This is probably where carob came from

Published September 13th, 2007 in Miscellaneous

Having a bit of a paunch, I am repeatedly torn between my desires for candy (constant – hence the belly) and my fear of becoming rotund (crippling - can only be cured by eating.)   I WANT a Snickers bar, but I can’t help but imagine the day when I need a scooter to drive me the last ten feet to my in-house breakfast buffet where I eat Lucky Charms from a chocolate bowl using a spoon made of Slim Jims.  Usually I let a coin flip decide; that way if I’m fat, it’s George Washington’s fault.

Well, the other day I couldn’t find a quarter.  Racked with indecision, I wished for a healthy solution.  Then I started thinking of ideas for nutritious candy bars and a couple made me giggle.  A half hour later this is what I had come up with:

  • Lik-M-Aid: Aspartame Edition
  • JicaMars Bars
  • Splenda Daddys
  • Okra Henry!
  • Mr. Goodprostate (Bran with chickpeas)
  • Stalky Way (Take Milky Way Bar; remove nougat; replace with celery)

Now accepting submissions.  Winner receives a promise of a mediocre gift that will go unfulfilled.  (There’s still time to get those Fantasy Team names in, people!  So far I’m sticking with Erogenous Zone Celebrations, but something involving merkins has potential…)

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7 Responses to “This is probably where carob came from”  

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  1. 1

    Gummy Bears–>No Tummy Bears
    Gobstoppers–>Globstoppers
    Butterfinger–>Dietspreadfinger
    Jelly Bellys–>Jelly No Bellys
    Pixy Stix can stay the same

    By Wonder Woman - Sep 13th, 2007 at 10:32 am
  2. 2

    Well done, madam. Your to-be-unfulfilled promise: that I will do the laundry.

    (Though I might recommend “ICan’tBelieveIt’sNotButterFinger”)

    By z - Sep 13th, 2007 at 1:47 pm
  3. 3

    ICan’tBelieveIt’sNotButterFinger–BOOM!
    Now why didn’t I think of that one?!

    By Wonder Woman - Sep 13th, 2007 at 3:16 pm
  4. 4

    Heshey’s Special Fart - now with Olestra
    Jolly Cancers - chemo on a stick
    Colombian Blow Pops

    By tko - Sep 13th, 2007 at 3:54 pm
  5. 5

    Way to kick the weight-loss aspects up a notch. Your to-be-unfulfilled promise: a phone call on your birthday.

    By z - Sep 13th, 2007 at 4:16 pm
  6. 6

    Milky Day - includes lactation hormones, burn an extra 800 calories per day!
    Otter Pops, now made from real Otter!
    Atomic Fireballs - with Polonium 210
    3 Mousy Ears Bar
    Candy Cigarettes - with real nicotine
    5th Avenue - pure asphalt bliss

    By tko - Sep 13th, 2007 at 4:24 pm
  7. 7

    DexaTwix - Finally! Chocolate, caramel and phenylpropanolamine together

    By Roscoe P. Coltrane - Sep 18th, 2007 at 1:24 pm

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