Underpants On The Outside

From September 5-12, New York City housed unusually high numbers of emaciated Amazons, sexually ambivalent people and Europeans who go by one name. That’s right – it’s Fashion Week! While we may not have the best sense of style over here at the Underpants (all denim, all the time) looking at all the stupid outfits reminded us that we do know a bit about pointing and laughing. Below, we highlight a few styles that really put the “ass” in fashion. (That was our best attempt at one of those catty remarks the Queer Eye guys always make. It only highlights our shortcomings in both spelling and pronunciation.)

Well, well, well, if it isn’t Lord Weenie von Sissyington. I am really hoping this style comes back, if only because I’d look like Suge Knight standing next to this guy. Someone please inform Mr. Peanut that he’s a fashion icon.

In The New York Times, the caption for this photo is “A two-piece knit dress in a tribal motif.” She’s a tall, pale-skinned Caucasian waif wearing a dress with what look like bay windows on it - just what tribe they’re thinking of, the Kennedy’s? Oh wait - her belt looks like bones. Move over, Sacajawea.

If this woman seems alarmingly thin, rest assured that it’s merely an optical illusion, and she’s not actually a woman. They say black is slimming, but this model looks like what would have happened if Pinocchio had been made from a chopstick. Frankly, I’m worried for her safety in case this photo causes Harrison Ford to experience Blade Runner flashbacks.

This girl just came from the most awesome fourteenth-birthday party ever.

A while back, I remember reading about the backlash against the fashion industry for forcing models to be so dangerously thin. When I look at this, I imagine one designer taking a stand: not only would he continue to hire dangerously skinny models, he’d sock ‘em in the face with a crescent wrench. Your move, liberal media.

A parachute: the perfect outfit for people who aren’t into walking fast.

And here I thought that the only place I’d find an elvish hermaphrodite prostitute was in World of Warcraft.

All I know is that there are lessons we need to learn from this photo. Like, as a society. We are clearly doing something wrong.

Once, I made a Fruit Loop-salami omelet for breakfast, and ate it off of Ritz crackers. My theory was that good things could be stacked on each other to form ultra-good things. Y’know, like a chocolate-covered Nintendo.

It was not a success. But it does give me the insight to understand what the designer was going for here. Consider:

1. I like women in swimsuits. Check.
2. I like pornography. Hence the big hair.
3. I like Mexican culture, particularly the beer and prodigious use of cheese. As neither of these objects make a good shawl, let’s throw a poncho on our sunbather with the loose morals.
4. I like peacocks. (It’s funny to hear people say ‘cocks’.) Suddenly a purse rendered useless by ten pounds of bandannas makes sense.
5. And now for the rose…um…well, Georgia O’Keefe would say it looks like a vagina. Coincidentally, I am a fan of these as well.

Essentially, this outfit is the visual representation of the sentence, “I’d like to go to some beach in Mexico, put my cock in someone’s vagina, and film it.” Let the man who WOULDN’T enjoy that throw the first stone.

I’m sure those Vogue editors are going to be calling any minute now…