Underpants On The Outside

Over a year ago, the top of my head looked like this:

Looking at that should give you a better understanding of why, after reading the headline, “Hair Follicles May Regrow After Head Wounds”  (http://health.yahoo.com/news/175229) I immediately went out and brained myself with a ball-peen hammer.  When I came to, I was about to give myself another whack for good measure when I realized it was stupid for me not to read the entire article.  After all, it might contain information on which head injuries I could give myself to maximize hair restoration. 

It was fascinating.  For instance, like Silly Putty and the Post-it Note, this finding fortuitously stemmed from completely unrelated research:

While studying the healing of wounds in mice, a team at the University of Pennsylvania noticed that the animals developed new hair follicles after their skin was scraped.

So basically, “hurtin’ ‘em for hurtin’ ‘em’s sake.”  It certainly reinforces my personal theory about science: that it’s ultimate purpose is to legitimize the shit we did either as children or while drunk.

“We’re amazed that we’re getting follicles to form,” Cotsarelis said. 

“Usually the mice just roll around in agony and cry.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s hilarious - but when I think of those six months we spent punching them in the stomach, it makes me sad to think that time could also have been spent curing baldness.”  Costarelis added, “If only ‘scraping’ came before ‘punching’ alphabetically…” 

Unfortunately for mammals who don’t care to undergo physical pain for potential beautification, there are a lot of other mammals who are just fine with the idea, and one group has bank accounts while the other doesn’t wear pants.

Costarelis…is forming a company to explore ways to develop the treatment for human use.

It’s a shame, really.  He’s leaving before he had a chance to find out if titty twisters affect rodent mammary gland production.

Besides hair growth, the research could have other benefits:

“The follicle is a small organ, a mini-organ,” Cotsarelis said. “If you can figure out how to regenerate the follicle, you also have a better idea about how to regenerate a finger or a limb.”

Kinda taking the long way around the barn, no?  Has this guy seen lizards???  You can pull their tail off and like, two days later…new tail!  Wouldn’t it be sweet if we could do that???  Of course, extensive experimentation would be required.  Like, what if you cut off their tail rather than pull it off?  Or burn it off?  Or hit it with a belt sander, or…

Unfortunately, “No one knows if new follicle growth occurs in wounded humans”, and you know what that means: more research.  In other words, it still sucks to be a mouse.  I just hope they don’t keep them near the room where it’s always simian happy hour.

Somewhere there’s a mother who just noticed her son tying an M-80 to a kitten.  She wants to stop him; her husband wants to apply for grant money.   Meanwhile I’m combing my hair with a potato peeler and searching for signs of life.