Underpants On The Outside

I’m a big fan of 24. Sure, the story is good, but I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I’m going to compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.

Jack’s Day, 4-5 AM:  Even though there are only two hours left, Jack begins them by once again being put into custody, which might make this the first season where Jack gets arrested more times than he kills people.  Luckily for him, over half of the CTU workforce seems to have just come from a temp agency – they don’t even bother to take away his phone. 

Jack calls Chloe, who explains what is going on in a matter of minutes – meanwhile I’ve written about 40 pages on this season and maybe three of them have been coherent.  I should either stop being a writer or Chloe is Hemingway. 

Chloe also tries to assure Jack that Silver Spoon has a plan; Jack responds that his father will have a better plan.  I mention this because it will be interesting to compare the two plans later.

4:05 AM: Jack calls the National Security Advisor, tells her to do whatever she must to prevent the Bastard from being handed over to Grandpa, then hangs up on her.  Remember how I came down on the Bill Buchanan character because both Jack (his subordinate) and his wife were always bossing him around?  Well, that was Bill’s wife that Jack just bossed around, and I feel like that shoves Bill farther down the totem pole somehow.  I’m not going to try and figure it out, but I’m pretty sure it has something to do with the Squeeze Theorem.  Wait, nevermind – a demonstration would be better, like when Bill’s wife calls him minutes later and tells him to help Jack.  Forget the Squeeze Theorem; I forgot about Newton’s Laws of Shit Motion: unless acted upon by an outside force, it rolls downhill.  It might not be as galling if she hadn’t FIRED HIM about two hours ago. 

4:25 AM: The SUV taking Jack back to CTU is run off the road by another SUV – it’s Buchanan.  He probably thinks he’s asserting himself, but soon he’ll remember that it doesn’t count when your wife told you to (especially when Jack Bauer told her to).  One of CTU agents gets out to investigate; the other figures it’s cool if he just waits in the car…y’know, like they’re on a beer run.  Then he gets so enthralled watching the action he goes slack-jawed (the only time that’s happened to anyone watching this season) giving Jack the opportunity to grab the guy’s gun from the holster and knock him out.   Then Jack sneaks up behind the first agent and knocks him out too.  CTU: The C stands for Competence. 

(Later, Chloe mentions that one of the agents Jack just KO’d was Ryan.  That’s how it is when you’re dealing with J. Bauer: one minute you’re leading his all-star Tac-Team, the next he’s punching you in the face.)

4:37 AM:  Cheetara calls Silver Spoon to let him know that Jack is coming for him.  His look of fear is AWESOME.  His head is whipping around like someone just asked, “Hey, where’d my cobra go?”  Am I the only one who wishes I could inspire fear like that?  Maybe that’s why I’m a Batman fan.

I think it’s a good time to compare the plans of Papa Bauer and Silver Spoon. 

Papa Bauer’s plan:

1. Have the Bastard and a CTU agent wait on a secluded strip of beach
2. Send hired muscle in a boat
3. Have hired muscle disable agent with booby-trapped fake Russian component
4. Have hired muscle return with Bastard

Silver Spoon’s plan:

1. Do everything Papa Bauer tells him
2. Get face-blasted by booby-trapped component

Y’know, Jack was right: his father’s plan was better.  Then again, Silver Spoon might have realized that getting blinded by an explosive was the only way he could avoid the six-foot knuckle sandwich that Jack was about to feed him.

The bad guys may have got away, but as he looks out over the ocean Jack remembers that his father owns several offshore oil rigs, and is probably on one of them.  There’s a moment where they split-screen a shot of both Jack and his dad, staring out across the sea, as if they know the other is there.  I wish Pop had said something like, “Sister…so…you have a twin sister…”

That’s the end of the first hour.  I quote my notes: “I’m really bored”.

Jack’s Day, 5-6 AM (Two hour season finale): Chloe finds a nearby oil platform owned by Jack’s Dad.  Jack, of course, wants to be on the assault team, but unless he’s got an F18 in his shoulder bag that’s not going to happen: the Navy has ordered an air strike on the platform.  The way I see it, the U.S. Government decided that money was no object if it meant ending this gawd-awful season.  I’m going to include five extra bucks in my taxes next year as a thank you.

5:08 AM:  While CTU agents arrived minutes too late to actually stop terrorists or at least prevent them from leaving, they do provide a helicopter for Jack to commandeer - Buchanan even offers to fly it.  It may seem brave, but I bet it’s because it’s so rare for him to have a night away from his wife that he’s willing to do anything to stay out another hour.  Everyone knows a guy like this.

