Underpants On The Outside

As you might know, this weekend was the start of the football season, which more importantly marks the third year of me playing in a fantasy football league.  For some reason this makes me happy, even though I’ve essentially opted to spend 17 weeks at elevated levels of anxiety and profanity.  (Not just Sundays; being neurotic is a full-time job.)

Unfortunately, as I spent the week before last alternately catatonic and mesmerized by flames and breasts, and last week in flame/breast withdrawal, I have neglected perhaps the most important aspect of Fantasy Football: The Team Name. 

A fantasy team name is its owner’s last chance at pretending this is a frivolous hobby, and that he’s not praying for scores of crippling (or fatal; that’d be cool too…) knee injuries that would allow him to win a couple hundred bucks off of his friends and co-workers.  In general, people’s personalities tend to come out in their team names (I’ll use some examples from this year’s league).   For instance, people who enjoy pop culture will utilize references (Spider Pig, Blackbeard’s Delight, Them Apples).  Other people team’s reflect their daily lives, whether it’s their favorite brand of smokes (Winston Lites), stuff they find awesome (Ninja Wizards), or how they’ve thought of themselves ever since 1990, after listening to a lot of Bel Biv Devoe (Tre Niceness).     Then some people seem to have just asked a random seven-year old what name they might find intimidating (Lethal Weapons).  Personally, I think kudos go to Roommate Mary, with “Mo’ Touchdowns, Mo’ Problems”.

Me, I just want my team name to be funny.  I also want to be able to shout it in a crowded sports bar, unlike two years ago, when my team name was The Sodomy All-Stars. 

Last year my team name was Unconventional Foreplay.  I think that was better; more in-line with my sexually self-deprecating and nonsensical style of humor.   But I think there’s better out there, and while I’ve got some ideas, you guys are the funniest people I know and I’m curious to see what you come up with. 

Ideally I’d like it to be funny, football-related and vaguely offensive, yet encouraging at the same time.  But I’ll settle for funny.   The winner gets their choice of being sent my secret chili recipe (2nd place in our annual chili cook-off, two years running!), or I will send you an one-of-a-kind, autographed (by me) copy of one of Wonder Woman’s law school books that I’ve been asking her to get rid of.

Here are some of my ideas:

• ‘Pants Interference (Not only a football reference, but a vague reference to The Funniest Site on the Internet)
• Illegal Lotion (football reference; vaguely dirty)
• Trouser Candy (Just dirty)
• Pubic Toupee (You can kind of see how I default to pee-pee jokes whenever I’m struggling)
• Erogenous Zone Celebrations
• LoveBagel Incorporated
• Plus-size Diaphragms

A lot of people might think that it’s bad luck to change names not only mid-season, but with tonight’s games still undecided.  But I want my guys going all out tonight, and I think a funny new name is just the thing to light a fire under their asses.  Pants Interference is my favorite, but I’m not wowed.  I’m hoping you guys can knock this out of the park.  And despite the obvious trends in my ideas, it does not have to be related to a person’s naughty areas.  Feel free to tap the offensive potential of Girl Scouts, for instance.

P.S.  While brainstorming, I’ve decided that “Roughing the Passer” will be my masturbatory euphemism for the remainder of the season.

P.P.S.  I figure the title of this post has GOT to be worth a grilled cheese sandwich…