Underpants On The Outside

First of all, as you read this you’ll see why the title is such an awful joke. My bad.

Recently I came across this article. Several members of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders went tandem skydiving with members of the Army Golden Knights, an elite paratrooper unit. And while I know those guys have a very dangerous job and train incredibly hard…well, I’m sure no one had a tough time getting out of bed that morning.

The thing about the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders is that they’re a lot like nurses, stewardesses and Hooters waitresses. They’re not as hot as they used to be, but there’s still a sexual mystique about them, a holdover from the generations that remember WWII. What I mean is that if an American male ever has the chance to have sex with one, he sort of feels compelled to, because his father would be incredibly proud. And jealous. It’s all very Oedipal.

In any case, no matter what these cheerleaders looked like, those guys were working on ‘em (as they should have). Then I started thinking of skydiving-based pickup lines they might have used I would have used in that situation, like, “Have you ever felt the earth move from ten thousand feet above it?” Then I kicked it up a notch in terms of planning and creepiness, and the following is how the orientation speech would have gone that morning if I was running it and it wasn’t for things like subtlety and the women’s rights movement.

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Good morning, ladies. I’m Lieutenant Z, and on behalf of the rest of the Golden Knights I’d like to welcome you to Fort Worth. As you know, today you will be doing a tandem skydive from a height of 13,500 feet. It’s actually only ten thousand feet, but we tell the ladies it’s longer – ha ha, that’s a little paratrooper humor for you.

Now, before we get started, let me ask you all a question: who wants to join the two and a half mile high club? I have to warn you, by the time you officially join, it may be more like the mile, mile and a quarter club. I’m kidding, I’m kidding. But seriously, if you’re interested, please see Corporal Thompson over to my right, he has some waivers you’ll need to sign.

Upon exiting the plane, you will be experiencing sixty seconds of freefall. Many women owe the best sixty seconds of their lives to one of us - some of them have even gone skydiving, too! HI YO! Hopefully someone’s writing these down, because I’m on fire today! But back to freefalling, when you leave that airplane, you’re going to want to arch your back with your arms and legs spread-eagle. We’ll cover this in more detail later, but this will help your partner control your descent. Who knows, maybe he’ll throw in a few exciting rolls or flips…. It will also provide him the chance to double-check your harness, particularly the troublesome buckles in the chest and upper-thigh areas. We care about your safety. That’s our job.

At this time I am legally obligated to read the following statement:

The parachutes we will be using today do not feature two primary rip cords. If you are told any conflicting information by your jump partner, please inform the Officer In Charge, particularly in the case that one of the rip cords is unusually flesh-like in coloration, and you are instructed to ‘be gentle with it.’

Blah blah blah, legal mumbo jumbo…– hey, did you come here for jury duty or to jump out of a plane? There was an isolated incident a long time ago, but let me assure you that all of the guilty parties have been reprimanded. Which actually reminds me, let’s welcome back Sgt. Davis, who has just returned from a six-month unpaid leave of absence – say hi, Charlie!

I bet some of you have questions. One that I hear a lot is, “Hey, Lieutenant Z, can I get pregnant in mid-air?” No, you cannot. It has something to do with air pressure, but don’t ask me to explain it unless you’re also willing to ask your OB-GYN to jump out of a plane in the middle of the night, two miles above enemy territory.

Okay, that’s all the time we have for Q&A. It’s time for us to split up into pairs, but before we do, let me leave you with one final thought. Most of you have probably never seen what a human body looks like after hitting the ground from two and a half miles up. Hopefully you never will, because it’s beyond the power of words to describe. So take my word for it – having sex with your partner is a lot more preferable, if you catch my drift. That even goes for whoever’s stuck with Sgt. “Cease-and-Desist” Davis over there.

Have fun up there ladies, and just so you know, we’re all shipping out tomorrow morning – this could be our last night on Earth.