The Many (Three) Faces of Z
Published July 2nd, 2007 in A day in the lifeI like to change my look up every few months (yes, I’ll have that turd gift-wrapped, please). My behavior suggests that I think I’m only an outfit and a haircut away from looking like Johnny Depp, even though I’m limited in what I can actually improve - I have no sense of fashion, no desire to buy new clothes, and my hair is falling out. Changing my look mostly consists of me growing a beard.
Currently I’m going with ol’ reliable: the goatee. I think it adds an element of badassery that I otherwise lack; Wonder Woman thinks that it looks “stupid” and “ugly” and makes my nose “look like a clitoris.” (That last one might not have been her exact wording.)
I counter that I’ve worn my goatee for most of my adult life, and that every time I’ve slept with someone new the goatee was riding upper-lip shotgun*. Then I remember how rare of an occurrence it was for me to sleep with new people; Wonder Woman still doesn’t know why every discussion of my facial hair ends with me crying.
Well, it’s time I settled this once and for all, so like I do with any serious relationship problem, I’m turning to the Internet for solutions. I want you, the reader, to be involved in my Underpants.
The following are photos of my three standard facial hair styles, along with pros and cons of each. Despite the fact that this is one of the most inane polls of all time, please read and vote in the comments section. Female voters may vote on a scale from one to ten, indicating how many times you’d like to do it with me**. Recent appearances in a Victoria’s Secret catalog and/or a ginormous rack will also be taken into consideration, so please make sure to mention either of those.
#1: The Goatee, aka “The Ring of Desire” or “The One Ring to rule them all and in the darkness- ah fuck, I’m a nerd.”
Pros:
- Clearly, I’m popular.
- Bad-assishness – I have never been mugged while wearing a goatee. Then again, that could be related to my tiger repellant, which seems to be working like a charm.
- Razor Burn: minimal
- Previous Vaginas (actualized; see above…I mean what I wrote, not the Asian girl. She had better things to do.)
- Saves Flavors: Tomato-based sauces, cheese-based sauces, soups, vagina (see above. No, still not the Asian girl.)
- No longer need alarm clock; can wake up to girlfriend telling me I look awful.
Cons:
- Girlfriend’s Sexual Desire: minimal
- Unrealized Vaginas: Theoretical, though I’m starting to suspect it’s a significant figure. Like…two…maybe even THREE!
- Insufficient refrigeration for the proper storage of perishable foodstuffs, particularly dairy products.
- Girlfriend does not have snooze button; does not appreciate being poked in the face while I confirm lack of snooze button.
#2: The Mountain Man
Pros:
- Still, obviously, popular.
- People seem to think I know how to fix cars.
- Razor Burn: none
- Girlfriend’s Sexual Desire: moderate; clouds in the afternoon, slight chance of humping.
- Scratching it makes me appear contemplative, therefore smart.
Cons:
- A contemplative appearance is remarkably similar to that of having several contagious rashes.
- I don’t know how to fix cars. When I think about the problem I scratch my beard, then people think I have eczema.
#3: The Baby’s Bottom
Pros:
- If only posing with your arm around someone were equivalent to sex. I’d be a porn star.
- Girlfriend’s Sexual Desire: Wink Wink, Nudge Nudge.
- Allow me to reiterate: we hump like dragons.
Cons:
- I’m not a machine, woman!
- Razor Burn: constant
Let the voting BEGIN!
*There’s been one exception, who likes to remind me of that whenever she’s telling me to shave.
**Note: “I’m tired,” “I don’t want to ruin our friendship,” and “Oh, dear God, NO!” are no longer acceptable answers.
#3–Baby’s Ass. Sixty-four (hmmm. are we talking times per day or times per week or per month or what?)
I have very sensitive skin and z’s whiskers are sharp! The goatee has to be kept a little short to preserve its “bad ass ness,” which also results in maximum skin burn for ME. at least the beard can be grown out a little so it feels softer. the appeal of the soft, bare baby cheeks is obvious.
c’mon, America. Show your support for #3.
aww babe… i think i’m a bit partial, but you look cute in that picture of the two of us. i’ll side with ww and go with door #3.
Boo #3! I won’t comment on how many times I would fuck you, but I will tell you when your cell mate would….Whenever the hell he wants, becasue #3 makes you look like a little baby faced sweetboy.
#1. All the way. Granted, I don’t have to makeout with you. If this were the case I MIGHT change my vote, but probably not. Something should be said for looks.
#2 makes you look like Dave Attell
#3 … well, OG put it best.
It should be noted that I do not have a ginormous rack and I’m not sleeping with you regardless of the state of your facial hair. Really, if you are a smart man, you will babybutt it up for the WW.
Yeah, but you’re tall and hot. Your vote COUNTS, as far as I’m concerned.
Also, don’t lie; if WW was out of the picture you’d be lining up for some Lilliputian Lovin’.
OK, now this isn’t a vote, but a bit of advice that could sway some votes. You see, my woman likes me with look #2, but she also has super sensitive skin. I did some experimenting and I found that shampoo and conditioner on the beard really does soften it. Using face washes are actually kind of bad because they strip off all of the oils making the facial hair less flexible and therefore harder. No reason to condition daily, but every now and again it helps to eliminate that “look but don’t touch” aspect.
Not sure I can vote at all. It seems any facial hair (#1 and #2) makes you look like Dave Atell and Gabe(Welcome Back Kotter)Kaplan’s love child. In #3 you look like Poker Prick Josh Arieh. So my vote goes to the chick in picture #3(a).
And is that a dude on the left kissing you in picture #1(a)? I know you’re confident in your masculinity, but you don’t really need to provide your loyal readers so much ammunition.
Look, it’s not like the blarney stone can control who comes and kisses it - well, neither can I. I’m clearly hot, and I’m okay with whatever people need to do to cope with it. I’m laid back like that.
WELL-HUNG little baby faced sweetboy Lilliputian. Very important qualifier, for those who may be wondering.
Pokey, you may be a genius. We’ll report back.
That’s my girl.
Any updates?
Yes - I still have free will, apparently, because the goatee lives!
well, z tried the conditioner and it just never made his prickly face super soft and silky…sooooo, z shaved over the weekend (we’re talking bare-faced now), and i’m really happy about that. really really happy, if you know what i mean…
I hope there are some grilled cheese sandwiches to go with that appreciation.