Underpants On The Outside

In its continued efforts to control everything in its immediate vicinity, China recently announced that it would be using rockets to prevent rain clouds before the 2008 Summer Olympics. Sweet. Nothing goes with an international gathering of goodwill better than rockets.

There are so many things to enjoy about this article. Such as:

China has already guaranteed perfect weather for the August 2008 Games, but until now had not said how it would make sure its forecast comes true.

Clearly China suffers from the same bizarre cleanliness-based insecurities as my mother, who would rush around the house, shouting that company was coming over so for God’s sake someone make sure the lint trap in the dryer was clean. Either that or the U.N. must be like high school. It rains on China’s Olympics, then the next thing you know France and the U.S. are snickering behind its back and India is sitting in China’s seat at the cool kids’ table that is the Security Council. Come to think of it, swap out rain for “menstrual bleeding” and you’ve got the beginning of Carrie. (You KNOW Russia is over there screaming, “They’re all going to laugh at you!!!”) Note to current presidential administration: should there be any unfortunate meteorological occurrences during the Olympics, please do not tease China. Yes, it would be funny to play “Make it Rain” the next time the ambassador comes over, or to pour a bucket of rain water on his head, but it’s just not worth the risk of the entire nation suddenly developing telekinetic powers.

Also, everyone knows the bit where you see a mosquito land on your buddy, so you punch that mosquito as hard as you can. It’s funny because you can punch your friend, and ultimately he has to thank you for it. I can just see it:

China: Hey, Taiwan – you guys still going on about that whole “independence” thing?
Taiwan: Of course we are. We demand that you respect our rights as a sovereign- [BOOM!] What the hell was that???
China: Oh man, that was close! That cloud was just about to land on you! You’re lucky I was here to shoot it.
Taiwan: What? What cloud? I don’t see any cloud…
China: How did you not see it!? It was huge! I didn’t get a great look, but it might have even been a cumulo nimbus. I can’t believe you missed it. Anyway, you were saying?
Taiwan: Ah, yes. I was saying that we see ourselves as a foreign entity, under forced rule by the People’s Repub- [BOOM!]
China: There it goes again!

I also like the idea of some public relations official guaranteeing nice weather while dozens of government scientists turn to each other asking, “Can we do that? I don’t think we can do that. Who told him we can do that?” It’s like a grand-scale, real-life Dilbert strip.

All in all, don’t the Chinese realize they are blatantly tempting the gods here? It doesn’t tend to work out well. Greece has quite a bit of literature on the subject. (Please refer to Odyssey, The) So to all of our Olympians: please don’t forget your umbrellas.

P.S. Z’s bad joke of the post: Beijing sure Beijinxed themselves on this one.