Cheetara tries to remind Jack that he’s not authorized to steal a government helicopter, reminding us why she earns the big bucks.  Seeing as how Jack’s been under arrest like eight times today, you’d think she’d figure out he doesn’t like playing ol’ Red Light/Green Light. 

5:20 AM:  The assault begins.  Over the next several minutes, Jack shoots five men and kills three or four more by shooting barrels according to the video game logic that barrels and crates will explode when shot, regardless of their contents.

5: 28 AM: Research shows that children raised in violent households perpetuate that violence later in life.  Which it is why it was foolish for Grandpa to turn his back on the Bastard, because Lil’ Illegitimate whacks him in the back of the head, takes the man’s gun, and shoots him in the chest/shoulder area.   You’d think Jack would be proud when he comes across this modern Greek tragedy, but instead he tells the boy that “you don’t want to live with the pain of taking another person’s life.”  In other words, Do as I Say, Not as I Just Did Eight or Nine Times.   Either that or killing a person is like a bee sting: when you’re a kid it’s the most horrible thing in the world, but by the time you’re an adult it’s really more of an itch.

Now Jack points his gun at his dad.  In a remarkable show of restraint, he tells him, “you’re gonna get off easy,” and leaves him to die in the air strike.  I bet he was out of bullets.  Jack leaps and catches the helicopter ladder just as the oil platform is blown the eff up. 

As Buchanan is flying them back to shore, Jack suddenly drops into the water.  Maybe he wanted to do a little body surfing?  Or maybe he smelled bad?  When he crawls to shore and waves Buchanan away, I figure he’s trying to disappear mysteriously just like he did two season ago, but I don’t think he’s looked at his watch – it’s only 5:35.   Meanwhile, Jack’s two biggest achievements are killing a terrorist who already nuked Valencia and ending an international crisis he started.  His last chance to put a 1 in the W column is to find his ex-girlfriend and convince her to stop being crazy.   Hey, if that were possible in the first place, there wouldn’t be such a thing as ex-girlfriends!  Am I right, fellas?  Fellas?   

5:48 AM: Jack breaks into the Buzzkill residence, surprises Audrey’s dad, holds him at gunpoint and gives him a rousing speech, the gist of which is, “blah blah blah.” Here are some quotes, taken entirely out of context:  “I felt nothing…you said I was cursed…how dare you…I did what you asked of me…you don’t understand a thing about me….I want my life back…you can’t stop me…”  Jack Bauer is officially a girl who’s been told she can’t go to prom. 

Now Audrey’s Dad raised a girl; he knows how bad these tantrums can be (and that’s before you factor in potential gunplay) so he let’s Jack in to see the Buzzkill.  Then Jack pulls the ultimate switcheroo and breaks up with the woman as she lies there comatose.  Admittedly, it doesn’t make a lot of sense when you remember how hard Jack argued two minutes ago to be able to be with her, so here are my best guesses as to what happened:

• Seeing all the IV’s and monitoring equipment reminded Jack that he didn’t officially have a job - or health insurance.
• She was on his side of the bed for the last fucking time.
• His feelings were hurt that she didn’t seem more excited to see him after two years. 
• He remembered she was over thirty (AKA, Nature’s Sell-By Date)
• Jack realized that seeing her lie there unresponsive would be one of his top two memories of her.  (It certainly was one of mine.)

Whatever the reason, he gives her some halfhearted breakup speech that actually includes a part where he admits that he’s “at a crossroads,” even though everyone knows that means, “never in my life have I been more sure of what I want, and it’s to have sex with people who aren’t you.”
 
5:59 AM:  Jack walks out to the back deck.  The sun is rising;  Jack looks at it…like he’s searching for something he can kill.  Or like he’s getting hay fever.   That ambiguity’s not usually a sign of good writing and/or acting.  Aaaaaaand SCENE!  

For the hour(s):

• Kills: 8 or 9
• KO’s: 2
• Helicopters Commandeered: 1
• To-Do List Check-offs: Destroyed Component, Saved Illegitimate Child, Broke Up With Biggest Mistake of Entire Life

If anything, this season of 24 has made me glad to live in New York.  I think of that last image of Jack as tears welled in his eyes and I can’t shake the feeling that Los Angeles isn’t as safe as it used to be…

My Day, 4-6 AM: Anytime I’m awake at 4 AM, I’ve had a great time.  But by 4 AM that good time is over, and I find myself wishing I had made an earlier and more graceful exit.  I also think that describes this 24-blog experiment pretty well.    We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.