-chromasomed Chinese dudes, even though her two-armed bash suggests she’s scaring NO ONE at the CTU company softball game.  That blow couldn’t have knocked over a cup of coffee.  I think that guy’s beard was glued on.

Jack quickly gets one Human Shield Kill (Degree of Difficulty: 8), one standard shooting, and what looks like it’s going to be a strangling until the last second when Jack suddenly snaps the guy’s neck.  That’s some kind of neck-wrecking combo kill I’m going to give Jack extra points for.

The Chinese take the Bastard out the same way they came in: through the sewers to a nearby warehouse.  Jack pursues, emerging just as the Chinese are about to drive off.  He shoots one of the car’s windows out, causing the driver to crash, then in the ensuing firefight he gets two more standard shootings, and one kill while sliding on his ass for an Amazing Feat of Marksmanship. Hello Kitty grabs the Bastard and heads for the roof.

3:18 AM: Jack catches up to them, even trapping Hello Kitty at gunpoint on a catwalk, only it’s screwed up by the Bastard, who tried to escape and only ended up endangering himself further.  So while Jack saves him, Hello Kitty gets away.  No wonder Jack refuses to acknowledge the nitwit as his son.

A little too little and a little too late, Silver Spoon shows up.  Even more helpful, he assures Jack that they’re setting up a perimeter to catch Hello Kitty.  Jack should snap at him, “Oh, just fucking tell me he escaped, Schroeder!” but doesn’t.

3:45 AM:  After twenty minutes of sitting around, I guess they figure the “perimeter” isn’t actually going to catch Hello Kitty, so Jack calls the widow to tell her he’s bringing back the boy who is in no way a descendent of his, and no, he still refuses to take a blood test. 

3:59 AM:  Okay, now they’re SURE that the perimeter isn’t gonna work, so they get ready to head back.  Jack promises the boy that Granddad (remember, he’s now behind this) will never threaten him again.  Seconds later: “Agent Bauer, there’s an urgent phone call for you!” and Jack takes the call!  How has he not learned this yet???? As SOON as Jack’s back is turned, Silver Spoon grabs the Bastard and whisks him away in a helicopter as three agents hold Jack down. 

See, Granddad now has the “component” (AKA, the bottom block in the Jenga puzzle that is the Russian defense system), and he called the President and offered an exchange for the Bastard.  So now the Americans are kidnapping the boy, which is good news for me, because I can probably just copy my last two blogs and do a Find/Replace for “Chinese/American”.  Y’know…like the 24 writers did.

For the hour:

• Kills: 9 (6 actual, plus three bonus points for a Human Shield, the Slip-N-Slide Kill and the Jack Bauer Throat Assault)
• KO’s: 0 (Who’s got time for knockouts when you’re averaging a kill for every ten minutes?)
• Illegitimate Sons Rescued: 0 (net)
• Tormentors Captured: 0 (net)
• Components Retrieved: 0

So basically, a whole lot of killin’, not a lot of mission accomplishin’.

*Yet another indication that this year’s Jack Bauer is a far cry from the J.B. I knew and feared.  In neither of the past two years would he have said he’d ‘try’.  He would have made a motherfuckin’ promise.  Cause that’s how that Jack ROLLED.      

My Day, 3-4 AM:  Yeah…right…I was TOTALLY doing stuff. 

Let’s be honest: whatever goes on with me at three in the morning should remain a mystery.  If I’m awake, I don’t want to be, and if I’m not awake then I don’t know what I’m doing.  Whatever it is, judging by my sheets, I don’t want to know what it looks like.