Underpants On The Outside

Yes, it’s time once again for another demonstration of how I am the bestest boyfriend ever*.

Oh, also, if you’re Wonder Woman’s parents, please stop reading right now. Your daughter is a woman of boundless virtue. I swear. She never lets me do any of the things that I want to do to her.

On a typical Saturday morning, I wake up before Wonder Woman. I look to my left, see her there, stretched languorously on our bed, her head turned away so that I’m staring at the perfect curve of her neck. I lean over, and kiss her once just above the shoulder; delicately. Then, with the romance taken care of, I see if she wants to hump by poking her with my finger and/or erection and whispering, “Baby? …You up?…Baby? …Wanna hump?” Then one thing leads to another. (By “one thing”, I mean being told to go away, and by “another”, I mean, I get up and have a bowl of cereal.)

But apparently I didn’t check my calendar last Saturday, because it was “Role Reversal Day.” I woke up to find myself being taken advantage of; I felt cheap and dirty. Okay, that’s not true, but I DID feel really confused. My mind isn’t as quick on the uptake as it used to be, and it can take me a while to get my bearings in the morning. I can only imagine what it was like for my penis, who has essentially spent the last fifteen years in hard labor. That’s why I don’t blame it for what happened. Now, I don’t mean to say that NOTHING happened - you better believe SOMETHING happened. But “something” is about the best that I can describe it. She might as well have woken me up and challenged me to a game of mah-jong.

Later, we were sitting around and she asked me if anything had been wrong. I tried to tell her that everything was fine, I just hadn’t been able to get all the way up to speed. She was confused. After all, I had been…at this point she made sort of a shrugging gesture, which I took to mean that I had been majestically erect; as irresistible as a Thanksgiving Turkey (and just about as large), and as visually stunning as Fantasia. (I’m lucky that we have such a close connection where such things don’t even need to be said.) So I looked her in the eye, and said,

“Christ, it happens all the time. Don’t take it so personally.”

Let’s see you beat that, Hallmark.

*For the complete list of reasons, please see any of the lengthy letters I wrote to all those girls in high school. And for the record, I realize that this more demonstrates how Wonder Woman is the bestest girlfriend ever. But, y’know…whatever.