Calling them Dusted Flakes didn’t test well
Published June 5th, 2007 in MiscellaneousI’ve been on a health kick lately. While dying later would be sweet, it’s really more of an added bonus; Wonder Woman has seemed a bit too comfortable lately – I need her to think I have options.
Not only am I taking my blowjobs sans grilled cheese sandwich, I’m trying to eat better across the board. This weekend I was grocery shopping with WW and I saw a box of reduced-sugar Frosted Flakes. With only 33% less sugar, I figured they’d still taste delicious - I would just go without the bowlful of milk-flavored soda pop at the end of my meal. I’m willing to make sacrifices for the greater good.
You know in movies how anytime a criminal hands over a suitcase full of cash, it’s a couple hundreds on top of big stacks of paper? That’s what Low-Sugar Frosted Flakes are: a couple of Frosted Flakes on a big stack of Corn Flakes. It’s not that I don’t like Corn Flakes, but it’s important to manage one’s expectations and whenever I see Tony the Tiger I anticipate some guilty pleasure in my near future. (Same thing for Shannon Tweed.) I don’t like to start my morning with a double-cross.
Now I’m trying to decide if they should be called A Cereal-us Mistake or Frosted Flakes for Roosters.
The first name probably makes sense if you enjoy awful puns. (And if you do, and have breasts, please contact me at zach@underpantsontheoutside.com. Remember, I work out.) As for the second, these Not-So Frosted Flakes remind me of Jews for Jesus. They start out as Frosted Flakes, but their personal preference is to be Corn Flakes. Hey, no problem, you are who you are. But you don’t get to be in the blue box with a tiger on it. I know, sometimes the blue box seems cool – after all, we get to watch Woody Allen movies – but you belong in the white box with the rooster. That’s how it works. Names are important: a tostada full of ground beef, refried beans, rice, cheese and sour cream doesn’t become healthy because you call it a taco salad.
Fuck. Now the next time I open my pantry my breakfast is going to try and hand me pamphlets.
Perhaps you should clarify that “breasts” remark, otherwise you’re going to get some hairy, man-breasted interior decorator constantly emailing you. Maybe make it “vagina” or “shopping dependency.”
UNDERPANTS DISCLAIMER: hairy, man-breasted interior decorators need not apply.
How’s that?
Just looking out for who’s trying to get into your Underpants.
cereal-us?!? That is so bad. so, so bad. How did your editor let that get through?
I always wondered what their deal was. I mean, aren’t all christians Jews for Jesus?
I was waiting for OG to comment on this one. You are right, by the by, though by now I don’t think of it that way, I think of it more that Jews for Jesus are slow Christians. Not to mention annoying.
Somehow they managed to miss the whole rebranding campaign.
I bet calling them Flurry Flakes would have tested better. (as in: this cereal will agitate the hell out of you)
Also, for the record, I just KNEW this product was a bad idea. The hot guy we spotted in the cereal aisle was buying Cinnamon Toast Crunch and 2% milk! May we learn by example.